Struggling and question

[Archives1]

So.. yesterday was a bad day for me, I had a session with my psychiatrist-therapist. I told him that I felt stucked in therapy because everytime I open this forum I feel my heart racing and I always end up crying and feeling like sh* for the rest of the day. And I told him that I really don't know what else to do to try to face this fear I feel just by hearing the topic? I keep coming because I know that by avoiding something, fear just grows, so here I am. And his response was: "Well, sometimes things do not work, but we have try" And I was very frustrated.

In addition to this, my aunt has covid and yesterday her oxygen saturation started to lower down.. she has lots of diseases and I fear she might die. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend about how I felt, but the moment I told him I was not feeling ok he just told me to "relax and not to worry".

I felt very lonely, and committed the mistake of drinking wine at night... and well everyone here knows what happens with alcohol. I had an accident and obviously felt worse. (I am the queen of autosabotage)


Today I woke up feeling a little better. I may be moving a little too fast in this process of accepting my incontinence and my history with it.. but I do want to give it a try. And of course I have to pay more attention to these autodestructive behaviours. I wish there was a book that could tell you how to get over stuff and just be happy!

I also wanted to ask you... do you talk about your incontinence with the people around you? Obviously with a partner it eventually comes to the table.. how was it with them? friends? parents?

I hope you all stay healthy in these hard times!

 

[Archives1]

Hi @checmec, I'm very sorry to hear about your aunt and I know how scared you are for her. If it were me I would not be able to just "relax and not worry about it." It isn't that simple. She's a part of your life and you want the best for her and don't want anything bad to happen. I just hope that she is getting the best treatment possible and that somehow she will soon get better. Please know we are thinking about you and you know if you feel bad then please come here to talk about it. We'll help you through it.
I can say this, I really admire you for grappling with your incontinence and your feelings about it. Once you et a good hold on this thing you will win! As I've said before the fact you want to give it a try tells me that ultimately you will prevail! You seem to be very tenacious and determined. And that is very good! You've got the right attitude. But something that is worth winning is worth fighting for and I think you've got the wherewithal to continue to do that! And just say to yourself over and over, "I'm going to win this thing!"
And when you come to this forum, please think of it as visiting with friends, which we are! We care for you and about you. A lot of people in your same situation have come to the forum and it took a while for some of them, but it seems virtually everybody has come away feeling much better about themselves and realized that incontinence can be taken care of and that life will be good. I haven't been here a real long time but I've seen a lot of people being helped that way. And I know you will be too! Please keep trying. We are all rooting for you and we want to see you win!
And I hope you stay well through these times. I hope we'll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[Archives1]

Checkmec, Believe it or not, I was ready to crawl out onto the freeway that ran by my apartment many years ago, (I couldn't drive, double vision from MS) I was so miserable from my inability to function like I used to that I ready did just want to die. I give life saving credit to a wonderful woman who lived in my apartment building who knew how miserable I was, and she introduced me to a group of people who I didn't know at the time, were wrestling with things that were not necessarily MS but I think at the time one of them was dealing with what you are. Somehow, some way, the weekly meetings with all these people, helped me to realize that as bad as I felt and as hopeless as life seemed for me at the time, I began to realize that others were in the same boat, and in most cases, even more severe than my case. If I were you, knowing what I know now, I would get into a group setting where the same thing could happen for you. If you have a Dale Carnegie franchise in your area, (they are world wide) talk to them. Its a bit expensive for the sessions, but I would have paid twice as much as I did at the time, if I knew how life changing that experience with those people was going to be for me. I beat the MS, drive where ever I want to, and look at incontinence right now as just a challenge, Sometimes things hit you that you just can't beat, but you don't have to let them BEAT you. Turn your skills and experience with this into a powerful tool to help someone in more dire straights. It won't happen overnight, so live each day, each day, Let the tomorrow take care of itself. You will become someone's hero. A few extra paper products which are just survival tools right now, will fade in comparison. I look forward to hearing about how successfully you will handle this, and remember that small things grow bigger and bigger if you nurture them and stay positive. I'm somewhat incontinent, but I am alive! If this advice helps you, I couldn't have shared it if I was dead! I don't discuss it with anybody but my urologist, and my primary care doctor. I look forward to when I can tell them, or anybody else that I got my control back, (If I do) but I WILL NOT let this take anything else away from me!

 

[Archives1]

Hey Checmec, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re suffering through a lot right now. Then to hear that your boyfriend whom I will guess you are quite close to simply dismisses you and your feelings with “Relax and don’t worry” feels pretty much like saying “Sorry but your feelings don’t matter, nor do the things that upset you” WHAT? Kind of a slap in the face with your Aunt so sick and considering we’re in the midst of a Global Pandemic. Sounds like maybe a touch of MANSPEAK simply to clarify how trivial you and your “FEELINGS” are...
I have been forced to deal with a LOT over the years, but this seems to be quite a common theme in this forum and not at all unusual! The fact that many of us have sought out professional help to deal with all of the changes it brings with it also speaks volumes as to how disruptive this condition can be.
I have always been one of the most self motivated, self directed people I knew and have been asked by close friends & associates “Where do you get it” “How do you continuously stay on track and motivated”? I’ve actually been recruited as a motivational speaker a few times over the last few years.
I apologize for all the above blathering (I blame it on being on being in “COMPLETE” lockdown since Labor Day) 3 different supposed minor surgeries that all went very sideways for a bit)! Anyhow this does all have a point, and this is only MY POINT! and I’ll say it right now I mean no offense, or to cause anyone any pain.
After 2 years of complete & total incontinence, and little protection options other than cloth diapers and plastic pants (very hard to conceal) I finally achieved control of my bowels! It was a huge event in my life. On my next visit to my therapist she asked me “So what are you going to do 1st now that you’ve earned your freedom back”? I immediately thought WHAT! I’m still wearing diapers, still limping around, newly divorced and had sold all of my businesses. I asked What are you talking about? Then she BLASTED ME! “You’ve been coming in here whining and bitching about if I could fix this body part, or that one but it finally came down to, if only control my bowels, I could deal with all the rest, so what now?
All of a sudden I was being forced out of my self-exile, by the person I trusted the most! She walked over and handed a dart and pointed to a map of the USA on the wall, which I suddenly realized had a number of holes in it. She told me to throw the dart at the map, then go wherever it lands and call her when I get back. The only rules were no freeways, just back roads and bring the receipts! She wanted to hear all about my trip on our next visit, if I felt I still wanted to see her. Long story short dart landed around the Great Tetons. Admittedly I was scared to death, but before I could think too much about it I went home packed up my 4x4 truck I custom built before my wreck, grabbed my old atlas loaded up enough supplies for a year I think, (the trip was going to be 4 days I thought)and off I went.
All I can say is that every mile I traveled it felt like pounds falling off my shoulders! Once I got to the Tetons I was off to Yellowstone, then Lake Louise & Banff, Montana, Wyoming, Utah! I was alive again! Again sorry for rambling but I think a lot of Doctors now look at us as revenue on a spreadsheet. My therapist saw the value in forcing me to take my life back! I could still be seeing her and find a way to justify in my mind and not feel at all bad based on what has happened to my body. I WAS a Victim, now I’m SURVIVOR!!!

 

[Archives1]

Again I apologize, the cat jumped on my iPad and posted for me. Maybe that’s telling me shut up, the cat’s got more sense than me!
My point was simply that there is times when all of us need a little help standing up, and to take that hand is to be admired. There also comes a time for us to stand on our own two feet and get about the business of having a GREAT LIFE! My motto has always been “Fail until you succeed, but never stop trying”
Checmec, I hope you have a long and wonderful life ahead of you. The decisions you make along the way will make your life what it is, but try to never make important decisions based in fear. Fear can snuff out the most beautiful light within all of us. Having lived in the shadows for a while, I will choose the light every time!
I wish all of you the Best, and a wonderful Holiday Season!

 

[Archives1]

I would not be able to relax and not worry, make sure your aunt gets good medical attention.I will say a prayer tonight for her and to help you get through this most difficult time and to give you strength. You have the support of all of us in this forum.

 

[Archives1]

Love your Christmas tree Livelifejr.
Ours is a work in progress today.

 

[Archives1]

Hi @checmec, I think we all need to say a prayer for you and your aunt tonight to help you through this very rough time. You're among friends here.
And @!LiveLifeJr and @jrpoorman, pretty cool trees you've got there!

 

[Archives1]

I know how you feel when I talk about bladder problems to my wife and even my mother they don't really say much.But the more I thought about things I started to understand why they don't really talk about it, what really can they say. It's up to me to accept my problem and deal with it in my way.I once saught acceptance from others when it was me who needed to accept it.

I will tell you an opinion of mine. I graduated in Psychology at Ohio State one of the most highest rated in Psychology in the country. What I learned is that no psychologist can completely solve a problem for you. They can guide,suggest,set you on a path but in the end the results depends upon you.

The embrassment around incontinence is more so in our minds than others.We believe they feel that way because we were taught to think that way at an early age. I think most people in public don't seek to embarrass or call someone out in public and if they did then they would look the fool. Also don't stop your life, drink a glass of wine, wear protection and have fun.

Praying for you aunt!

 

[Archives1]

Thanks jrpoorman and billiveshere, checmec has all of our support and know that her aunt is in good hands and she will be strong in this difficult time.

 

[Archives1]

Praying for all of us here and a special Prayer for Checmec.

 

[Archives1]

Hi @Bfuhrman, What you said about psychologists is very much right on! They don't do it all for you but as you say they guide, suggest, and help you map out a path that works best for you. And it is up to you, the client, to follow through and bring it on home!
And your advice also rings very true: in not stopping your life, drinking a glass of wine, wearing protection and just having fun! I couldn't agree with you more!!! Advice like that makes you a great psychologist!
I wish we could all join hands in a circle and send prayers to Checmec's aunt and Checmec directly to them!

 

[Archives1]

@checmec, I'm sorry you're struggling. Acceptance is an endpoint, but it's a while process that gets you there, and sometimes there are no shortcuts. It sounds as though you're doing well with it, even if you haven't reached the endpoint of your process.

As far as discussing incontinence with others, the only ones I've discussed my issues with are my wife, my urologist, and my best friend. I try hard not to be ashamed of my incontinence issues, since they're not personal failings or character flaws, but I really struggle with that. I end up with deep feelings of shame, even when discussing it with the few people who do know about it, so I haven't wanted to bring it up with others.

I remember years ago when I was having slight, on and off problems with leakage. We hired someone at my company who was very upfront and open about his incontinence issues. I was chatting with him, just getting to know the new guy at a fairly small company, and he mentioned very matter-of-factly that his incontinence had started with an injury when he was in the military. I was startled by the very frank mention, and I asked him how he managed it. He shrugged and said, "I wear diapers." I don't know if I'll ever reach that stage of acceptance, to tell someone who's almost a perfect stranger that I have to wear diapers, but it's helped to serve as a reminder to me that some people don't find it to be shameful and humiliating, and with work I can get to the point that I am not overcome with those feelings.

I personally find it liberating to come here and be able to talk openly with people who won't judge me for my incontinence as though it's a failure on my part, but are genuinely happy to encourage me, and happy when things go well. I can understand why it's difficult for you, though, because it does push a certain level of acceptance that may be difficult for you.

 

[Archives1]

Thanks Billliveshere, you and others in a short time have really helped me to build confidence about bladder problems and were influential in my thoughts. When I first came on here I was worried about what others might be thinking, I am no longer.

To ChieMec,you should know that all your thoughts are real and deserve the attention of professionals and family.I would say try and talk with your aunt on the phone,she may be able to eleviate the feelings you are having.

 

[Archives1]

Great points @ltapilot, when I read about the man you met at work and is so matter of fact about wearing diapers, I have to wonder if when he started his experience with incontinence if he was embarrassed at first to acknowledge it, let alone talk about it to people who are virtually strangers. I think that's entirely possible but he was able to work through it and came to the point where he accepted it and just went on with his life.
And like you I found that joining this forum was very liberating (a perfect word to describe it) to talk about it and realize that I won't be judged by something that is physical. For someone who is at the self-conscious stage (as I admit I was) this forum is the best place in town to overcome that!

 

[Archives1]

I just took the time to read all of your answers! Thank you a lot for your words!

Update: My aunt is getting better, and hopefully she will continue to improve.

Plus I really thought a lot about what you all wrote, (my head is spinning a little bit). But in general I thank you for being so open about how you felt or how you feel right now. I know incontinence is not life-threatening by itself but it sure is depression-threatening. I am sorry for those of us who feel shame or frustration from time to time.

I will continue to write here... don't know exactly why or what for. I just trust you when you tell me it will get better and that is something I would love to hear more often.

Thank you again

 

[Archives1]

Hi @checmec, that is good encouraging news about your aunt and we hope that she will continue on her way to recovery! Our very best wishes for her and for you! I think it's great that you want to continue here and that's because we offer help and friendship so please help yourself to it anytime you want! This is the best place in town to ask questions or just to vent about things that are bothering you or even just to come by and update us on how things are going! You know you are always more than welcome! And it sounds like you are open to the fact that things will get better for you and we will be here to help you along. I hope you have a nice weekend and please stay safe!

 

[Archives1]

I am glad your Aunt is getting better and I hope it continues.

And for yourself take care of yourself and don’t be your own worse enemy. Share kindness with yourself and accept yourself with all of your imperfections. So what you may have to wear a diaper. It is just a form of underwear. Lol. It maybe absorbent but who cares. It’s something you should embrace and be thankful for.

Come hear often and just talk as no one wants to go through a major depressive disorder. Been there done that and no it’s not fun. But like others have said above you have to do your own work and embrace your life and yourself with love and kindness and truly accept your inconsistencies you are perfect the way you are.

Acceptance is an amazing quality once you know how to use it and truly accept one’s self.

With love....

Jason

 

[Archives1]

Hi @checmec, I hope things are better for you and that your aunt is continuing to recover. Please stop by when you can and let us know how it's going. I think you are an awesome person and I know that ultimately you'll come out right on top! Or as we say up here in the States, "you go girl!" Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and everyone here wishes you the best!