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I left this site out of embarrassment and fear of someone figuring out that I'm on here. But my bladder woke me up at 2:30 and thanks to my anxiety as well, I can't go back to sleep. I started therapy again in February and I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, high level of social anxiety which I already knew, and also possibly OCD but we haven't talked much about that, that's just from my own research and self-assessment. I told my therapist about my annoying bladder concerns because I don't even have a bladder condition. However, I did have 15 inches of my intestines removed as an infant due to Necrotizing Enterocolitis so I think chronic constipation might be affecting my bladder. Plus I get really hyperfocused at work and by the time I get up, I'm panicking. I had an accident last week at work but it was also my time of the month unfortunately. So no one knew because I took care of things...but I knew and it made me sad. Good part is we had candy in the office so I ate candy and watched Hulu on my phone and felt fine. But I'm paranoid now that it will happen again when I'm not wearing a pad already. So I don't know. My therapist told me multiple times that it's not a big deal if I have to pee during our sessions but I only can meet with him when I'm at work (I work in a different state than where I live and he's licensed for that state) so it adds to the fear. I just feel paranoid because all my doctors say I need to drink more water. I also feel bad because I'm technically not incontinent, never been diagnosed with OAB or anything. I just forget to go sometimes or I don't get enough time to get there before I leak a little. But that's been an issue since I was 5 so I figured this is just my body. I don't know. I did struggle with bedwetting 12th grade and in college. But that was because I didn't want to drink a lot of water at school because we could only go during the first 15 minutes of class, last 15 minutes, or in between. Add the fact that we only had 2 stalls in one of the bathrooms and also had to wait for the hall pass to go and I had a lot of uncomfortable days. So, that fear carried over into college and the self consciousness got worse when I realized I didn't have to ask to go in college but no one else had to go in the middle of class like I did. Which has carried over into my job where I feel scared to get up and we don't have cubicles just a huge room with a bunch of desks so I feel so exposed. I don't know. I just get scared that the night issue will come back fully because I don't drink a lot of water at work either, I'll get a latte at Starbucks and drink maybe one water bottle or 2. But I'm 100 pounds so I should drink at least 50 ounces I think. Side note for people wondering why I'm that small, I'm 4'11.
Anyway, I just feel bad because my therapist and I have already talked about this and I feel bad because he made a note about it after one session and I don't want anyone to know. But the system we use is confidential and the messages are confidential allegedly yet I'm still paranoid. I didn't even want to come back here, i had deleted my account. I apologized in advance to my therapist because it's really hard to talk when I have to pee and by the time I do talk, I end up stuttering or saying it in a really childish way like I'm 4 years old and I hate that it comes out that way when I panic. Like when I went to the concert last year with my friend and I was waiting to use the porta potty. I was hyperventilating and pulling my hair out and she told me "Breathe" because I was about to cry. I whispered "I gotta go potty," didn't even realize I said it until we talked about it later on that night. Then she also said I should come up with a code word for when I can't get my words out. But when we went on vacation, she forgot all about that and would ask me outright if I needed to go or why was I fidgeting and it hurt my feelings that they asked me so much and that she wanted me to just say it when that's hard to do in a public place. She was really nice though when I had a nightmare and when I had an accident in my sleep at the pool. I told my therapist about all this too and he said stop apologizing but I'm so scared of him seeing me all regressed and crying or close to crying. I don't know it sounds stupid out loud. I don't even know why I say it that way. I'm way too old to use that language and I usually don't talk like a kid except for when I'm really sad. Just realized I posted about that exchange with my ex-best friend before. Sorry guys. I was trying to give an example but I don't want to overpost here when there are people here with bigger concerns than a couple accidents. Which I also has come in therapy because I almost peed on myself in therapy once because I told my therapist I had to "go," and he said "Go where" and I said "I had Starbucks." So he said "Oh you're going to Starbucks," and "I already had Starbucks, I gotta go." So then I felt bad and I was scared to get up and I told him "I can't move" and he said "What do you mean you can't move, did you have an accident?" I got up but felt scared and sat back down. Then I started panicking because this was all before we even talked about my stupid bladder during the day(only old night time issues in high school)so the fact that he even thought that was a possibility made me want to cry. Then I did end up going and he asked "what just happened, that was an anxiety attack because
because you had to go?" And he told me "don't stress, it's natural, it's okay." He even gave me more information that I won't disclose. That was in April and we've talked about it since because I told him all my fears about more people in the office and the beginning of my post and I'm still scared and I'm still nervous that he's going to think I'm weird and childish and a cry baby although I have never cried in front of him yet. I held them in until I get home at night. He also said I have to focusing on what people think including him but that's hard and I don't want him think I'm weird for not being able to wait and not being able to vocalize when I have to go sometimes and for saying it like I'm little. Even though talking to him makes me feel little anyway. That's why I feel bad for even coming back on here because people have it a million times worse and I probably sound like I'm complaining which is why I was going to quit therapy anyway. I also have trichotillomania and one of my big triggers for my hair pulling is feeling like I'm gonna potty on myself. I'm really sleepy too and I have to get up in an hour. I never get enough sleep at night. I hate it so much. Knowing other people have things worse makes me feel even worse that I'm talking about it. I don't know.
Anyway, I just feel bad because my therapist and I have already talked about this and I feel bad because he made a note about it after one session and I don't want anyone to know. But the system we use is confidential and the messages are confidential allegedly yet I'm still paranoid. I didn't even want to come back here, i had deleted my account. I apologized in advance to my therapist because it's really hard to talk when I have to pee and by the time I do talk, I end up stuttering or saying it in a really childish way like I'm 4 years old and I hate that it comes out that way when I panic. Like when I went to the concert last year with my friend and I was waiting to use the porta potty. I was hyperventilating and pulling my hair out and she told me "Breathe" because I was about to cry. I whispered "I gotta go potty," didn't even realize I said it until we talked about it later on that night. Then she also said I should come up with a code word for when I can't get my words out. But when we went on vacation, she forgot all about that and would ask me outright if I needed to go or why was I fidgeting and it hurt my feelings that they asked me so much and that she wanted me to just say it when that's hard to do in a public place. She was really nice though when I had a nightmare and when I had an accident in my sleep at the pool. I told my therapist about all this too and he said stop apologizing but I'm so scared of him seeing me all regressed and crying or close to crying. I don't know it sounds stupid out loud. I don't even know why I say it that way. I'm way too old to use that language and I usually don't talk like a kid except for when I'm really sad. Just realized I posted about that exchange with my ex-best friend before. Sorry guys. I was trying to give an example but I don't want to overpost here when there are people here with bigger concerns than a couple accidents. Which I also has come in therapy because I almost peed on myself in therapy once because I told my therapist I had to "go," and he said "Go where" and I said "I had Starbucks." So he said "Oh you're going to Starbucks," and "I already had Starbucks, I gotta go." So then I felt bad and I was scared to get up and I told him "I can't move" and he said "What do you mean you can't move, did you have an accident?" I got up but felt scared and sat back down. Then I started panicking because this was all before we even talked about my stupid bladder during the day(only old night time issues in high school)so the fact that he even thought that was a possibility made me want to cry. Then I did end up going and he asked "what just happened, that was an anxiety attack because
because you had to go?" And he told me "don't stress, it's natural, it's okay." He even gave me more information that I won't disclose. That was in April and we've talked about it since because I told him all my fears about more people in the office and the beginning of my post and I'm still scared and I'm still nervous that he's going to think I'm weird and childish and a cry baby although I have never cried in front of him yet. I held them in until I get home at night. He also said I have to focusing on what people think including him but that's hard and I don't want him think I'm weird for not being able to wait and not being able to vocalize when I have to go sometimes and for saying it like I'm little. Even though talking to him makes me feel little anyway. That's why I feel bad for even coming back on here because people have it a million times worse and I probably sound like I'm complaining which is why I was going to quit therapy anyway. I also have trichotillomania and one of my big triggers for my hair pulling is feeling like I'm gonna potty on myself. I'm really sleepy too and I have to get up in an hour. I never get enough sleep at night. I hate it so much. Knowing other people have things worse makes me feel even worse that I'm talking about it. I don't know.
