Concerned wife

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I am a newlywed. Ive been with my husband since 2019 and we recently got married. My husband is 33 and has apparently been experiencing nocturnal nuresis his entire life. He was just really good at hiding or workinh with it. We didn't live together prior to marriage, so although there were a couple of accidents when we were dating, they were few and far in between. Now that we are married and live together of course i notice the frequency. Its not every night or even every week that it happens. He wet the bed once when we were visiting has parents for the holidays and his mom was not surprised. She said he and his sister had a small kidney. I assume she meant bladder. Even when he is awake he pees frequently especially if he is drinking alcohol. I have asked him about reducing alcohol intake,but he says it happens even if he doesnt drink alcohol, which is true. He's even wet the couch a few times while taking a nap, so i was terrified when he fell asleep on my parents couch this evening. As i type this tight now at almost 5am, im up because he wet the bed again at i assume 3am. I felt it on me and woke him up. He put towels over it like usual and went back to sleep. This time i couldnt go back to sleep. Im tired of this happening and i want him to get help. He is young, in good shape and hes a soldier (no it's not ptsd related). I know there has to be an explanation and a solution for this. Im going to have a serious heart to heart with him today and plead with him to go get checked out. Any ideas, testimonials or just general encouragement would be appreciated. I know we are not alone in this. I just want him to get better. I don't want to make him feel bad. I just want him to get better

 

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Do you think it bothers him that he wets the bed? I was a chronic bedwetter growing up but honestly I just didn't care. My folks tried everything to get me dry at night to no avail and in the end gave up. I eventually became reliably dry at night in my 20's but still had bouts of bedwetting on and off all through my adult life. Curing bedwetting can be a challenge and some of us will never be dry at night.

 

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You should definately talk to him about it and make clear that you support him. Im 36 and still single largely because im embarrassed about my issues. Urologists can help but the drugs take time to work and in my experience have side effects. The hardest part, tge part i still after like 4 years struggle with, is wearing pads or diapers when im having a flair up.

Its embarrassing and its always running thru your head. Be there and be supportive. That's the best thing you can possibly do to help in my view.

 

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If I may, permit me to address the elephant in the room. The is issue is not his incontinence, but his lack of honesty.

 

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Not sure i agree that its dishonesty. At least intentionally. Incontinence is stresfull. I lied to myself untill i couldn't. I told myself “im ok ill work it out” “i just need to think harder and control myself” “ill drink less water” etc. But when things hit the point where you just cant deny it any more you have to face it.

 

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I agree with Newbie. This is less about dishonesty and more about the embarrassment and shame. I also agree with cpalmer in that this is not so much an incontinence issue but rather one whereby a little support and understanding will go a long way to ease any tension or anxiety the two of you might be experiencing.

My wife was wonderful when this started with me and continues to be supportive and loving. We try to laugh it off as much as possible.

I tried the medicines and they all made me feel awful with no apparent effect on the issue. So diapers it is, every night, all night.

This really is such a small thing but I know from experience the male ego takes a bit to overcome.

 

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You are brave and smart to reach out for help. This is such a hard issue - especially in a young marriage. Please, for the sake of your marriage and his self-esteem, start with a proper medical evaluation. This could be caused by many different things. It can't be properly treated until the issue is identified.

Find a urologist who specializes in incontinence.

I wish you luck and success.

 

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When I met my wife and I knew we would always be together I discussed my bedwetting with her. I was not wetting when we met but knew it still could happen from time to time. She was fine with it having been a nightly bedwetter growing up like me. I doubt it is blatent dishonesty but just someone who doesn't know how to deal with it. Talking it out is the key.

 

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Dear Concerned and Worried Wife, I can only speak from my experience after prostate surgery. There are three issues to address:
1. Out of respect for himself, yourself and others, he should wear appropriate protection either Depends underwear, pads or shields depending on the severity. Depends also makes pads to place on the sheet. They are very effective and comfortable.
2. He should seek treatment from a urologist. There are treatments available: Kegels, drugs, surgery. It could be he has weak pelvic floor muscles that can be address with Kegel exercises. It could require a combination of treatments. But know that there are treatments.
3. You should be supportive as you have been but you also need to protect your own health which includes getting proper sleep. If he is unwilling to do the first two steps, you should consider sleeping separately. You are of no use to him or yourself if you become ill. This actually could be the biggest issue you have because he seems to be accepting of his condition. If he does not respect your feelings then that does not bode well for your marriage. And if that is the case you should prepare to see a marriage counselor as a couple. Hopefully it does not come to that but it is more than reasonable for him to respect and address your needs.
I wish you the best of luck.

 

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Probably a getting to be broken record, but I was never a bed wetter unless I was so exhausted that I would sleep thru a full bladder alarm. When the radical prostectomy catheter came out I was soaking a Depends pad every night for a week until I started taking my Prostigenix again. I IMMEDIATELY began sleeping thru the night and upon waking could still make it to the bathroom. I don't know what's in it, or how it works, but it has no side effects for me, anyway, I take one or two a day, and one before bedtime. My Wife gets credit, she was taking it, and she never had a prostate, and now neither do I, but a bottle of it is worth the price of a nights sleep and dry wake up for me. Show a bottle label to your doctor, get it online, made my post op life worth living almost immediately.

 

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@Worried_wife71436 Make sure you always have a supply of pads to put on the bed. They are very absorbent, and they will save your bedding and mattress. Have a spray bottle of Febreeze handy to cover up any urine smell there might be on furniture. Imipramine is an antidepressant that is sometimes prescribed for enuresis. It is reportedly quite effective. Finally, get a referral to a urologist so that your husband can be thoroughly checked out. Good luck!

 

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Worried_wife71436 - My post is apart from the obvious that your husband has a medical problem. He is an adult right? He should be cleaning up after himself. If he is wetting the bed without any protection you might want to consider getting a set of twin beds, then he would be ultimately responsible for his stinky bed. Would you pee in the bed and assume that he will clean it up? Probably not.

About 6 years after my husband and I were married and had four children, I began resenting him taking off his clothes and leaving them on the bedroom floor for me to do something with! One day I said to him, "Bill, I am not your maid. Would you please hang up your clothes or put them in the hamper?" We never had another problem with that. Later he even started folding his dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper. I know that not all guys are alike. As JSSSSCC says some men have sensitive egos. But as I read your post I ascertain that your husband's problem is not necessarily his ego but apathy. He may be used to his mother cleaning up after him so it doesn't bother him.

Forgive me if I sound uncaring about this. jcdunn101 and cpalmer have the right perspective, I think, that this indicates more of a problem than mere incontinence.

 

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Thank you everyone for the feedback and advice. Just for clarity he does not leave me to clean up and he's apologetic when it happens. My problem is that he just accepted it rather than seeking a solution. I was so irritated with it this morning I went and got in the guest bed. When he go up for work and i was gone he was even more apologetic and panicked because I left the room. I used it to push the conversation about him going to a doctor. He agreed to call his doctor today to make an appointment. I somehow have a feeling that didn't get done today. I will see when I get home. If he didn't my next step will be to but him a box of depends and some bed pads. It seems harsh even to me, but hopefully facing the possibility of wearing those will propel him to get help. I truly believe there's a remedy for this. I just need him to be motivated to find the solution.

 

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So. He’s a soldier. I used to be in the Army. I can tell you that bed wetting is a disqualification. He will be discharged, especially if they cannot figure it out. His acceptance might be more to do with not wanting to lose income. Also, ptsd can come from childhood as well. I am praying for you both. I have much more insight. I’ll save it for further convo. I’m definitely young, I started with bed wetting, IBS and now have daytime issues. From both childhood trauma and war time. Please understand that your love is important to him and this conversation can be remarkably hard even with our most beloved.
Grace and peace,
Art

 

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Thanks for that Intel. So if he goes to the military doc to get referred to a urologist, do they have to report it up to someone that would force him to discharge? That's definitely not what we want. He made it through basic, ait and has been in for going on 4 years including a deployment to Korea. Idk of he had any bed wetting incidents in basic or ait, but I assume not or they didn't catch him cause he didn't get kicked out. He doesn't do it every night or even every week. It's sporadic from my pov. It's just the fact that it happens at all that concerns me. But if there's a risk they'll find out and put him out I don't want him to chance it. We can find a solution on our own if we have to.

 

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That’s right. His pCM should refer him for medical separation for bed wetting. Which could be very humiliating. My incontinence didn’t begin until after my second deployment. I’ll now in a position where I am able to wear protective underwear and nobody knows. It’s hard. But manageable. It’s much harder for a young enlisted soldier because there medical care must go through their unit doctor.

 

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Could he tell them he has a kidney problem without mentioning the bed wetting?

 

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He can always choose a civilian Dr unaffiliated with the military. Might be a starting point and a first step toward a solution.

You may have to pay out of pocket as I believe tricare prime requires referral in order to be covered.

Might be a doable solution/remedy without him being disqualified from service. Also, his condition may stem from service related physical or mental trauma.

Good luck.

 

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Thankfully he hasn't called his pcm yet. We are going to try some things at home first, exhaust every option before we go to them. I definitely don't want to even give them a clue that would cause them to investigate.

 

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Some things to consider, if not already done so.

1) Definitely limit afternoon/evening alcohol, coffee, soda, and acidic juice consumption.
2) Refrain from drinking 3-5 hrs before bed.
3) Lower stress before bed. Yoga, meditation, or a bit of cardio.