Help me please! My boyfriends son is 21 and wets the bed

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Hi
I have a a boyfriend of 3 years that I live with that has a 21 year old son that wets the bed regularly usually when he stays up really late playing video games and he refuses to see a dr about the issue though I try and speak to him about it calmly he just stares at me like I’m an idiot the biggest issue that I’m having is when he does wet the bed he will not wash his sheets unless I get angry and make him do. He has pads he puts under him and when those get wet he just hides them all over his room I hAve tried to get his father to talk to him about it but he tells me he did but does not really put in much effort his son will finally clean it up when I have had enough and fuss at him and every thing will go good for a week or 2 and then he will stop cleaning up again he will sleep on those wet sheets for weeks if i don’t say anything and the smell will consume our home I know other people can smell it because they tell me I’m so frustrated I do not know what to do but it’s really putting a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend and I feel like I’m being disrespected because I know he knows it bothers me I have tried to be nice many times but I really hate the smell I don’t know what to do help! We tried getting him to set an alarm but he will just turn it off and not go to the bathroom unless we go in his room and tell him to! Is he just being lazy at this point? Because he had a girlfriend once for a few months and stopped wetting the bed but after they broke up he went right back to it!
I’m really considering leaving I don’t know how much more I can take!

 

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Hello, it sounds like your boyfriends son doesnt have a problem with the mess and the smell and also it doesnt seem like much of a problem to your boyfriend, or maybe he just dont want to deal with it. Its been my experience that I cant change how people do or dont do things and when I say anything I am the one doing something wrong, maybe sometimes I am the one wrong. I personally prefer to live alone so I dont deal with others issues that much. I do have friends who have moved in together and they bring or already have children (usually much younger) or pets. They dont seem to look after them and it causes issues. Im thinking of one friend whos girfriend moved in and brot along 6 cats and she never cleans the litter boxes. The place stinks like you wouldnt believe. She is too lazy to clean it and he wont clean it because the cats are not his. I feel bad for the cats. I know thats not the same thing as you have going on it just reminded me of those people. You may end up accepting this and living with it, if not you may leave the situation when posible. I dont think you will be able to correct it if the boyfriend and the son have accepted the situation and have lived with it before you was around. The son may be suffering with depression issues and having a new girlfriend distracted or helped temporarily, and thats just my opinion im not a doctor or anything even close.

 

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@Jazzychef I can only relate my own experiences but it could just be he's crazily embarrassed by it. When I was in my teens I'd still wet the bed but was too embarrassed to tell my parents about it and would just cover it up and not change the sheets. Certainly at that age sleeping on unclean sheets (and wearing unclean clothes during the day due to daytime issues) was still preferable to a) talking to my parents or a doctor about it and b) the embarrassment of wearing protection. It sounds like it's exacerbated by stress if he's started again after a breakup.

All I know is that later in life, after the initial embarrassment of discussing it with a doctor and starting to wear protection my life became much better. Whilst you can't get him to make a doctor's appointment or take more control of it, one option is just leaving some protection in his room and see if he takes it up. Chances are he is bothered by it. I wish my parents had actually had a discussion with me about my incontinence issues when I was younger. Often it's hard to speak up but when we have to due to someone else bringing it up, it makes it easier. Just my two cents' worth based on personal experience. Don't know if it's been any help.

 

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He needs a job and his own place!

 

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First, I've never been in the situation you're in, JazzyChef. However, after 71 years on this earth what RuHappy said is true. You can't change people especially if they don't want to change. You said you're considering leaving. I'm sure that would be very, very, difficult. Are they in your home or you in theirs? Would your boyfriend be willing to keep your relationship if you did move out to your own place or would it be ruined? You don't have to answer these questions to me, just to yourself.

Knowing that you probably took the time to find this forum and ask for advice here makes me assume you did your best and now are asking for those who might understand to help you. To me, that shows how much you care.

There are some very kind, knowledgeable, and understanding people in this forum. I hope someone here can offer you their advice.

 

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Maybe it’s a video game addiction? Poor hygiene is a sign, and some people actually wear diapers so they don’t have to interrupt the game! Anyway good luck, it sounds terrible.

 

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J...,
As you approach your important decision moment, I encourage you to think of your own (mental) well-being first. Prior to, however, do recognize that anyone with incontinence is embarrassed and often mortified, leading to otherwise unexplained behaviors including denial. Understanding that incontinence is a medical issue not unlike bad knees or any other malady is what finally gives one peace of mind and the ability to deal with it logically. Getting the son to recognize that is job one. With luck, he can then move on to job two, which is managing the condition including changing sheets and more importantly reducing the leakage.

A story I've told before that you have probably missed: "The easy answer is just stop the leakage and the problem goes away... the difficult detail is in how one does that. I've solved my own issue, not with any device that is presently on the market, but with a soft silicone device that my engineer partner and I have designed that is now patent pending......While we are no longer actively seeking volunteer testers for our aid, I would be happy to forward one in hopes that your son's well-being is improved. I wear mine up to 22 hours a day if I have hydrated, one way or another, in the evening. Because it is of a flexible material, it is to be used with a backup pad for the occasional moments of daytime stress leakage, such as when swinging a golf club. It works very well at night, since gravity is not adding to intravesical pressures...when lying down... Let me know if you'd like more info to pass on. Best wishes, Fynlee amhelp@comcast.com"

 

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@Bobby103 I agree

 

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@Jazzychef I would definitely leave. You can’t solve this. If you would like to continue seeing your boyfriend, you can, but only at your place. You must be assertive about this. Clearly, neither your boyfriend nor his son have any interest in changing their habits nor making changes in their man pad to keep you in their lives. That’s unbelievably disrespectful. I know it will be hard to do, but you need to go. There are other fish in the sea. You don’t even have to give them one more chance. Just quietly find a new place for yourself, gather your belongings, and leave one day. You don’t even necessarily need to say goodbye, just a leave note saying, “This place STINKS, you big babies. At least babies wear diapers!”

Those of us here on the forum largely practice great self-care in how often we shower and clean-up immediately after any wetting. We shave to minimize odor and swear.

Your boyfriend’s son is disgusting. There is no excuse for not washing his sheets. Further, it’s dangerous to have that much ammonia from urine circling around the house. It can cause heart, lung, and brain damage. And I guarantee you, it can probably even be smelled from outside the house, which is true at my aunt’s house. I’m surprised he hasn’t had skin infections from all the ammonia!

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!