Being intimate when you have incontinence

Wife is generally turned off by the diapers, though she accepts that they are there and we work around them in the bedroom. On occasion she will take it off me before sex and occasionally she doesn't want to touch it and I take it off myself to get ready. I also spend very little time at home without the Foley catheter in so that is a very obvious obstacle to intimacy. I don't have the catheter in when I go to work so we try to have sex around my workdays. Sometimes we will have sex on the first night of a few days stretch off from work and then she'll put the foley in when we're done. First night at home after a few days at work, having sex and then the foley, I sleep great and don't have to be in the bathroom all night.
 
I feel fortunate that I don't need to use a foley. My post op experience with that was that it got very painful. I forget how long I was hooked up after the prostate removal (Weeks?) But that got really bad near the end.

Not that I have any plan on using a foley again but can someone explain how you don't have things dry up to the point of serious pain? Do you remove and relube it or yourself or?? Get used to the irritation? *Confused. Also for folks that have chronic major leakage what do you think about some of the surgical options? My Uro Lady went over them but I was totally not in the market for more surgery so I didn't really pay much attention.

I have to count another blessing that I don't leak (99+%) if I cath on a regular basis. I can still urinate without a cath some (like Half) of whats in the bladder but doing that seems to be a sure fire way to make me leak and need to find pads for the rest of the day which I admit I'm grossed out about.

I've been switched to Trospium Chloride ER from whatever was two drugs ago that worked. I'm coming up on 30 days and it seems to make my vision blury (Or I need a new eyeglass prescription) and as an OAB drug it seems to be underwhelming. ie I'm hoofing it back and forth to the can a lot again and seem to be emptying smallish amounts. I'm kind of worried about all this frequency and running out of caths so I'm trying to let things fill up but then it gets bad enough that I don't quite make it in time (A couple times) so... Hopefully this insurance company will do a review and go back to the stuff I was sampled that worked.

Right now its just a matter of getting my head around the fact that getting intimate is doable without any urinary horrors and get out of this hug and a kiss - sleep mode we are stuck in.
 
Each time me and my wife have sex I take my dipper off in the bathroom and wife puts a towels on the bed ECT she makes me wear a condom although our family are completed afterwards when we are done she makes sure I've got a new dry diaper on ready for bed
 
Been using the foley for over 2 1/2 years. I don't have it in all the time, I go to work for three days out of the week and then I'm home for a stretch after my workweek. The wife puts it in while I'm home for a few days so I have it in for 3-4 days out of every week. Had problems with irritation early on and used some neosporin for a little while. Nowadays I'm so used to having it in and I don't even notice it most of the time. Though it does limit my availability for sex, we do an ok job of working around it. I always wear a diaper, whether the foley is in or not. With the foley in, the diaper catches any discharge and provides support so my equipment isn't bouncing around. My leakage isn't heavy, my primary issue is that I have interstitial cystitis and OAB. I have extreme urinary frequency, 20-30 times a day. So I'm quite uncomfortable without the foley in as I always have the urge to go to the bathroom.
 
I suppose now that having it all hanging loose so much was part of the discomfort post surgery for me. It got to be so bad when I read your post I thought OMG. That guy must be tough as nails!

I'll have to look up interstital cystitis. Never heard that term. I "thought" I had OAB but never ever 20-30 times a day. I've been playing musical OAB drugs what with my insurance formulary being weird and changing regularly. I've got the OAB down to a reasonable number. Like maybe 8 times a day. Cathing that many times makes it sometimes a close thing when the prescription is refilled. The current OAB drug is really pushing the limit so I kind of ride the edge of not making it where as the first one was good enough that I was only voiding maybe 6 times a day and didn't have to start worrying at the end of the month or bulking up on pads. Leakage wise (TMI) I use those #3 pads and that works ok if I end up not cathing.
 
How do I start tje conversation with my husband. He definitely leaks and I'm not sure what if any risk.that may pose. But, the smell can be a turnoff. I love my husband, I know this conversation is tough, I don't want to offend or hurt him. It's just difficult being intimate with the odor
 
Concernedwife,
Although I'm not married and am fairly new to incontinence, I have learned that very good regular cleansing and using barrier creams regularly helps to keep the urine smell from absorbing into my skin. I prefer A&D Ointment as it is exceptional at forming a very nice barrier and keeps skin protected and healthy as well as scent free. Additionally, as an added precaution, and more protection from moisture and smells, I use scented powder. My preference is the blue aloe or purple lavender corn starches since I've heard that talc is potentially harmful for women. I imagine that a quick but thorough cleaning before getting intimate may also prove beneficial. Good luck!
 
My wife has been very supportive. My injuries are not my fault and the disabilities that followed are not either. We have had a baby even since my incontinence started.
She is fully accepting of my diapers. To the point that I no longer feel the need to cover up all the time around her.
In time of intamacy we often start our intamacy in the shower after I have had time to make sure I am "empty". Then move to the bedroom. I don't normally leak during sex, but my incontinence is nerve damage related not prostate like many others.
 
I think I'm the biggest issue in the bedroom. I've never been diagnosed with anything but bedwetting but I definitely make frequent trips to the bathroom and do not have the ability to really "hold it" when the urge hits. Recently I've started wearing the Always Discreet pads to bed and sometimes during the day and if my husband tries to initiate things while I'm wearing one I'm extremely uncomfortable. This has been an issue all my life and I've been with my husband for a little more than 2 years so it's not a new problem but from my upbringing it's hard for me to accept that he really doesn't mind and I don't need to be so embarrassed about it. It's just hard for me to 1: feel any bit of sexy wearing a pad and 2: believe that he can be remotely turned on when I'm wearing it.
 
From the postings above, it looks like communications is key: it's important for reassurance, for bringing up issues of cleanliness, for initiating intimacy, and more.

Communications can be hard and feel risky because we never know what the other person hears in what we are trying to say, how they interpret our words. There's potential for misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and conflict. But since communications is foundational we have to take the risk of communicating.
 
Just one minor update. My uro wrote in something to the insurance company (Like 3 times) about that new drug I mentioned called myrbetriq. Of the 4 I tried it was the only one that worked without major side effects. Actually other then one the others didn't seem to do anything but side effects. So - if OAB is part of the problem that might be the solution.

I'm still using the Speedi Compact Caths and if anyone wants a rating I say these are very good. I tried another one that is from a new company http://www.compactcath.com/ which I also like and would add its smaller so its not sticking out of your pocket. I was seeing the urologist who did my penile implant and he told me "Your catheters are falling out of your pocket" which was a little bit embarassing (And this after being naked from the waist down a few minutes earlier. So how dumb is that? Anyway these new ones are very different. I think they will do samples so I encourage everyone who wants to try the 'Empty the tank fully before getting intimate' idea a shot to check them or Coloplast out.

Its nice to know there is nothing to spill if nothing else. By that I mean whatever your comfortable with day to day be it pads etc. If you cath before sex? And not other times? Its still a win I think.
 
I was left incontinent--totally-- after a Greenlight laser procedure for BPH in March of last year. As I'm continually leaking, we haven't had sex for nearly a year now. The last time was two nights before the Greenlight procedure that left me in this state. The procedure also hasn't helped my nighttime trips to the toilet, as sleeping on my back allows the bladder to fill to the point of waking me. I'm hoping that at some point, I will be able to have an artificial sphincter (AMS 800) implanted to control, or at least greatly reduce the leaking, but I also have urethra strictures left over from the Greenlight procedure, so until they are repaired, I can't have the implant done. We've been married a lot of years, so for now, we're living with this bump in the road.
 
LovelyPhoenix
I would seriously consider seeing you doctor about leaking. You should get a diagnosis so you know what your dealing with. There are some good drugs that can reduce or even eliminate this problem if its OAB. I understand the fears of talking about this but consider giving him some credit. He is not talking about it but you (I think) should. A lot of men just don't see a doctor unless bones are broken or blood is shooting out. *Which my GP complains is why men don't live as long as women.

I have my fingers crossed you see a doctor and get some good ideas on how to take care of this!
 
Just one last thing to ponder. None of us asked to have this problem. I think instead of being ashamed we ought to focus the energy on dealing with the problem the best we can.
 
Jay said:
Just one minor update. My uro wrote in something to the insurance company (Like 3 times) about that new drug I mentioned called myrbetriq. Of the 4 I tried it was the only one that worked without major side effects. Actually other then one the others didn't seem to do anything but side effects. So - if OAB is part of the problem that might be the solution.

I'm still using the Speedi Compact Caths and if anyone wants a rating I say these are very good. I tried another one that is from a new company http://www.compactcath.com/ which I also like and would add its smaller so its not sticking out of your pocket. I was seeing the urologist who did my penile implant and he told me "Your catheters are falling out of your pocket" which was a little bit embarassing (And this after being naked from the waist down a few minutes earlier. So how dumb is that? Anyway these new ones are very different. I think they will do samples so I encourage everyone who wants to try the 'Empty the tank fully before getting intimate' idea a shot to check them or Coloplast out.

Its nice to know there is nothing to spill if nothing else. By that I mean whatever your comfortable with day to day be it pads etc. If you cath before sex? And not other times? Its still a win I think.
Click to expand...

Did you have any side effects with the myrbetriq ? as read there can be. Also, do you happen to know if its OK for stress incontinence ?
 
I take a number of pills for different things so I can't say for sure that Myrbetriq is symptom free for me but the other drugs I tried (And this is just me) had side effects that I noticed and of course them not working kind of made that silly. I "think" Myrbetriq works in a different manner. Anyway glad I got put on it as it lowers the number of times I have to cath. Which I should probably mention has become pretty much a non factor. You get used to it and its just automatic. Oh! I know I mentioned two other types of caths that I used. I went to the Coloplast Speedi Compact Set https://www.coloplast.us/speedicath-compact-set-en-us.aspx This is a little bit larger to carry around and has a built in bag. The two things that make this good is there is rare to never any mess and in a pinch you can use one just about anywhere. In other words you don't need to be hovering over a toilet. For me its a better fit so no leakages to worry about.
 
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