Being intimate when you have incontinence
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Archives1
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I think we must first ask:
Is the incontinence present when entering a relationship, or is it the onset of incontinence occurring during an established relationship?
Two very different situations can be envisioned. In either instance, the incontinence of the other cannot be ignored.
Is the incontinence present when entering a relationship, or is it the onset of incontinence occurring during an established relationship?
Two very different situations can be envisioned. In either instance, the incontinence of the other cannot be ignored.
Archives1
Staff member
My one line answer "as little as possible" was a bad joke. I do find it hard to talk about incontence with my wife and the problem with leakage during sex is REALLY hard to talk about. So I did do something about it and here are some notes.
Leakage during sex also known as climacturia appears to be a common (but not reported) problem for men who have had Prostate Cancer treatments.
PubMed has some good articles on climacturia. In one report it seems that the vast majority of men with this problem are not talking to their doctor about the issue out of shame or embarassment. A study where prostate cancer patients were asked about problems with climacturia showed 44% of the group was bothered by this problem. The same group was quized two years post op and 36% still reported this to be a problem.
I was really shocked. Its nice to know this is not just me but wow... Thats a lot of patients. When I brought this up with my Uro it was solvable. I think I could easily be one of the guys that doesn't report it crowd. My Uro was very aware of the problem and actually complimented me for speaking up. Its been solved and no more yuck factor to deal with.
Leakage during sex also known as climacturia appears to be a common (but not reported) problem for men who have had Prostate Cancer treatments.
PubMed has some good articles on climacturia. In one report it seems that the vast majority of men with this problem are not talking to their doctor about the issue out of shame or embarassment. A study where prostate cancer patients were asked about problems with climacturia showed 44% of the group was bothered by this problem. The same group was quized two years post op and 36% still reported this to be a problem.
I was really shocked. Its nice to know this is not just me but wow... Thats a lot of patients. When I brought this up with my Uro it was solvable. I think I could easily be one of the guys that doesn't report it crowd. My Uro was very aware of the problem and actually complimented me for speaking up. Its been solved and no more yuck factor to deal with.
Archives1
Staff member
I'm kind of lucky that I'm already married. With my newish/worsening bedwetting I'm already mortified by it even with my loving and supportive wife. I'd have a hard time imagining having the confidence to try to meet someone new. Maybe it's just because this is so new to me though. Maybe if I had years experience with it like so many here do, I'd regain my confidence and not let it define me. Being so new to incontinence issues, it's like the only thing I think about and feeling confident and sexy feels like a pipe dream :/
I was hiding my issue from my wife for years. In fact I didn't even know I had an issue. I though everyone wet the bed once or twice a year. Recently though, my wetting has become much more frequent and higher volume and when I woke up in a soaked bed there was really no hiding it from her. She's been very supportive and I know she feels bad that someone she loves is having to deal with this. I'm wearing protection at night, and we're both optimistic that we'll be better rested for it.
She doesn't even know about my very slight occaisional daytime leakage though. I have a lot of OAB symptoms and was really surprised to leak a bit a couple times recently. Small amounts but I don't want to tell her about it. I'm seeing a urologist tomorrow to discuss the sleep wetting and I intend to tell him everything. I'm kind of expecting an OAB diagnosis with slight urge incon. Hopefully my daytime issues don't progress to the point where I need to wear protection but even if they do, I'm at the point now where the leaks are so minor that a shield/guard would definitely do the trick. I keep telling myself it's not that big of a deal. I know if it comes to it, my wife will support me in that too.
I was hiding my issue from my wife for years. In fact I didn't even know I had an issue. I though everyone wet the bed once or twice a year. Recently though, my wetting has become much more frequent and higher volume and when I woke up in a soaked bed there was really no hiding it from her. She's been very supportive and I know she feels bad that someone she loves is having to deal with this. I'm wearing protection at night, and we're both optimistic that we'll be better rested for it.
She doesn't even know about my very slight occaisional daytime leakage though. I have a lot of OAB symptoms and was really surprised to leak a bit a couple times recently. Small amounts but I don't want to tell her about it. I'm seeing a urologist tomorrow to discuss the sleep wetting and I intend to tell him everything. I'm kind of expecting an OAB diagnosis with slight urge incon. Hopefully my daytime issues don't progress to the point where I need to wear protection but even if they do, I'm at the point now where the leaks are so minor that a shield/guard would definitely do the trick. I keep telling myself it's not that big of a deal. I know if it comes to it, my wife will support me in that too.
Archives1
Staff member
Update and my solution. First the problem has been some fairly regular leakages which had me wearing pads. *Note for guys horrified buying pads at the local store just buy women's pads so everyone assumes your picking them up for your wife. *OK I know this is Sad. Anyway Amazon ships things fairly quick.
So I was wearing a daily pad (or two or more) for leakage that seemed inexplicably to often happen directly after urinating. In general I had lots of bathroom runs and some in the middle of the night. AKA classic OAB (Over Active Bladder) I also had Climacturia (Incontinence during sexual climax) which had really put a stop to getting intimate. TMI ALERT we tried "outer-course" and it was like bringing the backyard sprinkler in bed. Embarrassing to the max and the idea of this happening again? Unthinkably gross.
So I went in to see my UroDoc and admitted with some embarrassment what was going on. She was good at making this not embarrassing btw. So - I learned that I've got a small bladder. Like filled to the absolute max in a urodynamics test they measured me at a max of 250mL. A sonogram to look at what was left post voiding showed that I wasn't fully emptying the bladder. Something more then 100mL left which makes all the frequent urinating make sense. If all I could do was to add 150mL at a time and was drinking normal amounts of fluids it just naturally results in lots of visits to half empty the bladder. According to the Doc having a bladder that never empties out is not healthy. If I understand it the stagnent Urine increases your chances for bladder and kidney infections. And from personal experience OUCH...
And it explained the very odd condition where I would need a pad directly after voiding. Where was it coming from? The half empty bladder. My Uro had me try an OAB drug that was supposed to let my bladder really full before having that MUST GO NOW feeling. I tried a generic drug which was all side effects and didn't work. She ended up having me take a newer drug called Mytbetriq which worked ok.
Then UroDoc addressed the getting fully empty part. Having had total urinary obstruction before having my Prostate Cancer surgery I had plenty of experience CICing / self cathing. She sent me home with a box of the latest new and improved IC (Interment catheters) to check out. I liked the new one from Coloplast "Speedi Cath Compact" Its pocket sized and saves you from answering "Whats that for" questions that I got with full sized catheters. They come Self lubricated so you just clean yourself with a BZK Wipe (Benzalkonium Chloride) to avoid UTIs, you unscrew the cath to open it, then cath yourself. When your done you trash it. With a little experience this goes really fast. Like not noticable different from someone urinating normally.
The Results of this combination have been really good. Self cathing totally empties my bladder so the after "wiz" leakage went away. In fact I'm going without pads! For dealing with climacturia UDoc suggested I cath before getting intimate. You can't have climacturia when there is nothing to leak. She said that after getting intimate I should cath again (Even tho the output is next to nothing) which helps you avoid UTIs. In addition to all that being fully emptied out by cathing before bed combined with the results from the Myrbetriq means I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to pee. Which btw is an amazing experience to be waking up in the morning and not 3 AM.
There were a couple of other ideas she had suggested. There were some urologic surgery things which I voted down. *I'm ODed on Surgery. She talked about wearing an incontinence clamp (Didn't try that one) and the external condom catheter. Which I did try. It does away with the pads and you can avoid night time bathroom runs. The condom part of the Condom catheter is really glued on and you do get used to it fairly quickly. It has to be worn nearly all the time and if you want to get intimate If I understood UroDoc you would put another standard condom over the condom catheter with the hose either disconnected or folded down under the outside condom. I would say its worth trying if the self cathing really horrifies you.
That said - I would give self cathing a chance. It sounds much worse then it is.
I hope this helps someone else.
Good Luck!
So I was wearing a daily pad (or two or more) for leakage that seemed inexplicably to often happen directly after urinating. In general I had lots of bathroom runs and some in the middle of the night. AKA classic OAB (Over Active Bladder) I also had Climacturia (Incontinence during sexual climax) which had really put a stop to getting intimate. TMI ALERT we tried "outer-course" and it was like bringing the backyard sprinkler in bed. Embarrassing to the max and the idea of this happening again? Unthinkably gross.
So I went in to see my UroDoc and admitted with some embarrassment what was going on. She was good at making this not embarrassing btw. So - I learned that I've got a small bladder. Like filled to the absolute max in a urodynamics test they measured me at a max of 250mL. A sonogram to look at what was left post voiding showed that I wasn't fully emptying the bladder. Something more then 100mL left which makes all the frequent urinating make sense. If all I could do was to add 150mL at a time and was drinking normal amounts of fluids it just naturally results in lots of visits to half empty the bladder. According to the Doc having a bladder that never empties out is not healthy. If I understand it the stagnent Urine increases your chances for bladder and kidney infections. And from personal experience OUCH...
And it explained the very odd condition where I would need a pad directly after voiding. Where was it coming from? The half empty bladder. My Uro had me try an OAB drug that was supposed to let my bladder really full before having that MUST GO NOW feeling. I tried a generic drug which was all side effects and didn't work. She ended up having me take a newer drug called Mytbetriq which worked ok.
Then UroDoc addressed the getting fully empty part. Having had total urinary obstruction before having my Prostate Cancer surgery I had plenty of experience CICing / self cathing. She sent me home with a box of the latest new and improved IC (Interment catheters) to check out. I liked the new one from Coloplast "Speedi Cath Compact" Its pocket sized and saves you from answering "Whats that for" questions that I got with full sized catheters. They come Self lubricated so you just clean yourself with a BZK Wipe (Benzalkonium Chloride) to avoid UTIs, you unscrew the cath to open it, then cath yourself. When your done you trash it. With a little experience this goes really fast. Like not noticable different from someone urinating normally.
The Results of this combination have been really good. Self cathing totally empties my bladder so the after "wiz" leakage went away. In fact I'm going without pads! For dealing with climacturia UDoc suggested I cath before getting intimate. You can't have climacturia when there is nothing to leak. She said that after getting intimate I should cath again (Even tho the output is next to nothing) which helps you avoid UTIs. In addition to all that being fully emptied out by cathing before bed combined with the results from the Myrbetriq means I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to pee. Which btw is an amazing experience to be waking up in the morning and not 3 AM.
There were a couple of other ideas she had suggested. There were some urologic surgery things which I voted down. *I'm ODed on Surgery. She talked about wearing an incontinence clamp (Didn't try that one) and the external condom catheter. Which I did try. It does away with the pads and you can avoid night time bathroom runs. The condom part of the Condom catheter is really glued on and you do get used to it fairly quickly. It has to be worn nearly all the time and if you want to get intimate If I understood UroDoc you would put another standard condom over the condom catheter with the hose either disconnected or folded down under the outside condom. I would say its worth trying if the self cathing really horrifies you.
That said - I would give self cathing a chance. It sounds much worse then it is.
I hope this helps someone else.
Good Luck!
Archives1
Staff member
My wife is super understanding. When I had to start wearing diapers to bed I was terrified that she'd not be attracted to me and find it gross. She comes to bed a lot later than I do because she likes to stay up and catch up on the DVR. Sometimes now she comes into bed and wakes me up and asks me if I'm dry. If I am then she'll start pulling my diaper off and initiate foreplay and sex. It's awesome because this problem has made me not feel incredibly manly or sexy for my wife but she's been showing me that it's not affecting her that way. I'm so lucky to have a woman like her.
Archives1
Staff member
MikeJames said:
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Way to go! There's always a little room for levity and playfulness between two partners on occasion. Why defer or deny intimacy when incontinence is present ??? Just open the mind and expand your horizons. You will find that life is alive and wonderful, sometimes even ironically enhanced, following adversity.
People with both hidden and visible disability deal with all sorts of body modifications and appliances every day. It's not unusual to hear them speak of the unexpected and positive 'compensations' the body and mind will make to deal with our deficits.
Archives1
Staff member
Agree Andy. I have to say in some ways this has brought my wife and I closer. The first time I had to wear a diaper to bed and I knew she'd see it I was so uncomfortable and humiliated. But she totally put me at ease. It's such a vulnerable feeling which is pretty alien to most men. We're not used to vulnerability and it's a scary feeling, but when you're at your most vulnerable and someone accepts you, it becomes and incredibly powerful GOOD feeling. Now wearing a diaper to bed is quite routine. I've fallen asleep on the couch before my wife got home and she woke me and very matter of factly, said babe shouldn't you be wearing your diaper if you're sleeping? No big deal. We drove to NYC to visit friends for a weekend last week and she drove and when I dozed off in the car she suggested we pull over so I could put a diaper on. NO big deal. it was the first weekend sleeping at someone elses house since being in diapers. We packed diapers and ziplock bags and "carried in, carried out". We don't call them pads or briefs or incontinence pants. I wear diapers...NO BIG DEAL.
I don't know if I've 100% accepted this. I hold out hope for a cure but wearing diapers really just isn't the end of the world. When I feel down about it I just remind myself that a crappy bladder is better than a crappy heart or cancer or any of a thousand other much worse conditions. Helps me keep it in perspective.
I don't know if I've 100% accepted this. I hold out hope for a cure but wearing diapers really just isn't the end of the world. When I feel down about it I just remind myself that a crappy bladder is better than a crappy heart or cancer or any of a thousand other much worse conditions. Helps me keep it in perspective.
Archives1
Staff member
We don't bring my incontinence into the bedroom. I mean, obviously my girl is aware of what I wear on a daily basis, but I don't put them on in front of her. When we are intimate, I will clean in the bathroom and then change afterwards.We have waterproof sheets on the bed, and she will ask me if I put my pants on before I fall asleep. I've felt her tap them too but it isn't a sex thing, she just cares about me.
Archives1
Staff member
We handle this in a similar way as the man above.
When my husband is in that mood, he throws verbal hints out to me, or kisses me a certain way and I just know. When I am willing, or if I am the one in the mood first, I will take care of my biz in the bathroom and come out 'ready' for my husband. We leave the incontinence completely out of it as well. Our mattress is protected and we forget about all of that and just have fun. He knows that I am likely to leak while we are intimate and it doesn't faze him at all. He completely ignores that if it happens. When we are finished, I go back into the bathroom and take care of my business again. Thankfully, it's never been a big deal for us and our intimate relationship is the same as it was before I became bladder incontinent. His love for me is so unconditional and I am so thankful for that.
When my husband is in that mood, he throws verbal hints out to me, or kisses me a certain way and I just know. When I am willing, or if I am the one in the mood first, I will take care of my biz in the bathroom and come out 'ready' for my husband. We leave the incontinence completely out of it as well. Our mattress is protected and we forget about all of that and just have fun. He knows that I am likely to leak while we are intimate and it doesn't faze him at all. He completely ignores that if it happens. When we are finished, I go back into the bathroom and take care of my business again. Thankfully, it's never been a big deal for us and our intimate relationship is the same as it was before I became bladder incontinent. His love for me is so unconditional and I am so thankful for that.
Archives1
Staff member
I am not sure how I missed this topic before, but it is a very important issue with those of us suffering from incontinence. While I know the initial response "As little as possible" was tongue and cheek, I would have to say there is a measure of truth to that.
Since becoming incontinent after an injury over two years ago, my wife and I have had very few deep discussions about my incontinence and need to be diapered 24/7. I am very lucky in that I know she still loves me and supports me in every other way, but even two years in, she is definitely not comfortable talking about the situation, especially the diapers. I try to respect this and manage as discretely as possible. I know a big hangup for her is the fact I am 47 and she holds that stigma that diapers are for babies and the elderly, not her husband and the father of her child. I have asked her if she would be more comfortable with a catheter, but she says no.
In terms of intimacy, we still make love occasionally. I am similar to the posters above, in that I respect she would rather not see me in my diaper, and prepare in the bathroom before entering the bedroom. There is always a waterproof mattress pad on the bed anyway, and during intimacy I will bring an underpad (chux) for us to lay on. It is interesting that she does not mind the underpad or any urine which may leak out, for her the turn off is the diaper.
There are times where I wish she would be more open to discussing the diapers so I could vent those usual frustrations that come with diaper dependence, but because she continues to love and support me in every other way, I do not push it.
Since becoming incontinent after an injury over two years ago, my wife and I have had very few deep discussions about my incontinence and need to be diapered 24/7. I am very lucky in that I know she still loves me and supports me in every other way, but even two years in, she is definitely not comfortable talking about the situation, especially the diapers. I try to respect this and manage as discretely as possible. I know a big hangup for her is the fact I am 47 and she holds that stigma that diapers are for babies and the elderly, not her husband and the father of her child. I have asked her if she would be more comfortable with a catheter, but she says no.
In terms of intimacy, we still make love occasionally. I am similar to the posters above, in that I respect she would rather not see me in my diaper, and prepare in the bathroom before entering the bedroom. There is always a waterproof mattress pad on the bed anyway, and during intimacy I will bring an underpad (chux) for us to lay on. It is interesting that she does not mind the underpad or any urine which may leak out, for her the turn off is the diaper.
There are times where I wish she would be more open to discussing the diapers so I could vent those usual frustrations that come with diaper dependence, but because she continues to love and support me in every other way, I do not push it.
Archives1
Staff member
My girlfriend doesn't mind my diapers except for intimacy she finds them a bit of a turn off. So when we have dates I don't wear a diaper per se. Abena makes pads called the abri-San. Those pads are basically diapers without the tabs they hold a lot! They advertise that they are actually more absorbent than their diapers which is questionable but Abena makes great products.
I engage in intimacy and compromise with her. I prefer the diapers, however on date nights I wear boxer/briefs and put the pad in. When I try to be intimate I take the pad out in the bathroom so it's only the underwear. I make sure to try to use the toilet or make my move right after an "accident" so I can bet my bladder will be empty. This method works in my circumstances.
I engage in intimacy and compromise with her. I prefer the diapers, however on date nights I wear boxer/briefs and put the pad in. When I try to be intimate I take the pad out in the bathroom so it's only the underwear. I make sure to try to use the toilet or make my move right after an "accident" so I can bet my bladder will be empty. This method works in my circumstances.
Archives1
Staff member
I had to switch oab drugs again (Stupid Insurance stuff) but the latest (Cheapest) seems ok. The self cathing has really become a non issue. I guess practice makes perfect. I would be interested if anyone other then me does this and what kind of experiences they have had.
If your spouse is not keen on the diapers and pads draining the bladder 100% with a cath seems like it would give you a window to get intimate then go to the pads etc.
How many btw have brought up the sex issue with their doctors? A quick hand count would be interesting.
If your spouse is not keen on the diapers and pads draining the bladder 100% with a cath seems like it would give you a window to get intimate then go to the pads etc.
How many btw have brought up the sex issue with their doctors? A quick hand count would be interesting.
Archives1
Staff member
Emptying my bladder using an intermittent catheter is the way I make it work with my wife. Catching ensures that My bladder is empty. And an empty bladder gives me the confidence that I am not going to leak on her or into bed while we are intimate. Afterward I slip out of the bed and put on a fresh diaper. I catch any minor spill during foreplay or sex using a towel. We always have a few towels in bed when we have sex. We use them to wipe our hands from lube and to catch bodily fluids.
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