When to tell others

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When do you think is the best time to tell people about wearing diapers when dating? I just told a guy on our third date prior to being intimate and it didn't go well. I can't figure out whether to be upfront or to wait.

 

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I would say when they need to know or would otherwise find out on their own like when it's getting more intimate or there's some reason they would see your underwear. Or another great time is if they open up about their own medical issues or things that make them vulnerable. Taking a stance like "I understand, I have to wear diapers and that makes me feel the same way" something like that. Because you are saying that to support them they have more self interest to be understanding towards you.

 

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I really don't think that there's a single, good, one-size-fits-all answer to that question. It depends on so many factors, involving you (How severe is your incontinence? Do you have other medical conditions? How ashamed are you of your condition? When does it affect you? etc.) and, of course, them. It is probably best to bring it up in a long conversation to test the waters, and remember: given the current stigma, some people may never be accepting, while even in the best circumstances, there will be plenty of questions.

 

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Every situation is different, but as for dating, I would be open and up front about it, no one likes a 'Surprise" like incontinence can be, along with an uncomfortable topic of discussion for many!

 

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I don't have a standard answer for this as I was married and way out of the dating world when this began. I have told a few friends and other family when I felt like the time was right. I think you just know when you are comfortable enough with people to reveal something like this. None of the people I have told have reacted in a negative way. All have been very "matter of fact" about it, and it hasn't seemed to change things. Have had a few gay friends come out of the closet to me and our circle of friends. It has always been regarded as "well, whatever, it doesn't really change anything between us" attitude much like revealing bladder problems. "It is what it is" best of luck.

 

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To tell or not to tell, and when to tell are questions that have not occurred to me. My family assisted me through some six urological surgeries, including the sphincterotomy that left me incontinent. My neighbors watched visiting nurses come and go after those surgeries; they asked questions, and neither my wife nor I lied. They see my laundered diapers hanging outside in good weather. Incontinence is simply understood as one part of who I am; hiding it was never possible. If the stigma was operating here, my neighbors have been polite enough to avoid mentioning it. I have a brain injury, a brain tumor, and a bi-lateral inner ear disease, which together make me walk like a drunk and fall occasionally. That does arrest by-standers' attention, and is occasionally the talk of the neighbors. If incontinence is as much a part of who you are, informing others can come naturally, rather than being the star of a carefully-prepared production, which gives the stigma more power than it really has.

 

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Maybe you should get to know someone WELL before jumping into bed with them.

 

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Im 56, 6'-0", 190, fit, atractive,straight, white. I know, wierd profile name. Maybe this help you understand.
When in H.S I met a girl and it wasn't long on finding out why we were the only 2 sitting out swimming class and we became friends. I was on track team, she played on the tennis team. She used to hide the diapers while playing tennis with pantyhose and those briefs with the lace around legs and rows of lace on back. It was such a pretty look. It didnt matter because everyone else were wearing the same ruffled panties and nobody could tell my friend was wearing diapers. You dont see the look anymore, wish that fashion would make a comeback.
Anyway she graduated college and moved away. I have dated girls that did not wear them and because I wear them it just doesn't seem as comfortable a relationship as me being with someone similar. Maybe the girl for me is a Square Dance Girl with UI . I dont know how to square dance at this point but am willing to learn

 

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As others have said, I guess I see this as something that's pretty personal and would be disclosed at the same point in a relationship where you were comfortable telling someone intimate life details like awkward sexual experiences, total number of sexual partners, life altering episodes of fecal incontinence (as in a pool, school or restaurant had to be shut down and you moved away afterwards), any prescription medication you are taking or past medical history. Some people, even those who are married, never get to the point where any of those conversations come up in their lifetimes, and that's ok. Less can definitely be more. Do we really need to KNOW everything about each other's most intimate personal habits? In other words, if it comes up, it comes up. Don't hide it, but don't offer it randomly either. If it comes up, discuss it normally, because it is normal, for you. Unless it's contagious or illegal I don't feel any of these things are part of normal disclosure. I guess as a woman my opinion is different because we're used to hiding our "feminine products" for life? Do you feel the need to tell a partner if you have a preference for pads vs tampons when you have your period? Exactly!

We're adults and if we have external fluid challenges, or urinary incontinence, we wear pads or disposable undergarments. Presentation and correct terminology is everything. You are in control of perception. To me, referring to "diapers" or "pee" would only be appropriate when discussing babies, not adults.

The only exception to my personal opinion is if you're into urine or infantilism sexually, as in a fetish type of nature. Then yes, you should mention that. Not judging but wanted to mention it because this site/forum is definitely not a place for that.

 

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I have had to tell dates with whom I appear to be getting serious that I don't always wear normal underwear. (Now it has come to the point that I never do...)So far, it hasn't altered the direction of any relationships, but I have been off the dating scene for quite a while, so I don't know what would happen if I met someone I really liked tomorrow. Time will tell, I guess. I guess I should be glad that no one has ever misinterpreted it as meaning that I wear woman's underwear...

 

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I have had to tell dates with whom I appear to be getting serious that I don't always wear normal underwear. (Now it has come to the point that I never wear normal underwear...)So far, it hasn't altered the direction of any relationships, but I have been off the dating scene for quite a while, so I don't know what would happen if I met someone I really liked tomorrow. Time will tell, I guess. I guess I should be glad that no one has ever misinterpreted it as meaning that I wear woman's underwear...

 

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I think you know when you need to tell people. My incon started with bedwetting first and I hadn't told my wife for quite a while. I usually would wake mid stream and could stop before getting the bed wet. Also when she was pregnant with our son she started sleeping on the couch and still does many nights. However one night when she was in bed with me I totally soaked it. I had to tell her. From that night on, it seemed to just get worse and worse and more and more often and I couldn't hide it at all. She was very supportive of everything, even my decision to manage with diapers. No one else knows or needs to know.

 

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My wife knew I had a bedwetting problem when I was younger actually up until I moved away to college. She had noticed I was getting up every 2 hours in the day to use the bathroom. I just told her my sugar was up. It was until I started wetting the bed again that it became a problem that I couldn't hid. She knew I was hiding something from her changing my clothes in the middle of the day, or coming home from work at random times and taking a fast shower change and leave for work again. Finally I bought adult briefs to wear and hid those to. But on nights when we slept together in the same bed. Oh I guess I should have said I work the late shift and we now only sleep at the same time on Sunday nights since I'm off. Anyways on those nights I would not wear the diaper (brief) because I was ashamed for her to find out. Well one night I slept through my bathroom alarm and soaked the bed straight down to the box spring. She was very concerned and caring. She suggested I wear a diaper or something to help me stay dry. I told her everything and she was very understanding and told me not to hide it from her after almost 13 years together I would have gotten that message.

 

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Flash forward almost a month. I still would not actually let her see me in the diaper because of my insecurity. That was until last Sunday morning when I threw my back out again getting out of tge shower and couldn't reach around to put the diaper on. She came back to the bedroom to check on me and saw me struggling. It was either spend all day having accidents and then wetting the bed again or let her help. So I chose to accept her offer to put the diaper on me. I was so embarrassed however she reminded me that she does this everyday for her students(high school special needs teacher)and that if she can do it for them then it is easy for someone she lives.

Well after she had to put it on me let just say the cat is fully out of the bag and I nolonger hid them from her.

 

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clickable text

Derick is a friend of mine. The youtube clip is about how he came out and told his TV audience (he is a TV host) about his incontnece.

I hope this helps a bit with those struggling to tell others.

You are not alone.

 

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Tarek, that was a wonderful video. That is so similar to my issues, but I don't have near that sort of courage. What an inspiration. Thanks for posting.