Shoulder Surgery

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I had shoulder surgery last Thursday... torn labrum, three torn rotator cuffs and partial tear in Bicep tendon. I was very concerned with the surger due to my infontinence due to the help I was going to need from the wife. My wife totally understands my incontinence and supports my needs. I have been trying to go to an external cath leading up to the surgery which has not been very successful, so it was back to my diapers which I have managed my incontinence with all my life. She obviously does not find me very attractive in diapers which has been an issue that last couple years, we have been married 23 years. She has been helping change my diaper since the surgery, I see the disgust in her eyes while helping me and it is killing me inside.. it truly just hurts me that she even has to help me deal with them and help me out. Dr says 2-3 more weeks I should possibly be able to manage changing myself. I am just so down on myself and being a burden on her especially the diaper changing. She has mentioned in the past that she just couldn’t look at me the same way if she had to help change me and stuff. I see it in her eyes and just know once this chapter is over things are going to be different between us just due to things she has said in the past, I don’t forget these comments due to the hurt they have caused me psychologically. I have tried to do it myself and even tried using the pull ups with a booster and they leak and then it is all about the clothes needing washed and bedding which currently I can only sleep in a recliner.. I sent her flowers yesterday and have been trying everything to show her how much I appreciate the help she has been giving, just really down on myself at the moment. I am such and independent person, even after surgery in recovery the nurses started changing me and so was so embarrassed and I am sure they see it everyday. Sorry for the poor me post... wife helps me change in the morning and by noon I need to change myself so I have been using a thick pull on cloth plant and over pants which are holding until she gets home, then I hear comments how disgusting the cloth and pants are..today she is wanting to go visit her mom and sister and Leave straight from work, I heard her on phone with one of them saying she can’t be there until a certain time because she has to come home first to change me before heading out. One thing I didn’t know she had ever told them I am even incontinent, I mean it is not hard to figure out over the years I suppose, I am not ashamed of it, but do try and hide it.. ok back to my like 9th Netflix series to pass the time..

 

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It is a depressing issue in its self to have shoulder surgery or any other surgery (antidepressants are commonly prescribed to counter act the anestisia effects, lack of mobilty and pain while one recovers). so give your self credit for fortitude.
I have found that family members are not all suited for CNA duty or can be squeamish, they cant help that this is not a vocation they are suited to even if they are well intentioned.
I trained as a CNA from an early age to have an outlet for my compassion, hoped to be of service to my own family when the time came. I was fine with strangers. To my horror, i was barely, BARELY able to provide practical assistance to my own mother after a surgery. Now I see my daughter has NO coping mechanism for my nocturnal incontinence or any health issue but graciously does what she CAN do which is to provide disposable indewear and toilet assist devices and does not comment on my daily laundry of wet items.
Your relationship with your wife is composed of many threads woven over the course of a long marriage.this will continue to play out regardless of your continence and one can only do what you did, honor her with flowers, do what you can to be useful and considerate in your shared lives snd know its hard on both of you. One can only wonder how her own health will change in the course of her life. This could one day be an issue for her too. None of us gets out of this life without dealing with bodily functions changing.
Take heart. Best regards.

 

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I recently had my wife leave me. After 20 years. Mostly from my incontinence and a little cause she cheated on me. Lol I've had multiple surgeries including two shoulder surgery. Never got help. Be glad she loves you enough to help. I would suggest this. I was able to undue my diapers and shower or rinse waist down and dry with one arm. If you can do this much then maybe she can finish up with the clean part of the diapering. I know everyone is different with even the same type of surgery. But try it. Might help out. Lesson the burden. Good luck.

 

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I do everything take off wet diaper clean myself throw out wet diaper and only have her help tape me back up. Trust me I don’t want her totally having to change me diapers for me!!

 

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Good man. Doing the best you can is the best you can do.

 

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Everyone has problems. When we marry we expect to take care of each other and it doesn't turn out that way. My ex divorced me after 34 years of marriage where I had a brain tumor the size of a baseball removed from my right frontal lobe. The left side of my body is very weak. I have a lot of my medical stuff under some control now but not everything. It is a constant struggle. If I hadn't worked out in a pool all those years and rode a stationary bike I would have had a stoke. I wait for the day that I do. I asked my internist today if I break something- and get sick-just let me go. No family and living by yourself-stinks. I tore my rotator cuff years ago when I fell and it was more painful then the brain surgery. The brain surgery rehab takes over a good year or so. I came home in a wheelchair and had to learn how to walk again. The rotator cuff arms I had to go get them manipulated also because I couldn't do the exercises. My ex had to help me for 2 weeks. I was interfering with his golfing and fishing. He would leave me all week with his friend to fish. I had to do the therapy exercises 8 -10 times a day and needed someone to help me. After that I was able to do what I had to do on my own. I had so many balance problems and cognitive problems and sometimes I still do. It was in my right frontal lobe. A couple of times he tried to kill me and now I wish he would have sometimes. I am a fighting cause I don't want to hurt anymore. However I am very tired. I did the best I could, my Father was an alcoholic so I married one. Didn't know any better. He has angry management problems-life it so short why be so angry all the time. I hate doing all this stuff on my own, haven't found anyone yet. had a boyfriend for a couple of years, he was getting drunk all the time on me. he is gone. I like to play bridge and live in a small manufacture home. WE have a nice park-everyone has problems. Blessings-remember the Lord loves you and we are his children-this crap is only temporary-it is not eternal.Have lots of health issues from all the falls-no balance for many years. Blessings-If I was close I would help, big hug-hang in there.

 

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No one knows your struggles but we ALL have them!!!!!! Make sure you heal mentally as well as physically and do what you need to do to recover!! Sometimes it is about YOU getting better and you’ll have to have that uncomfortable conversation at some point to let your wife know what your feeling!! I hope the recovery is going well and you get the help you need for complete recovery!! Stay in touch with us and others you can trust to help you through this and any other struggles that come along!!

 

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well said Petejc

 

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Thanks everyone!! The shoulder is definitely getting somewhat less painful. My wife is still having to get my diaper taped up for me and a few other things button pants, belt etc. I have told her how I have been feeling and she has definitely tried, but comments here and there about being a diapering service but she really is trying to make light of our situation. She says having to help me is not making her look at me differently, like I believe she is, I suppose time will tell. Thanks everyone!