Wife incontinence
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Archives1
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Tazman. Your wife's situation sucks. I can relate. My IC started with bedwetting and daytime urgency. It progressed to nightly bedwetting and daytime leaks. The day time leaks slowly progressed in incidence and volume. I was wearing "pullups" and getting by just fine until one day i overwhelmed the pullups getting off the commuter train. I made a B-line for my car with very wet pants. Not sure if people saw me or not. Not long after it happened again in the mall food court. This time I'm certain EVERYONE saw me. My pants were soaked and I had to make this walk of shame out of the place. I had never felt lower in my life. Since then I gave in and wear tape on diapers all the time. Now when I have accidents, it's not big deal. no one can tell i'm in diapers and I never have wet pants on display. It's certainly hard to adjust to and something I'm still working to accept but I can honestly say wearing a diaper is way better than wetting your pants in front of people.
Your wife should get on boards like this one and talk directly to other people who have similar issues. She'll see she's not alone, life goes on, and we all still have full lives. Once properly managed (whether with diapers, meds, surgeries or a combo) Incon becomes nothing more than a nuisance.
Your wife should get on boards like this one and talk directly to other people who have similar issues. She'll see she's not alone, life goes on, and we all still have full lives. Once properly managed (whether with diapers, meds, surgeries or a combo) Incon becomes nothing more than a nuisance.
Archives1
Staff member
Mike, and Taz,
I think the topics actually dovetail.
Taz, your wife may not want to wear anything to "diapery", at least not right off the bat, and probably not during the day. The idea of wearing full on diapers can be traumatizing, and people new to incontinent protection are always sure that everyone can tell, even though nobody is paying attention. A thinner, pull-on product is generally a good transition.
However, at night she could use a proper product (which you really need at night) without fear of judgement. For me, the plastic backed abena level 4 products are the ideal option. Abena L4 is widely available, and based on what Mike said, perhaps the older x-plus product is available through xp-medical. Either way, the plastic backed products stretch less, and control odor better in my opinion. They do crinkle more, and they're obvious if exposed.
I think the topics actually dovetail.
Taz, your wife may not want to wear anything to "diapery", at least not right off the bat, and probably not during the day. The idea of wearing full on diapers can be traumatizing, and people new to incontinent protection are always sure that everyone can tell, even though nobody is paying attention. A thinner, pull-on product is generally a good transition.
However, at night she could use a proper product (which you really need at night) without fear of judgement. For me, the plastic backed abena level 4 products are the ideal option. Abena L4 is widely available, and based on what Mike said, perhaps the older x-plus product is available through xp-medical. Either way, the plastic backed products stretch less, and control odor better in my opinion. They do crinkle more, and they're obvious if exposed.
Archives1
Staff member
Well I went and purchased her some Depends for women at the store today and when I came home and she saw them she began to cry and said that I was treating her like a baby instead of my wife 
Needless to say she refuses to even open the undergarments .. So like I told her she will continue embarrassing herself by having accidents until she realizes she has a medical problem and she must wear protective undergarments
Needless to say she refuses to even open the undergarments .. So like I told her she will continue embarrassing herself by having accidents until she realizes she has a medical problem and she must wear protective undergarments
Archives1
Staff member
Taxman, I'm so very sorry that your wife (and you) are dealing with this very personal and frustrating issue. Please do try to get her on here. There truly is empowerment in education and misery sadly does love company. I sincerely believe that it helps knowing that you are not alone and there are some really great people on these forums that have seen and tried it all. Tons of lessons learned and great advice throughout. I'm newly struggling with this issue myself and am only 44 years old. As embarrassing as it is, it is also hugely important that she seek medical attention too. It may be a simple fix. Or there may be non-diaper options that work for her. Never know until you try. Anyhow, if she doesn't want to talk publicly, feel free to send me a private message. I would be more than happy to share my experiences directly and privately with her anytime. She is not alone and this is a safe place to begin to cope with the problem. She is lucky to have you!
Archives1
Staff member
I bet she will begin to wear undergarments now.. She along with her mother grandmother and cousins were in the kitchen preparing thanksgiving and when I entered I looked down and she was wetting her pants .. apparently she was unaware because I approached her and told her that she needed to go change her pants and about that time her mother and cousin noticed what had happen and everyone noticed her accident so needless to say after returning she told her family about her incontinence and texted me and told me that she guess she needed to wear the undergarments that I had got her
Archives1
Staff member
Although I'm sad to hear that she is still having difficulties, I'm glad to hear that she is at last acknowledging it and ready to take a step forward. Hopefully that will soon lead her to her doctor for proper evaluation and maybe here to this forum for additional support and understanding. Best wishes and Happy Thanksgiving!
Archives1
Staff member
Thank you for sharing what's going at home. It's hard to see a loved one's health get challenged.
I am wondering if your wife might be open to your coming along to her doctor's appointment. I could see that as an opportunity to address the issue at hand.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I am wondering if your wife might be open to your coming along to her doctor's appointment. I could see that as an opportunity to address the issue at hand.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Archives1
Staff member
I have to agree with these guys. If she was wetting and can't feel it, there might be a serious neurological issue at play, instead of merely bladder dysfunction. How quickly it's progressing is also cause for concern.
Does she have numbness in her inner thighs, or her instep? She could have a herniated disk, or a spinal tumor, or worse.
Does she have numbness in her inner thighs, or her instep? She could have a herniated disk, or a spinal tumor, or worse.
Archives1
Staff member
I guess my wife will be stuck wearing diapers the rest of her life
She left today to do some Christmas shopping with her friends and she called me after being gone for 4 hours telling me that she needed me to come pick her up because she had wet herself at the mall . I ask her why she didn't wear the diaper, she advised me that she didn't because she was gonna be trying on clothes In dressing rooms with her friends and didn't want them to know. Well okay now they know for sure since you had an accident in front of them at the mall SMH
She left today to do some Christmas shopping with her friends and she called me after being gone for 4 hours telling me that she needed me to come pick her up because she had wet herself at the mall . I ask her why she didn't wear the diaper, she advised me that she didn't because she was gonna be trying on clothes In dressing rooms with her friends and didn't want them to know. Well okay now they know for sure since you had an accident in front of them at the mall SMH
Archives1
Staff member
Hi tazman77,
It sounds like you are in a tough situation: you see your wife having issues, you see her not dealing well with them, so you want to do the right thing and help her. But sometimes our loved ones aren't ready to accept help. Especially when the situation involves feelings of embarrassment or shame, things get complicated.
I'd like to suggest that you focus on supporting her emotionally, instead of telling her what to do. In a time like this, when her body doesn't obey her any more, and when she goes through experiences that are difficult to deal with, she may need a partner who is loving and supportive first and foremost. She may probably need you to tell her that you will love and support her no matter what happens, and that she can count on you in the long run, and that you will help her in any way when she is ready to ask for help from you.
Just my $0.02. I hope it helps.
Best,
M
It sounds like you are in a tough situation: you see your wife having issues, you see her not dealing well with them, so you want to do the right thing and help her. But sometimes our loved ones aren't ready to accept help. Especially when the situation involves feelings of embarrassment or shame, things get complicated.
I'd like to suggest that you focus on supporting her emotionally, instead of telling her what to do. In a time like this, when her body doesn't obey her any more, and when she goes through experiences that are difficult to deal with, she may need a partner who is loving and supportive first and foremost. She may probably need you to tell her that you will love and support her no matter what happens, and that she can count on you in the long run, and that you will help her in any way when she is ready to ask for help from you.
Just my $0.02. I hope it helps.
Best,
M
Archives1
Staff member
well, just from the way you post here you DO seem to have this "see I told you so" way of looking at it every time she has an accident. I now you probably don't mean it but for instance you wrote:
"... I ask her why she didn't wear the diaper, she advised me that she didn't because she was gonna be trying on clothes In dressing rooms with her friends and didn't want them to know. Well okay now they know for sure since you had an accident in front of them at the mall SMH"
If you speak to her this way or imply that, it's not going to help. Until/unless you ever have to deal with this, you really have no idea how difficult it can be to deal with. Having to wear diapers as an adult is intensely emotionally difficult.
I totally get being frustrated but I think you need to be a bit more sympathetic with her and stop trying to convince her to wear diapers. I think she needs to come to the realization that a diaper is a worthwhile and effective management tool but without her husband constantly badgering her into them.
Honestly, it should be your wife posting on here. She needs to hear from other real incontinent diaper wearers. People like me could explain to her how a 35 year old dude came to decide that it was time for diapers. Others on here can explain how difficult of a transition that really is. She might find people she can relate to.
As a man, I get your approach. We solve problems, we don't sympathize. It's what drives women mad about us. Sometimes they just want someone to understand their problem and not just stick the obvious solution in their face. As men we suck at that. If my wife complains she had a bad day at work due to a coworker she really wants me to sympathize and "understand" how she feels, not explain to her what she can easily do to fix the problem. Similarly, your wife is probably sick of you offering the diaper solution when what she needs is to relate to other people who suffer the same way. Then, maybe, she'll come to the diaper conclusion on her own.
"... I ask her why she didn't wear the diaper, she advised me that she didn't because she was gonna be trying on clothes In dressing rooms with her friends and didn't want them to know. Well okay now they know for sure since you had an accident in front of them at the mall SMH"
If you speak to her this way or imply that, it's not going to help. Until/unless you ever have to deal with this, you really have no idea how difficult it can be to deal with. Having to wear diapers as an adult is intensely emotionally difficult.
I totally get being frustrated but I think you need to be a bit more sympathetic with her and stop trying to convince her to wear diapers. I think she needs to come to the realization that a diaper is a worthwhile and effective management tool but without her husband constantly badgering her into them.
Honestly, it should be your wife posting on here. She needs to hear from other real incontinent diaper wearers. People like me could explain to her how a 35 year old dude came to decide that it was time for diapers. Others on here can explain how difficult of a transition that really is. She might find people she can relate to.
As a man, I get your approach. We solve problems, we don't sympathize. It's what drives women mad about us. Sometimes they just want someone to understand their problem and not just stick the obvious solution in their face. As men we suck at that. If my wife complains she had a bad day at work due to a coworker she really wants me to sympathize and "understand" how she feels, not explain to her what she can easily do to fix the problem. Similarly, your wife is probably sick of you offering the diaper solution when what she needs is to relate to other people who suffer the same way. Then, maybe, she'll come to the diaper conclusion on her own.
Archives1
Staff member
For what it's worth, it took me 2 public accidents to decide on diapers. I don't know how many times she wants to wet herself in front of everyone before she figures that out but I do find her level of denial to be kind of odd. No one can tell you're wearing protection, but everyone can clearly see if your pants are soaked.
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