sex and incontinence
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I was married Snow. Twice. They were not who they appeared to be. Broken trust did not prepare me to date and the injury and subsequent incontinence put me in the spot you share, if I can barely tolerate myself I can't feel tolerable to others.
I'm grateful I lived an exciting varied life and did all the stuff people say they regret they did not do when they were younger.
I'm grateful I lived an exciting varied life and did all the stuff people say they regret they did not do when they were younger.
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@Maymay941 Me too! I’m so glad I had as exciting of a life as anyone has, between working with top musicians and directors on music videos in Hollywood and all the glam that goes with that, and my athletic wilderness adventures. I’d been in 41 states and 14 countries by age 35. I’d been on top of most of the tallest mountain peaks in the contiguous U.S. and one in Alaska. I dated amazing men and was married to an almost-good-enough guy. My wedding, if not my marriage, was epic! I’ve had so much fun and fortunately had a strong premonition/restlessness that I needed to get on with “bucket list” items as soon as I could drive. Whew! Now it’s time to accept settling down.
I’m sorry your marriages didn’t work out. Do you mind my asking, who do you live with now, as you’ve spoken of being accepted as incontinent in a household?
I’m sorry your marriages didn’t work out. Do you mind my asking, who do you live with now, as you’ve spoken of being accepted as incontinent in a household?
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Snow, I think the day will come when you will get the snuggling, hugging and just being supported that you crave. And along with that will come genuine, lasting love. Lord knows, you deserve it! You've just got to believe in yourself and do what you can to make it come about.
I'm glad you are starting a new project and that will do you a world of good. Producing documentaries sounds really meaningful and many people will most likely see and enjoy them. If your name is on it, I know it will be a great project! I think you are really good at doing that and that just proves you have so much to offer. I know I've told you this before but it's time to just go for the brass ring!
Do by all means pursue your dreams to the fullest! And let's just say that if a potential male partner comes along in that time then you just might be pleasantly surprised. Don't ever exclude that possibility, and think it won't happen. It's funny though, when you actively seek a partner none comes along. But when you're not actively looking then watch out! That's when someone will catch you eye and the rest, as they say, is history!
And I, too, am worried about you. My heart doesn't lie. You are a good friend to us and we're here and we want to help in any way we can.
I'm glad you are starting a new project and that will do you a world of good. Producing documentaries sounds really meaningful and many people will most likely see and enjoy them. If your name is on it, I know it will be a great project! I think you are really good at doing that and that just proves you have so much to offer. I know I've told you this before but it's time to just go for the brass ring!
Do by all means pursue your dreams to the fullest! And let's just say that if a potential male partner comes along in that time then you just might be pleasantly surprised. Don't ever exclude that possibility, and think it won't happen. It's funny though, when you actively seek a partner none comes along. But when you're not actively looking then watch out! That's when someone will catch you eye and the rest, as they say, is history!
And I, too, am worried about you. My heart doesn't lie. You are a good friend to us and we're here and we want to help in any way we can.
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@AlasSouth Thank you! You always make me laugh with your jokes-in-text! I haven’t heard of Utah Phillips - I’ll have to check him out!
Yes, this is a very divided state, primarily over religion and ensuing politics. Mormons rule this land - no offense to them; quite simply: they settled this godforsaken desert after decades of grueling rejection and labor throughout/across the rest of the country, so this land *is* theirs. They continue to win by eagerly overpopulating the state and the planet, and by sending missionaries across the globe. I’m surprised they’re not on Mars yet.
We’ve never had a non-Mormon Governor nor Senator. Democrats don’t even bother campaigning here. I have no idea why the VP debate is here on Wednesday because there is no debate locally: conservatives *always* win. If that’s your schtick, you’d love it here; very few to argue with. Peace across the land.
Back to the VP debate: we have one of the highest rates of COVID in the country right now; positive testing is up to 14% and we’re breaking local records every day and week. So why is the debate happening here, of all places (or, at all)? Kamala has been here for a few days already. Maybe she’s prepping her lungs in advance, at the 5,000-ft. elevation, like Olympians do to gain advantage before competitions. I hope nobody here for the debate catches The ‘Rona here in The Land of Mask-holes.
Anyway, the non-LDS are absolutely the very-harassed and excluded minority in this, the 14th-largest state. It’s gross how rejecting and bullying Utah Mormons are to people who aren’t identical to them. *That’s* the part that bothers me: the way they blanketly look down on, and judge, all non-Mormons. If you moved here as a conservative Catholic you might think you’d be welcomed amongst the conservative population, but you wouldn’t be, unless you’re Mormon. Verrrrry weird.
There *is* some comic relief around, like a radio station morning program with “Utah Word of the Day.” For instance, Utards pronounce President Clinton like “Clitttt-unnnnnnnnn,” with a very succinct stress on the second syllable. Or for sure, as “furrrshurrrr.” And even Mormon humor, though very mild, has its own unique charm and makes me smile. Reminds me of my paternal grandmother.
As for moving back to CA, it’s not currently possible as I care for my parents (and their big house) on each of three 16-hour days. I moved back here for them (and for snow). Both of my parents were simultaneously in ICU for several weeks in 2019 (for totally different reasons!; what are the odds?!!!) then hospitalized for months, then in rehab for months. My dad has had two partial-amputation surgeries in the past year. I’m not going to abandon them already. I don’t care for them to please them; I care for them to please myself. I can’t live with myself if I don’t do it. Overall they’ve been very good parents and I’m glad to help them. They helped me after the cliff fall and through the two cancers, and all the surgeries.
By the time I anticipate I’d feel free to return to CA, I likely won’t be able to afford it and I’ll have lost a lot of my connections, try as much as I can not to. I already can’t afford to go back! Furthermore, diapers and traffic jams don’t mix! And there’s no law in CA like there is in UT, that public businesses have to provide access to a public bathroom. The few public bathrooms that are available at certain gas stations in L.A. are filthy! Public restrooms, like most of life in UT, are fairly immaculate and have toilet paper.
No place is perfect.
But I am sad about L.A., because I spent a lot of money, time, and energy earning my B.A., MFA, and post-grad degrees in film production, and that job is incontestably best accomplished in L.A. It’s the Mount Everest of filmmaking and any other place - even NYC - is like a 300-foot-tall hill in comparison.
But I *am* beginning production on a documentary right now, so we’ll see how it goes, trying to do that in Utard. This state’s Film Commission is a good one to have as a willing ally.
It’s unusual to 1) have such a strong passion for a career, and 2) have one place on the planet where that career is nearly exclusively accomplished. Most jobs aren’t like that, and most people don’t really care what their job is. I do; I obviously care passionately about filmmaking.
I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the dirt and rocks of CA the most of any place I’ve ever been! The eastern Sierras, where I also lived for two years, are my favorite place, spiritually, on the planet. I know I’ll visit in most years. Maybe sometime I can live there again.
I’ll keep ‘ya posted
RE: changing therapists, I currently have the best social worker of my life. My favorite psychiatrist retired so I’m trying a new one. Group therapy (on Zoom) helps some. Some of us just weren’t born with the same positivity as others. I’ve been told I’m an “old soul” for as long as I can remember being alive.
Don’t worry: it’s likely I’ll keep trying at positivity, because statistically, I so far have! I know others here on the forum have suffered far worse things than I have, like our poor friend @justj. Depression is to be expected with what some of us survive.
Thank you everyone, for hearing me!
Boy; this has been a busy 24 hours on the forum!
Let’s get back to talking about sex!
Yes, this is a very divided state, primarily over religion and ensuing politics. Mormons rule this land - no offense to them; quite simply: they settled this godforsaken desert after decades of grueling rejection and labor throughout/across the rest of the country, so this land *is* theirs. They continue to win by eagerly overpopulating the state and the planet, and by sending missionaries across the globe. I’m surprised they’re not on Mars yet.
We’ve never had a non-Mormon Governor nor Senator. Democrats don’t even bother campaigning here. I have no idea why the VP debate is here on Wednesday because there is no debate locally: conservatives *always* win. If that’s your schtick, you’d love it here; very few to argue with. Peace across the land.
Back to the VP debate: we have one of the highest rates of COVID in the country right now; positive testing is up to 14% and we’re breaking local records every day and week. So why is the debate happening here, of all places (or, at all)? Kamala has been here for a few days already. Maybe she’s prepping her lungs in advance, at the 5,000-ft. elevation, like Olympians do to gain advantage before competitions. I hope nobody here for the debate catches The ‘Rona here in The Land of Mask-holes.
Anyway, the non-LDS are absolutely the very-harassed and excluded minority in this, the 14th-largest state. It’s gross how rejecting and bullying Utah Mormons are to people who aren’t identical to them. *That’s* the part that bothers me: the way they blanketly look down on, and judge, all non-Mormons. If you moved here as a conservative Catholic you might think you’d be welcomed amongst the conservative population, but you wouldn’t be, unless you’re Mormon. Verrrrry weird.
There *is* some comic relief around, like a radio station morning program with “Utah Word of the Day.” For instance, Utards pronounce President Clinton like “Clitttt-unnnnnnnnn,” with a very succinct stress on the second syllable. Or for sure, as “furrrshurrrr.” And even Mormon humor, though very mild, has its own unique charm and makes me smile. Reminds me of my paternal grandmother.
As for moving back to CA, it’s not currently possible as I care for my parents (and their big house) on each of three 16-hour days. I moved back here for them (and for snow). Both of my parents were simultaneously in ICU for several weeks in 2019 (for totally different reasons!; what are the odds?!!!) then hospitalized for months, then in rehab for months. My dad has had two partial-amputation surgeries in the past year. I’m not going to abandon them already. I don’t care for them to please them; I care for them to please myself. I can’t live with myself if I don’t do it. Overall they’ve been very good parents and I’m glad to help them. They helped me after the cliff fall and through the two cancers, and all the surgeries.
By the time I anticipate I’d feel free to return to CA, I likely won’t be able to afford it and I’ll have lost a lot of my connections, try as much as I can not to. I already can’t afford to go back! Furthermore, diapers and traffic jams don’t mix! And there’s no law in CA like there is in UT, that public businesses have to provide access to a public bathroom. The few public bathrooms that are available at certain gas stations in L.A. are filthy! Public restrooms, like most of life in UT, are fairly immaculate and have toilet paper.
No place is perfect.
But I am sad about L.A., because I spent a lot of money, time, and energy earning my B.A., MFA, and post-grad degrees in film production, and that job is incontestably best accomplished in L.A. It’s the Mount Everest of filmmaking and any other place - even NYC - is like a 300-foot-tall hill in comparison.
But I *am* beginning production on a documentary right now, so we’ll see how it goes, trying to do that in Utard. This state’s Film Commission is a good one to have as a willing ally.
It’s unusual to 1) have such a strong passion for a career, and 2) have one place on the planet where that career is nearly exclusively accomplished. Most jobs aren’t like that, and most people don’t really care what their job is. I do; I obviously care passionately about filmmaking.
I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the dirt and rocks of CA the most of any place I’ve ever been! The eastern Sierras, where I also lived for two years, are my favorite place, spiritually, on the planet. I know I’ll visit in most years. Maybe sometime I can live there again.
I’ll keep ‘ya posted
RE: changing therapists, I currently have the best social worker of my life. My favorite psychiatrist retired
so I’m trying a new one. Group therapy (on Zoom) helps some. Some of us just weren’t born with the same positivity as others. I’ve been told I’m an “old soul” for as long as I can remember being alive. Don’t worry: it’s likely I’ll keep trying at positivity, because statistically, I so far have! I know others here on the forum have suffered far worse things than I have, like our poor friend @justj. Depression is to be expected with what some of us survive.
Thank you everyone, for hearing me!
Boy; this has been a busy 24 hours on the forum!
Let’s get back to talking about sex!
Archives1
Staff member
I'm a 49 yo guy that's on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) we have a decent sex life (average 2-3 times a week). Typically I'll just whip it out the side of the brief or in the shower.
If I take Oxybuyntin like I'm suppose to (30mg daily) it ruins my ability to get or stay hard so typically I don't take it (I'll take Tadalafil if we're going to be intimate and I'm on Oxybuyntin).
If I take Oxybuyntin like I'm suppose to (30mg daily) it ruins my ability to get or stay hard so typically I don't take it (I'll take Tadalafil if we're going to be intimate and I'm on Oxybuyntin).
Archives1
Staff member
Hi Snow, glad you told us a bit about where you're coming from and where you're going. You have a lot of insights and lessons to offer us and you have been through so much. It shows you're tough and you're a survivor. Sounds like your big passion now is your documentary project and Utard may be a good place for that. I know you will give it your very best effort and we're with you all the way!
I thought your take on living in Utah was the most interesting thing I've ever read about Utah and admittedly I don't know all that much about it so it was a learning experience for me. In fact I've never even been to Utard so I don't know all that much about it other than there are some every awesome national parks and mountains there.
I didn't know that Utah never had a non-Mormon governor or U.S. Senator! Totally surprised me. It sounds like it's a very closed society and I would feel like a total and permanent stranger if I ever came there! I think to me Utah sounds just a liiiiiiiitle too conservative (and too red) for my likes, however. So I would definitely be in that minority! And Mormons have humor? That surprised me too! The Utah word of the day is also something new to me.
I do know that Mormons send missionaries all over the world but as you say, they will be on Mars before too long. But first don't you think they have to populate the moon first? That would be the logical next step.
Well it's getting late and I need to quit when I'm ahead and while I can at least still make some effort to type!
I thought your take on living in Utah was the most interesting thing I've ever read about Utah and admittedly I don't know all that much about it so it was a learning experience for me. In fact I've never even been to Utard so I don't know all that much about it other than there are some every awesome national parks and mountains there.
I didn't know that Utah never had a non-Mormon governor or U.S. Senator! Totally surprised me. It sounds like it's a very closed society and I would feel like a total and permanent stranger if I ever came there! I think to me Utah sounds just a liiiiiiiitle too conservative (and too red) for my likes, however. So I would definitely be in that minority! And Mormons have humor? That surprised me too!
The Utah word of the day is also something new to me.I do know that Mormons send missionaries all over the world but as you say, they will be on Mars before too long. But first don't you think they have to populate the moon first? That would be the logical next step.
Well it's getting late and I need to quit when I'm ahead and while I can at least still make some effort to type!
Archives1
Staff member
snow said:
It’s funny that I came across this reply of yours saying that you will be alone and will no longer be able to do the things you enjoy. I am a male who just divorced 3 years ago and I was planning on making a post about finding ways to meet an incontinent woman because then all of those things you mentioned would not be an issue at all. So you both go rock climbing and pee your pants....who cares? You have sex and pee the bed..who cares? I have actually gotten to the point where I am comfortable with myself having an overactive bladder and being a bedwetter. I am just now trying online dating and if I get to the second date with someone I tell them about needing to wear diapers at night and pull-ups in the day. If they can’t deal with it they are not right for me. I am happy but yes it is lonely. I have been trying the dating sites like match.com but i think most of us who are incontinent just don’t want to deal with the dating thing so meeting someone who has similar issues is slim. You just hope to meet someone who doesn’t mind it. It sure would be awesome to have an incontinence dating site wouldn’t it?
Archives1
Staff member
Hi @Tiger61, Boy did you ever hit a responsive chord with me! I like your attitude re meeting incontinent women. That is so right! Like when you said you two go rock climbing and pee your pants, so who cares? And you have sex and pee in bed so who cares? That's exactly the way I see it! After all we're not dealing with nuclear waste here!
I've always said here and in other places that incontinence doesn't define the person. What defines the person is how she acts and how she carries herself, etc., not what she wears underneath out of sight. But incontinence is a part of the person, that's undeniable, but to me it isn't a deal breaker. So dig this: how about you're engaged to somebody you believe (and she believes) is divorced but she later found out that her husband never filed for divorce although he said he would. She found out, never got up the courage to tell her fiancé. Fiancé found out through third party his fiancée was still legally married. Unbelievable right! But it did happen to me! Deal breaker for sure!
So who would you rather have? Someone who is honest, loving, caring, supportive and has bladder control issues or someone who willfully hides important information from you?
I too, have an overactive bladder and urge incontinence but I'm comfortable with how I deal with it. I won't make any apologies for it because there are none that need to be made!
I've always said here and in other places that incontinence doesn't define the person. What defines the person is how she acts and how she carries herself, etc., not what she wears underneath out of sight. But incontinence is a part of the person, that's undeniable, but to me it isn't a deal breaker. So dig this: how about you're engaged to somebody you believe (and she believes) is divorced but she later found out that her husband never filed for divorce although he said he would. She found out, never got up the courage to tell her fiancé. Fiancé found out through third party his fiancée was still legally married. Unbelievable right! But it did happen to me! Deal breaker for sure!
So who would you rather have? Someone who is honest, loving, caring, supportive and has bladder control issues or someone who willfully hides important information from you?
I too, have an overactive bladder and urge incontinence but I'm comfortable with how I deal with it. I won't make any apologies for it because there are none that need to be made!
Archives1
Staff member
I’m more fond of the making love aspect rather than just sex. The touching, caressing and intimacy is more like a Mercedes rather than a old Ford pinto. I don’t think twice about a squirt, leak or accident. That’s what a mattress protector or towel is for. That close bond is what is important. Of course few orgasms are nice too but that’s not what it’s all about all the time. Just my humble opinion.
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Match.com
If you limit your options solely to individuals with the same condition, you're eliminating a lot of eligible and fine singles from your pool of potential matches. Just because someone is not incontinent, does not mean they won't understand. Truth is, they likely have something about them that makes them imperfect for a lot of people also and it would be a shame if such a person would only consider someone else with the same trait.
If you limit your options solely to individuals with the same condition, you're eliminating a lot of eligible and fine singles from your pool of potential matches. Just because someone is not incontinent, does not mean they won't understand. Truth is, they likely have something about them that makes them imperfect for a lot of people also and it would be a shame if such a person would only consider someone else with the same trait.
Archives1
Staff member
Hi @paace. I think that is something very worthwhile considering! You have put this very well indeed! In other words do not limit your options and that makes a lot of sense! Thank you for opening my eyes to that! Someone who would be imperfect for someone else would be perfect for me!
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I have had this condition since i was a young man in my early 20s. It did indeed effect my sex life as it damaged my confidence not only in sex but in all aspects. I believe I have had it mastered for a good while now. I keep everything cleaned up and am prepared. Usually sex happens here at my home where I can shower up before. I dont ever mention my issues (any issues for that matter) unless she brings it up. Some do notice but dont ever say anything. Some ask why and I give them a quick story and try to put some humor in it. A few cant handle it but I have found most dont make an issue out it as long as I dont and dont get emotional about it myself (I try not to get emotional about anything I have found they dont find it attractive). It doesnt always happen here, last weekend I was at a womens house and it still went fine evedently. The next morning I had to go outside and find my clothes out on her back deck. I do my best not to get attatched to the ladies and usually am dating a few. I have a new one coming here tomorrow evening (never do daytime first dates, if they come over when the sun is going down then it is extremely likely for sex to happen). Usually after sex I wait until she is dosing off and put on what I need so I dont wet the bed. I have had a few that like it in the morning and It went good, but I am self conscience about it. I have only had 2 that I know of that have some slight incontinence issues themselves, It wasnt ever an issue either and I would have never known about it if we wasnt in a sexual relationship. Very little was said about it in those cases either. I try to keep the experience they have with me fun and light hearted. Please people, do not let these issues keep you from having these experiences in your life if you can help it. Im not saying my lifestyle is for everyone, but it has worked for me.
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There are more than a few dating venues for people with disability - even specific conditions are listed.
If incontinence is considered a disability (it certainly is a condition), wouldn't it follow that there could or should be at least one incontinence dating site ?? Could it accomplish what some here seek ?
Them's my thoughts.
Andy
If incontinence is considered a disability (it certainly is a condition), wouldn't it follow that there could or should be at least one incontinence dating site ?? Could it accomplish what some here seek ?
Them's my thoughts.
Andy
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I absolutely consider incontinence a disability, and so do my doctors. I have other serious disabilities, like scoliosis and debilitating depression, but incontinence is by far the worst mind f*ck of all of it! It’s the one condition the general public can ascertain by just looking at me - or worse, by smelling me! It’s easily the most humiliating and daunting disability.
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