My incontinence began two weeks after my ex-husband and I separated. There are many reasons I wish we could have stayed together; one of them is so I’d have already had a partner when it happened. Starting a new relationship while incontinent is some kind of hell on earth, alright.
Since I’ve been incontinent (five years now) I’ve only dated one person for a couple of months, earlier this year. I basically could never sleep when I was with the guy, because I didn’t want him to see my diaper. I had to make sure I was awake after he was asleep, and before he woke up. It was a total drag. The sex was entirely unsatisfying because all I could think about was how I wasn’t going to get any sleep afterward. None of that dating was worth the fatigue nor the destructive shame I felt about my body.
I‘ll be brutally honest: I don’t think I’d be aroused by a NEW partner who was 1) incontinent, 2) in diapers, or especially 3) a bed wetter like myself. So I’m completely disgusted with my own self, diapers, and bedwetting to the extent that I have ZERO arousal. Notice I say NEW partner. I can think of three ex boyfriends / husband who it wouldn’t have bothered me with, if they became incontinent DURING our relationship. But for a new partner, no, it grosses me out. I know that’s especially rude given my own incontinence, but that’s how I feel. Who can fall asleep knowing the person next to them may piss on them in the middle of the night? Not me.
Having had reproductive cancer and a hysterectomy (which removes parts that nobody talks about, too - think: upper half of vagina - yes, really) didn’t help. Antidepressants also cancel sex drive.
So I don’t go there in my mind. When I’ve bothered to try, I’m so repulsed that I can’t tolerate the thoughts. It’s much better to avoid the revulsion.
I used to love sex and had a very active sex life from age 17-39.
Now orgasmic sensations just remind me of bladder spasms, and flexing the pelvic floor muscle just reminds me of holding in pee and doing Kegels. There are so many reasons sex is over for me.
As for living alone, I hate it, especially during COVID. No hugs even from friends... not that I have many of those here in Utard. I haven’t lived here for long as an adult; I’ve lived in Chicago, SF, NY, and California primarily. The social isolation I experience in ultra-conservative Utard is
Soooooo. Heavyyyyyy.
I never should have moved back here. I’m not a proponent of regret but leaving CA was the worst mistake of my life and I’ll always regret it. I had such an extensive, established family of my choosing there. Even though I’m in the midst of it, I still can hardly believe that the kind of social isolation I feel, exists. I have my parents, a cousin, my cat, and a scant few acquaintances. But I’m an extrovert! It’s excruciating. I was inches away from killing myself twice in 2018. I think about suicide most days. Yes, I see a social worker, a psychiatrist, and I do group therapy. It’s not enough. I’m unbelievably far from content. Forget happy; now I only strive to feel some measure of “content.”
Feeling this kind of depression is it’s own sex revulsion. I feel like I’m paralyzed and trapped in the deep end of a pool of concrete.
I miss almost everything about having a partner. Prior to being married, I always had a boyfriend, usually one I lived with. I’m so sick of living life without being held, without someone to share life with, like today when I tried “Pumpkin-Seed Gouda” and “Oat Milk.” Unfortunately to get that kind of intimacy (i.e. snuggling in bed), one also has to put out sexually, which I have no interest in any more. Sex for me ended when I was 39. I don’t believe in “never,” but it’s unlikely I’ll be willing to expose myself to being physically vulnerable with another human ever again.
You should see my nightmares. Actually I wouldn’t want to terrorize someone else with them. Almost every night I dream that someone *almost* likes me, but I never end up being quite enough. After five years of these night terrors - hell, even after just five nights of them! - my sleeping brain has convinced my waking brain that I’ll never be good enough for anyone (or does my waking brain convince my sleeping brain?). These nightmares are yet another reason I dread bedtime, on top of bedwetting terror.
As for ED, most men over age 30 have it - like, 95% - so guys, truly, if it’s a problem you experience, know that you’re as “normal” as it gets. No, it’s not the most pleasurable sensation for a woman to experience but I guess when I used to have sex, I felt ED was better than nothing. The biggest way ED is a problem for women is that it’s extremely difficult not to take it personally as a sign that you’re not attractive enough - even though we all know ED is “normal.“ For me it always triggers a revulsion thought pattern of, “Wow, how much porn have YOU been watching, that you don’t have anything left for a REAL woman?” or, “Wow, how much porn have you been watching that you can no longer be turned on by a real woman?”
I hate the rampant free online porn in our society. It’s sickening, frustrating, and depressing that it’s a part of the conversation in modern times. MOST of my female friends agree it’s a huge turn-OFF to know you’re being compared to all those women. ALL of my female friends agree with me that men, especially under age 40, no longer know how to make love, because they grew up with porno jack-rabbit sex. So older men who grew up having REAL sex, rest-assured, you actually have an advantage over the young guys these days.
When I used to have sex, I always had a towel nearby or under the bed, for fluid clean-up afterward. I’ve never had a urine accident during sex, but then again, I’ve scarcely had sex since I’ve been incontinent.
I used to volunteer at Planned Parenthood and the Utah AIDS Foundation, teaching women about healthy sex and how to avoid STDs and STIs. Most women feel a natural need to urinate bedore sex. All women feel a natural need to urinate post-coitus because doing so naturally flushes off fluids and bacteria that might otherwise cause a UTI. Urine is a good sterilizer. So we taught women to embrace this instinct to pee after sex. It can also be a natural component of birth control: jump up quickly to pee and sperm has a harder time staying inside.
So, that’s what I have to say about sex. I envy those of you with longterm partners. As someone ?AlasSouth? said to me,
“Sex, what’s that?”
That'd be a lo-o-o-o-o-ng trip! 