Incontinence, Dating and Intimacy

[Archives1]

So there have a been a few people here who have asked why we don’t have a topic on this and they are right, it’s overdue.

Most of the regular people here, me included, have incontinence issues of some type or they are looking for coping tips.

For what it’s worth, don’t give up on life or love. There are some truly wonderful and loving people out there. Don’t let having to wear a pad, diaper or Catheter discourage you from being your best you!

Please use this topic to post or ask questions on the topic. When we help each other we all become better in life

 

[Archives1]

This topic has been addressed, here, but almost always under a different title or issue, or in addition to another issue. I'm not good at search terms, but this is one we need out here in the open. Thanks, jr.

 

[Archives1]

Alright, jrpoorman, so why don't we have a section on dating, intimacy and incontinence???:O I think it would be worthwhile. I pretty much don't date anymore (no one to date)and that's not pandemic withstanding. At first blush reading this topic I would say when the time gets ripe to tell your soon-to-be significant other about your issues, just pick an appropriate time and do the "there's something I need to tell you..." spiel. They would likely appreciate your honesty. They may even open up to you about their own issues. And if not, then it's better for you to know it right then and there, rather than be led on. If that were to happen I'd rather find out now and not later. Anyway, that's my two cents' worth.

 

[Archives1]

thanks for posting. Will post here tomorrow, have to work in morning so have to get some sleep tonight. Have a great night all

 

[Archives1]

It's been nearly 2 years since I divorced after I think 18 or 19 years maybe more. It's so so easy for me to say the same old thing of , "if they love you, it wont matter" and it's TRUE, but damn it's hard to actually put it to a real life practice! It's tough!

 

[Archives1]

Hi Steven,
So true. Guess sometimes we worry so much with anxiety about what will they think if we are honest and say if we have to wear something to keep our pants dry because we have an accident or leak now and then.

Truth is, most folks I have met in 50 years just want their other half to be honest and genuine. They don’t want someone to bs them, but rather just speak from the heart and be open about what they are thinking about or what’s going on or causing them stress or happiness.

I self sabotaged so many relationships when I was a kid when things would start getting to serious because of bladder issues or not spend the night at anyone’s house but my own.

That very thing I was so worried about for so long, having to let the person I really liked or loved know I had to wear protection to prevent issues. They understood and it didn’t bother them. Or they had a minor question or two and that was about it.

Fast forward to now, there are adult absorbent product commercials on all the time. Products are much better than before and it’s easier to go out for a few hours and not worry. What a blessing for us, and the people we are with, or the people we have yet to meet.

I’m sure some people just want a hookup, others are happy having a healthy, lasting and loving relationship.

If you have to explain why you need to wear a pull-up, just do it like, well I leak or have an accident sometimes, they help me stay dry. Easy an honest answer without the stress we create in our mind added to it.

 

[Archives1]

I have a fool proof way that has always worked. I'd first go out on a date and if there was any chemistry then I'd tell her on the phone about my issues and hang up. That way she had time to process what I just shared and if she called back it wasn't/wouldn't be an issue.

People see us as we see ourselves and it's important to be confident (so important when dealing with incon) and I always tried to make jokes about my situation. If we joke about it so will they and it's a great way of saying things that otherwise might tough to say.

Next is stay on top of hygiene!!!! Shower twice a day and keep everything super clean (so important), change on a schedule so that if/when intimacy happens it makes the experience better for both.

In general use common sense and always have good communication with your partner.

 

[Archives1]

So far in reading the posts it seems that the way significant others-to-be respond to our explanations is a lot less troubling than we anticipate them to be. In simpler language, explaining your situation "wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." Seeing as how we date mature adults like ourselves most of the responses show understanding and acceptance. I think Jrpoorman hit it right on the head when he said "they just want their other half to be honest and genuine. They don't want someone to b.s. them...." After all we are not kids in our teens and 20s anymore.
Making light of your situation as CES97 mentioned, also works. When I seek a significant other, a sense of humor is a must!

 

[Archives1]

Hi, jrpoorman and Steven: I'm in my 70s, and the attitude in the grocery stores has changed completely. There is an aisle, now, labeled "incontenience", the packaging says men or women, the clerks are matter of fact (it's their orders, but I've seen no sign they are surprised or whatever - they're just trying to get you checked out and deal with the next customer. The clerks hee know me & the family, some by name. They're cool.
Same for women's product for their periods, and those products (pads only) work for men.
I'm not sure when the products went on-line, but I used to have to deal with CVS by internet, buy over $50 to get free shipping, and not that many years ago (maybe 10? But they had them before that, probably. They ship in unmarked boxes.)
Our stores like Kroger/Fred Meyers/Wal-Mart are smaller, sell less alternatives & varieties & Brands. I'm not driving 180 miles to the next big city at 24 MPH. Gas is more expensive, here, too.
At first, I had to deal with CVS by phone - I've no idea why the "cart" didn't work for those products and didn't tell you they were out-of-stock. They could tell you that by phone - 800 number. Now I can get most at the local grocery. Don't forget the specialized products like Northshore (i think they are only internet.
Stay safe!

 

[Archives1]

I think most checkout people these days could care less what their customers are buying. They stand at the cash register and see hundreds of people day after day, take their money, bag the items and send the customer on his merry way. The one thing on most of the checkout people's mind is "will five o'clock ever get here?" I really doubt that they say, "Hmmm, Joe Blow bought a package of adult diapers today. With all of the customers passing through during the day they probably won't even remember any one individual and his purchases.

 

[Archives1]

When I was dating the woman who's now my wife, I told her about my various medical issues. Sure was more concerned about my other medical problems than she was about my incontinence. It simply hasn't ever been an issue for her, although it's taken me a long time to be comfortable even talking about it with her.

There's so much that goes into a good relationship that incontinence hardly makes it onto the list. If someone won't date you because your incontinent, then it's probably save you a lot of time and heartbreak of having to find out later that they're really not that into you.

 

[Archives1]

The only change, lately, is regular customers come in less often, buy more on each trip, and in the AM before 9, it is seniors only. Less tourists. Oh, yes. And some of their customers wear facemasks and aren't there to rob them....

 

[Archives1]

Thank you all for the advice! I've actually never dated anyone so I've always been scared about doing it and also tell them of my incontinence.

 

[Archives1]

My issues started a few years after getting married and my wife has been nothing but supportive.....I can only imagine the anxiety this would cause in dating, but I'd say the reality is that it's a good litmus test to figure out if the person is right for you or not. Someone who can't accept your medical issue will make a terrible life partner anyway so while rejection hurts you're just dodging a bullet anyway.

 

[Archives1]

MikeJames, I couldn't have said it better myself! It's better to know it sooner rather than later.
And 23, please know that dating, even for someone with no issues, can be, well, let's just say can cause anxiety. It's normal!So you are definitely not alone. That potential significant other is looking for someone honest and someone who is herself and presents an attractive persona. Calling up some creativity in suggesting a place or activity for that first date will also set you apart (in a good way of course!) As for telling someone about your issues, there have been plenty of posts here in the past several days about how to go about that. And there have also been plenty of people who have even worse issues than what's found here who have dated, had relationships and married.

 

[Archives1]

@billliveshere I think I might try to joke about it since I am kind of sillyThank you for the advice!

 

[Archives1]

Hi 23, I do like silly! And joking about it will be a great way to break the ice with someone. After all, incontinence isn't the end of the world and these days people are finding there's less shame in admitting it. You may know Sarah Silverman's book, "Bedwetter." People aren't shunning her because of incontinence. After all, that book was on the best-seller list for quite a long time. I guess you can see what I'm saying. And since you seem to enjoy fun things do try to come up with creative dates for someone. In fact that may make a good topic for this forum. Finding out creative places and things to do on a date. What do you think?

 

[Archives1]

just don’t hop in a pool with depends on. It will make you look like your bottom half swallowed a life jacket.

 

[Archives1]

@billliveshere that sounds like an awesome idea! I have like zero experiences so maybe you can start it? I'll try to back you up

 

[Archives1]

Good evening Jrpoorman and 23, you're referring to that cartoon. I don't remember where it was but there was guy at the bottom of a drained out pool and his bottom half looked like he swallowed a blimp and his wife was standing at the edge of the pool looking down on him.
And 23, doing a creative dates topic for this forum will be a good companion piece to this incontinence, dating and intimacy topic. But I just got in from doing cleaning at the nature center where I volunteer and getting a shower and supper is the first order of business! And then maybe some creative juices will be flowing!