Husband Isn't Coping...at all

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My husband just turned 80 last week. He has had a few issues with incontinence recently, but we just got back from a cruise, during which he thoroughly soaked himself maybe four or five times. He waits until he "needs" to go, and then it's too late. I am trying to get him to pre-emptively empty his bladder, and while he agrees that may be helpful...he doesn't do it. He has lost control several times since our return home. Unfortunately, he is no good at cleaning up after himself, and so this unpleasant task has fallen to me. I'm not pleased but trying valiantly to keep that displeasure from him. I've had incontinence issues for years and keep two types of pads and some adult diapers on hand, as well as some protective pads for the bed. I just assumed that's what one does. He doesn't even want to talk about it. But something's got to give! I think I need to sit him down and level with him about how I'm feeling and let him know that he's got to take some responsibility. I don't want to destroy his self-esteem, but you'd think being dry would be a preferred state. I don't want to live in a pee-coated house. But, he'd rather visibly wet his pants than wear padding. How do you get through that kind of stubbornness? I know I will probably have to get him in to a urologist. His regular doctor just throws pills at him and isn't very helpful.

 

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You can certainly sit him down and lay out that it is something that can happen with an aging person and he needs to use protection.
But also if you can forewarn a doctor of h stubborn behavior and ask the doctor to FIRMLY outline he needs to wear protection and clean himself to AVOID skin breakdown.
IF he responds to a doctors authority you can either add to your sit down
I spoke with your doctor and he says you MUST WIPE WITH CLEANSING WIPES AND USE ADULT PROTECTION.

Just know a urologist might want to do tests for prostate cancer etc
But you and he can remember husband is 80 and what he will or don't do for uncomfortable tests.
An outside authority figure can sometimes be the voice they will respect

 

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Thanks for mentioning the effects of incontinence on his skin. I hadn't even considered that. I have been ill since we got back from our trip, so I haven't addressed this head-on. That must happen...soon. An important step is going to be finding that urologist!

 

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As the simplest way for him to reduce the number of times he wets himself, I suggest you ask him if he's willing to "void" the very second - without delay - he feels he needs to go.......assuming he is in a place where he may go pee. In this way, he may feel he has some control. If he is not willing to try this, it seems to me only a urologist can help both him and you.

I'm sure everyone here wishes you the very best.

 

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I'm thinking finding an authority he will respect and "obey" is the big challenge but hope you feel better soon.

As for urine smell in furniture bed etc the most amazing product is Nature's miracle an enzyme spray found in the lower shelf of pet care aisle at grocery store or at Walmart. It truly work so don't waste money on other stuff.
White spray bottle red lettering

 

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@Crimsicle He absolutely needs to see a urologist. Regular PCPs/family practitioners have no advice for somebody with bladder problems.

Sorry to hear you’re dealing with somebody so inappropriately stubborn. My 75-year-old dad is like that. He needs to wear protection, but won’t.

When you talk to him, you have to give him no choice in the matter. You have to tell him that he hast to do it for both himself and also for your sake.

 

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This sounds like a mental health issue to me.

 

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Guy's don't want to give in an admit they have a problem, especially if their spouse or significant other tells them what to do. If he stubborn and won't wear protection, let him wear is wet clothes. Sooner or later he'll get the message. I wear diapers and plastic pants for my bedwetting issues. This was my decision, so I don't pee on my wife. I have no self-esteem issues with this.

 

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Would he listen to members of your family?

 

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I am so sorry your husband wont accept his incontinence. I had to accept it at a lot younger age and now wearing pads or slips is just a way of life.Unfortunately you are going to have to sit him down and have the inevitable chat. My wife is very pragmatic and she told me in no uncertain terms to stop moping about."you are incontinent deal with it wear a nappy and get on with your life" it was harsh I know but actually she was right. A wet nappy is better than wet pants or a wet bed which was happening more and more often. Now 10 years later I have a great life I just have to wear nappies.

 

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Maybe if you show him he is not the only guy going through this and has to wear protection it might help him to understand

 

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I 'am sorry for your problem the same thing happen to me in my 50's.My loving wife sit me down and we had a discussing, and I gave in my wetting had become a problem, so we got diapers and mattress protector it did work. Good luck.

 

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Thank you all for the kind support! You have reinforced what I felt was correct in my heart. He has got to hear me. I'm already a little bit resentful about this, and I don't want things to deteriorate further. I KNOW he is not the only man going through this...but I'm sure it feels to him like he's traveling this road alone. He is having memory and other cognitive issues at the same time. He simply can't problem-solve like he once could. I guess I'm going to have to put my foot down and insist that he take measures. I will be monitoring this list on a regular basis, as I search for a urologist who's taking new (Medicare) patients. Not an easy task in this area. But,it will happen. If I have to take him to his general practitioner and put my foot down with HER...then maybe that's what will happen, too.

Aging ain't for sissies! This is hard!

 

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You mentioned that the GP prescribed pils
Just know that for many of us the incontinence pills don't seem to work AT ALL but in seniors can cause a kind of mental deteriorated state

 

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It might be time for a sedative to help him become more cooperative. I was in the hospital,and normally very cooperative, but I was so ill with a UTI and wanted them to leave me alone. So, soon came the sedative and placing the Foley was just fine! lol

You are a peach of a lady! Never forget that!