Crying and leaking

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Hi,
So I haven’t been feeling well, and sometimes I think I might be starting with depression again. I have been writing for the first time in my life about my incontinence and how it has affected me since I was a little girl. I honestly hoped I would feel better by doing it, but I feel constantly tired, sad, empty and with a feeling of oppression in my chest.
I already talked to my psychistrist about this and he recommended to “dose” my exposure to the topic, like maybe choosing only two days to be active in this forum and to write something for myself by only 30 minutes or so.

So here I am, trying to be active, hoping to make this work.. but I feel like I have entered a vicious cycle.. Since everytime I cry I have urge accidents and everytime I have accidents I wanna cry. Anybody with this same problem?

I am trying hard to not victimize myself by this, but I just feel like opening myself up to talk about my incontinence is tearing me apart.. like it was easier to ignore it and just have the occasional breakdown.

Does anybody know anything.. books, websites, exercises, meditations, anything that might help me and anybody else reading this forum to reach acceptance?

 

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I pray for you. God is not only a healer, but he is able to use all situations for good. You need to have faith and ask Jesus to be in your life. My faith has certainly increased through cancer- including operation, radiation, and hormone treatment. When I was very low, Jesus sent me messages of encouragement and strength through readings and people. He is always there if you reach out. God bless!
So my cancer was a blessing in that it increased my faith and brought me closer to Jesus.

 

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Depression is a horrible thing to have to deal with. It's worse than incontinence (even though an outside observer might assume otherwise). It's often the worst pain that sufferers ever experience, though it's a psychological pain rather than physical.

You are doing well by recognizing it for what it is, and by working with a psychiatrist to manage it. It's important that you give yourself credit for that.

You are also doing well by working through issues that are worsening your depression. Incontinence is a huge, life-defining problem, and having it trigger depression is both normal and understandable. Your psychiatrist is wise to suggest that you work through your feelings surrounding how is has affected you in small doses, but only you can determine how much is to much, and how fast is to fast. It's possible that you'll find it's simply not the right time to do it, or that doing it is not helpful at all. Those are valid conclusions.

The hydraulic theory of emotions (that unexpressed emotions build up pressure and must be expressed to relieve that pressure) is not a useful metaphor in many cases. Your emotions regarding how incontinence had affected you are not zero-sum, and there is no right or wrong amount to express them except what you find useful and helpful. Getting your feelings out in the open can be liberating, but don't feel like you have to express some predetermined amount for it to be useful.

Finally, take good care of yourself. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments, and take pride in the fact that you've done these things under very difficult circumstances. Go do the things that help lift your depression, even when they're hard - you've already overcome so much that doing hard things is second nature to you. It's not easy, but you are strong, even (and especially) when you feel least strong.

 

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Excellent and very informative response!
Thank you so much for such a great response.

 

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@ltapilot ,
Well said and so true.
ThNk you everyone for your posts on this topic.
Jim

 

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Checmec I haven't had my morning coffee so this is my simple response right now: this group of people, here on the forum have been a huge comfort to me in similar depressive cycle and I hope we can be a comforting basket of interlocked hands to lift you up as well.
Writing here is not a punishment not a challenge but a gift.

 

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Amen MayMay

 

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HI @Checmec, You know we are all here for you and are pulling for you and promise we will help you. And the thing is you're helping yourself by coming here and also by having a good heart-to-heart talk with your psychiatrist. And being willing to see there is a problem and then doing what you can to take care of it is half the battle right there! You are at that point. You are extremely intelligent and very sensitive to yourself and others and that is something very much in your favor. I know you will work through this and will win! It may take a while but I just don't see you giving up on it. You won't do that to yourself! You're just too strong a person for that. And if you don't feel you're succeeding then regroup and try again. Something that is worth fighting for is not always easy to get as you are finding out. But I know you are going to prevail!
I do know that sad, empty feeling of oppression in the chest and it seems overwhelming at times. Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to when you aren't seeing the psychiatrist? That is someone you can trust and take into your confidence?
And do come here whenever you like. Even if you just want to say Hi! You're reaching out to us and please know we are here for you.
I really like what Maymay said right up above that we'd like to be a comforting basket of interlocked hands to lift you up. That is perhaps the most beautiful sentiment I have ever seen here on this forum. And it is so true! And the best part is we really do mean it! I hope you are feeling better and more uplifted now. We've got a firm grip on you and we're not going to let go of you!

 

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I think this forum is the most helpful aid to feel less alone. I myself had to gradually ease into participation. You don’t want your entire life to be about your bladder.

I highly recommend exercise and spending as much time as possible in nature, reflecting on how - naturally - absolutely nothing is perfect, including you - and that’s a fine thing. Existence is messy, even for rocks. They fall down. They turn into dirt. They get shoved against each other. This is the way of the universe. Gravity goes on...

You will also feel more empowered if you pursue further treatment with a urologist. You have barely scratched the surface in that regard. You’ve only had one major test; there are several major tests you’re missing. You have many options: medications (there are at least six to try, though, yes, they all dry you out), pessaries (there are hundreds of those!), many kinds of diapers and bedpads, surgeries, catheters, Botox injections, etc. You need to get to the bottom of what is causing your incontinence so you can learn about your treatment options and accurately know what to expect, and what you truly need to strive to learn to accept. Until you do that, you’ll be stuck in a space of fear of the unknown. You may not even need to feel as upset as you do, because there may actually be a treatment solution for you.

I think you are grieving your incontinence, which is healthy - to process the feelings. Having urinary incontinence sucks; I hate it, especially when I’m driving and sleeping. Yeah, yeah, yeah: people here like to say “things can be worse.” After all, you could have fecal incontinence, which I think would be a far filthier hell. But that perspective doesn’t make surviving urinary incontinence any easier or less real. “Everything is Relative,” especially when you’re young and have a smaller perspective of experience. So I’m with you that urinary incontinence is a lonely, gross hell. If that weren’t true, this forum wouldn’t exist.

Have you read about “The Five Stages of Grief”? They are important to be aware of, at any stage in life. They’ll help you understand where you’re at in the process and that eventually, you *will* feel better. And grief is not always about losing a loved one; one can grieve the hell COVID has wrought on humanity, or having a medical condition. I highly recommend reading the original book by Kübler-Ross.

https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html

Also, don’t forget to do self-care and self-pampering. This will help train your brain and heart that you are worthy of love and existence. Fake it until you make it. Surviving depression necessitates going through the motions, even when they feel exhausting and boring. Stay busy if you can manage it.

Do you have a pet? They help A LOT!!!!!!!!!!! Petting a pet lowers blood pressure and heart rate. They’re an excellent distraction because it feels wonderful to take care of, and give to, something else besides yourself.

Speaking of giving, are you volunteering anywhere? Volunteering is one of the best feelings and will fill you with wonderful experiences, gifts, and connections - all while genuinely taking your mind off your own concerns.

Lastly, you *will* feel better with time and acceptance. Some days and experiences will always be worse than others. But overall, like most of us here, eventually you’ll get a more positive outlook and be able to more confidently move forward through life.

 

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First of all there is no magic pill or strategy for acceptance. Having a disability is a lot like losing a loved one. We grieve the life we never have. We always have the thought what would my life be like without this struggle. We go through stages of sadness, denial, anger, guilt, blame and acceptance, yoyoing through all the stages.
Secondly, you stated you are seeing a psychiatrist. It might be helpful to look into a therapist as well. I find cbt is particularly helpful when it comes to accepting oneself.
Thirdly I think the most important part is to learn to love yourself despite your disability and because of it. Your disability made you who you are today. To quote neitchze, what does not kill you only makes stronger.

 

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I concur with @Mightychi; seeing a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) with an MSW, or a Ph.D. psychologist, is crucial to also seeing a psychiatrist. Be sure not to Mickey Mouse around wasting time with any uncredentialed, generic “counselor.”

Psychiatrists only prescribe medications; they don’t do talk therapy, they’re way too busy for that - at least that’s how it works here in the U.S. A therapist, on the other hand, is more nurturing and caring, like a nurse.

The “CBT” @Mightychi refers to is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I also appreciate. Becoming aware of, and harnessing, your thoughts and feelings will help you in all parts of your life - forever. Therapy is one of the highest-paying investments you’ll ever make in your life. It takes work and time, but the dividends never cease paying.

Of the types of therapists, an LCSW will likely be the most helpful asset to you. The Ph.D. Psychologists are heavily into psych testing and fancy diagnostics. I find them too dry and esoteric, too removed - too uppity, and autistically unable to connect emotively, similar to most M.D.s.

 

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I don’t like the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Sometimes what doesn’t kill you leaves you scarred, bitter, and sad for the rest of your life - and that’s okay. ALL your feelings are okay. Unless you’re Mormon, you don’t have to conform to nonstop phony positivity like you’re a Barbie doll - you’re not. It’s fine and normal to have ups and downs.

 

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And having feelings is what makes you human. People who seem to have no feelings or are blasé about everything really worry me. We are subject to a wide range of feelings and there is no denying that. And Lord knows I have my ups and downs, just like we all do and should.

 

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@billliveshere Bravo!

 

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Thank you a lot for your support. Here in Mexico some psychiatrists are also prepared to do therapy (like mine, he does psychotherapy and cognitive). I have been in therapy for five years (only took antidepressants the first 6 months). I do not want to get there again, depression is really something I don’t wish to anybody. It may not seem like it (because of my negative posts) but I am a lot better than five years ago. Only with a few important things unressolved.

It is interesting to see how we all have the same problem but ultimately our subjetive experience is very different. I like that because we can share our different point of views and learn a lot! I will take into account every advice you gave me, I certainly do not want to feel like this for the rest of my life and I have the responsability to make it easier for me to live with this disability (which btw it just hit me.. it is a disability!). Anyway I will take it step by step.. I probably started too optimistic about confronting my feelings.

Thank you for reading, thank you for your advice!

 

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I have written some stories for publication about my alcoholic father and my broken childhood. Just like you, I hoped writing about it would make me better able to cope with the past. But in order to write about that trauma in detail, I had to dig up all the hurt and relive it again in my mind. It became overwhelming. Maybe that's what you are doing?

I been through hell once, and I don't want to go there again. Not even for a visit. So, I don't write about that stuff anymore. Writing about my past is bad for my mental health.

The only way I know how to cope with incontinence is to put all my energy into keeping a positive mental attitude. I'm glad I found this forum. I've learned things on here about managing incontinence that has made my life better. I thank you all for that!

 

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I will pray to God for you. Don't give up, life is beautiful. You have to be strong and you have the support of everyone in this forum.

 

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That is how my condition night incontinence with occasional mishaps in the day(do NOT run water near me or play soothing ocean or babbling brook sounds on Pandora around me!) Is described by my family. I have a disability.
Calling it that has given me a mental distance to be able to separate from the this is me this is a problem that affects me so its no longer I am Disgusting
but the disability is a seperate party living in my body.
Are you by any chance a perfectionist? I think we ask ourselves to have perfect bodies as well as be perfect in our lives in other areas.

 

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Here's another silly idea but it helps me....
I name certain things like my coffee maker (Ian Micheal. He pours water all, around him when i make coffee and even leaks coffee on the counter under his sturdy base causing me to be known as messy. "I didnt do that its Ian Micheal acting out again!"). What about naming your disability mine i will call Grace. Oh oh Grace is having a problem today! Poor Grace, she's crying again...
By separation from the disability I can be compassionate to myself not bitter at this odd bit of machinery that is not "perfect".

 

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Lord knows I don't have a perfect body and I make no bones about it! And there are only very, very, very few of us who can even dare to claim to have a perfect body. Almost everybody has some kind of imperfection. It's just the way we were made! But perfect bodies, or lack thereof, notwithstanding, we make up for it in other ways. And one of the many ways we make up for physical imperfections is to be understanding of what others go through. And most importantly be appreciative of those close to us no matter what type of physical imperfection they may have. It's not a physical imperfection that defines a person, it's the total package of qualities that someone has to offer us.
And @Checmec, you are extremely perceptive and have many wonderful qualities that many others only wish they could have. You were born with the tools that help you know yourself and be able to work with yourself and others. You have gifts that you may not be aware of but are those that only others can see in you.