A Note on Visibility

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Hi Everyone!

First time starting a new topic. I've replied to a few, and enjoy the support and camaraderie.

One thing I'd like to note is, my Sponsor (I'm in recovery) has had prostate surgery, and is mildly incontinent. Due to a broken neck and back, I'm mildly incon as well.

Sponsor is older (80s) and I am "younger" (nearing 50). He wears Depend pullups with a guard, as he is very paranoid about people seeing him wearing. The thing is, he doesn't seem to realize the massive bulge he is sporting.

I wear a Northshore Supreme Lite under tight jeans, and no one seems to notice. I've sent him a few emails in this regard, but he doesn't want to deal with the topic.

It's weird, but for me, I find a tape-on to be MORE discrete than some of these pull-up combos.

 

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How does the NS supreme Lite compare to the Tranquility ATN? The ATN is a good deal cheaper. Is it worth the extra cost?

As for your sponsor, to each their own. You’ve shared your tip, if he chooses to use a different method, that’s his call. This is a very personal decision.

 

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Agreed but you probably have accepted you need to wear whereas some people truly struggle with coming to terms that they need protection.

I remember at the beginning I did too and then I finally realized most of the paranoia is solely in my own head. People very rarely will ever notice the crinkle of plastic diapers. Especially if you put plastic pants over top like Gary wear. People out in public are so busy thinking about their own issues and their to do list they don’t care really about people they have never met before.

I remember for myself how less stressful life was when I accepted I needed to wear tape on briefs for meetings, car trips, any long trips away from my house or even just running errands. Honestly it eliminated the need of worrying about leaks and always needing to find a washroom.

Also one of my greatest blessings is I truly do not care what people think about me.

 

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Very well said, @Jwh51! And believe me, I have enough issues of my own right now that occupies my mind, not what somebody five yards away is wearing for underwear!

 

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Likewise very well said bill.

It’s amazing how paralyzing our own mind can be if we let it run rampant in our heads. Like the title of a book I read recently.

Our minds will make us crazy if we allow it too.

Basically this is coming back to mindfulness and creating our own reality in the current timeframe we live in.

 

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@xtrabulk maybe you notice the bulge because you know what to look for? I don't think that most people take much notice?

 

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Well said physlink

 

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I've got to agree with that, @physlink! If you don't know what to look for then the bulge won't be perceived by you.

 

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And there you complete the circle Bill. It all comes back to our own perspective and what we are looking for.

And like I say often we are our own worst enemy.

Most of the time if anyone reflects back on any situation over 90-95% of the awkwardness is just ourselves thinking in our own minds and demonizing ourselves.

Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Accept yourself. You are awesome in your own special way.

Love thyself.

With Love . Be kind to yourself.

Jason

 

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Hi Jason, I couldn't have said it better myself! That is excellent psychology!

 

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@physlink Women definitely check out men’s bulges, and some men check them out, too

 

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@Jwh51 Part of why you can say you don’t care what other people think is because you’re happily married. If you were single and dating, you would likely feel more sensitive about this.

 

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@xtrabulk Congratulations on being in recovery. I’m glad you have a sponsor you can relate to; that’s hard to find! Good luck with your continuing sobriety!

 

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First of all @xtrabulk congrats on your sobriety, that’s not an easy thing to obtain and maintain, I’ve got 6.5 years myself.

It sounds like your sponsor is being affected by the stigma that surrounds diapers, that is a very real and valid fear that is ingrained into many of us from a young age. And it’s not an easy fear to overcome. In certain areas of my life I have the attitude that I don’t care what other people think of me, I’ll wear what I want, and I won’t hesitate to be me. And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can go kick rocks for all I care. But when it comes to my incontinence and my choice of protection, I am very aware of how I look and what may or may not be showing, and I would be mortified if anyone ever discovered that I was wearing a diaper. It probably doesn’t help that I’m single and still semi actively dating, and I need to care what the opposite sex thinks of me. But then for me it could just be that I’m more sensitive to it after being bullied for much of my childhood for being a pants wetter. Sometimes our wounds are not always visible, and sometimes they stay with us for the rest of our lives. At the end of the day your sponsor is going to do what he’s most comfortable with.

 

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I have to agree with what most are saying in that. the general public does not notice an unusual bulge or possible crinkle sound. Speaking for myself thinking back I have never had my attention drawn to someone and thought, wonder if they are wearing protection. It just never crosses my mind when out and about.

I do get what has been said about some, especially when first needing to wear protection, are self conscience about others noticing. For me, several years ago I took a long overseas flight and since it was a night flight I wore Depend Realfits under my boxers and pants for that just in case I have a wetting accident when sleeping on the plane. This was one of the first times wearing protection when in public and the first long period of time doing so. I was very self conscience at first like when getting to the airport, going through TSA and all that. But by the time I arrived at the destination airport I practically forgot I was even wearing protection at all.

 

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Hi Jaytee, you can actually sleep on a plane?? On the times I have taken night flights overseas sleep was next to impossible. You're sitting in a space occupied by hundreds of others, you're on your back in a narrow seat with no "wiggle room" and people keep walking up and down the aisle. As for me, the times when I was just about to drift off to sleep, it felt like the plane was falling and that gets your attention fast! And also that's when turbulence usually starts. So sleeping while flying is an "exercise" that has always eluded me!
But for those of you who can actually sleep while flying, more power to you! A skill I have never mastered!

 

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@billliveshere Yes, sleeping on a plane is very challenging without Ambien.

 

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My experience is that it's mainly psychological - when I would just wear taped products for IBS flare-ups I was really self-conscious and swore I'd never wear anything greater than a pull up full-time (and I was still crazy self-conscious about them). Fast forward to now and as my urinary issues have worsened I'm in taped products 24/7 and don't think anything of it. Once you get used to walking with some added bulk I think that makes it less noticeable as well.

Generally, my advice is to go one size up with trousers and wear a baggy top. I've found that taped products can be more discreet as you can get a closer fit with the plastic backed ones but there is the issue of them riding higher than pull ups. Ultimately though, some bulk is more discreet than smells and wet patches.

 

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Hi @snow, I haven't tried Ambien yet but if I ever have to fly overseas at night, I will certainly try it!!! Although a couple of airline "glasses" of red wine might also work wonders on such a flight!

 

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@billliveshere Make sure you try Ambien privately before trying it publicly. It makes some people sleep walk, sleep drive, sleep eat, etc. with no memory of it the next day. I would first try taking it with another person nearby to supervise.