People that don’t understand

[Archives1]

My grandma is upset and going off on me again this weekend because of my accidents. She says medicine and the training she has tried to help me with hasn’t worked.

When I went to the doctor a few weeks back they did some tests and he gave me some medicine that helped at first, but as of late I’m back to 2-3 accidents a day. The test did show the irritable bowel disease, which makes sense because after he describes some of the symptoms, it’s definitely some of the things I struggle with, but I don’t really ever have bowel accidents.

Should I just give up on my grandmother ever understanding or at least not being mad at me when I do have an accident? Is there something else I can do to make her not mad at me?

 

[Archives1]

On occasion Grand parents don't get it, ir are unwilling to accept it.

 

[Archives1]

@Flaco Should I just give up on her ever going to understand?

 

[Archives1]

@Claytonp I'm afraid so.

 

[Archives1]

@Claytonp, this may sound corny, but have you tried the conversation that you would never knowingly do anything that would upset her or make her angry? Do you show her love? If so, could you ask her to return the love by understanding that you have a medical condition that tons of other people have and that you're trying to solve the situation, but it's going to take time.

 

[Archives1]

@fleemoore i’ve tried talking with her and explaining it, but I just don’t think she can wrap her head around someone my age having Incontinence. In the past, my mom talked to her about my problems and stuff and she always chocks it up to me being lazy and doesn’t actually believe I have a problem.

And the thing that I don’t understand is the fact that she also has some type of bladder problems that she has to wear depends for. So I would think she would be super understanding, but she’s not.

 

[Archives1]

You have a genuine medical disorder and you must get it across to your grandmother that you can't stop it and that she must get used to it happening. Her support for you should be unending and her understanding of how you feel must be well-demonstrated to her.

It's not something you choose to have happen, daily. The stress of being unable to communicate your embarrassment and regrets, about this condition is probably messing your Vagus Nerve up and that controls just about everything, down there. Stress gets stronger, then, and the Vagus Nerve is messing up your mental abilities, also.

It's worth looking up. (Brain-gut connection, and the Vagus Nerve.)

How old is your grandmother?

Are you doing Kegel exercises? How many? How often? How long, in weeks or months?

Not counting this incontinence situation, did you and your grandmother already argue and disagree a great deal, on many things?

 

[Archives1]

Do you live with her?
Seems like someone is taking you to the doctor so if you can get a letter from the doctor that states you have a medical condition to show her would be a good idea.

You may have to step back mentally and emotionally and think SHE is the one with a problem that she is so unhappy with her own problem and has not grasped that others in her family also do.

 

[Archives1]

You say your gran doesn't understand of accept 'someone of your age having incontinence' - I was BORN with incontinence, it had NOTHING to do with potty training or any other kind of conditioning. When I was 15 - your age I think - my parents (who were always totally understanding - my father was a doctor) had me spend a night in hospital for an investigation of my bladder under anaesthetic, and the diagnosis was IRRITABLE BLADDER, for which there was then (I am now 78) and still now isn't any cure or effective medication. Most medications seem to have short-lived effectiveness, if any. I have experienced that - I took amitriptyline for depression many years ago; one of its side effects was to normalise my bladder function completely. I had a couple of years living like a person with no bladder problem at all. Then one day, the problem was back and the amitriptyline stopped working; no other tablet has worked since. All my friends, as well as of course my family, had to be used to the idea that if I was out with them and needed to go to the loo, I had to go immediately - it was also true that at that time there wasn't even any help to be got from pull-ups or diapers or even pads, they just weren't on the market, though I sometimes used women's sanitary pads. It has got worse and worse with advancing years. My mother had the same problem to a lesser extent, so do my brother and one sister. I am shortly to have a hip replacement operation and am dreading the first couple of weeks of recuperation, trying to deal with incontince as well, though I have had good advice about it from this forum.

Can you get your gran to read the exchanges you have had with this forum so that she might realise that there are so many of us, including young people - I recall a Nigerian student - who have this problem, and are worried sick about it and use the forum as a place where they can get advice and some reassurance? This includes a lot of people who have had the problem since childhood. I have never come across any account of an individual who seems so hard to convince, to the point of apparently having no faith in the doctor she took you to some time ago. Finally, can you get to see a urologist as upposed to a general practitioner? Would your gran believe him/her?

 

[Archives1]

Have to agree with Abigail, I had to get a letter from my Dr for work.

 

[Archives1]

@Claytonp, the good news is you have lots of people here who understand your situation. If she has incontinence issues then maybe you should give up on her understanding and spend your energy and time doing what you can to help your health situation. Burning your energy around a negative person is not good for your health. I learned this the hard way and it can be challenging to accept.

 

[Archives1]

@fleemoore Interesting point!

 

[Archives1]

I think your grandmother is probably really disappointed that she herself has bladder problems at her age, and I bet she feels sad, depressed, and angry about her own problems, and she takes it out on you. That’s very unfair, but I think that’s what’s happening. Is your mom out of the hospital yet?

Most of us don’t have any luck with the five medications that exist to treat incontinence. Most of us just give up and wear diapers or pull-ups all the time. When you get older, there are some different procedures you can look at like Botox injections or some of the other products the men talk about.

I *highly* recommend reading about, and watching videos on YouTube about, doing Kegel exercises. They really helped me learn to flex my pelvic floor muscle to hold urine in until I could reach a restroom. Before I did Kegel exercises, if I was in a movie theater and had to pee, I couldn’t even get out the door of the theater before it would happen. After I learned how to do Kegel exercises, now I can hold my pee for five minutes to get out to the actual theater bathroom, so I don’t have to pee myself in the movie anymore, so the exercises are definitely worth doing. They feel kind of weird at first, but eventually you’ll get used to it and it will just become a part of your daily routine. You’ll start doing them without thinking about them and that’s a really awesome, empowering experience. It won’t solve all your problems, like it probably won’t solve your bedtime problems, but it can help you during the day when you’re conscious. The best way to learn how to do these exercises with a physical therapist, but since your mom/grandmother won’t help you with that probably because it cost money, you’ll have to figure out how to do it from online. Maybe some of the men here can give you some ideas about which websites are the best and how to do it.

 

[Archives1]

Hi @Claytonp, everybody here has good advice and all of us have had a lot of experience dealing with incontinence so you could not have come to a better place to talk about this.
From reading these entries, you know that the onus is not on you and you are definitely not being willful or stubborn. But I have the impression you are doing all that you can do to find answers from the doctor about your problem and you know it is a medical thing and it's not just a matter of being defiant to parents/grandparent.
There is a suggestion here for you to see a urologist and if I were you, I'd definitely go that route. And you can explain to the urologist that you're doing all that you can do and that you are having a hard time with some members of your family (more specifically grandma) accepting that you have a real medical condition. Do confide that with the urologist and see what kind of suggestions he or she has for that. That would be a great way to get the urologist on your side!
In the meantime, keep searching for answers and good luck (in a sincere way) knowing that all of us have your back and all of us are experienced in life.
Please keep us posted on what's going on with you!

 

[Archives1]

@Claytonp

I am going to tell you something that others might have said but I am going to say it loud anyway.

Take your gram with you to your next doctor's visit, and every visit until things get better. MAKE HER GO IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AND THE DOCTOR!!

Over my time being sick and dealing with all the things that I do, the best thing that I have done is take my mom/dad to doctor visits with me.

I am almost 40 and there are times when I still want my mother or someone else with me.

My dad was very non-supportive when this all started but the first time my mom went to the doctor with me, that all changed. She saw firsthand how bad things were.

Like now, my mom helped me clean my apartment so my Older sister and nieces could come over while they were here.

She saw how badly my body reacts to things so she will keep me on track.

Sometimes having a doctor tell a loved one how bad you are off, helps them understand better than you saying it a million times to them.

 

[Archives1]

@snow Interesting that Kegels are so effective. I know that they are recommending Kegels (or similar strengthening) for both females and males now. Sorting out daytime issues is for most of us priority 1. If bedtime issues remains - than it is much easier to wear diapers..

 

[Archives1]

@snow "now I can hold my pee for five minutes to get out to the actual theater bathroom" What I've noticed in my case is that when I get the urge, the urgency seems to skyrocket WHEN I get into the bathroom. In most cases, I have little or no problem getting TO the bathroom. Most of my "accidents" happen IN the bathroom, as I am unzipping, or getting positioned over the toilet. Most annoying!

 

[Archives1]

@Peter_A, I went to a physical therapist to learn how to do Kegels correctly. I explained my situation was like yours. She told me to stop on my way to the bathroom, learn to relax with some deep breathing, and do some Kegels while stopped. This was supposed to prevent "in-the-bathroom accidents" as you describe them. I also spoke with my urologist about this issue and he said it was similar to having to pee when I step to a sink to wash my hands (other than after going to the bathroom). I was told it was a learned condition that had developed during my lifetime. (I'm 74.) It is similar to the Pavlov dog experiment if you're familiar with that.

I wish you the best, sir.

 

[Archives1]

@fleemoore Thanks for your insight, fleemore.
Yes, I also did physical therapy, 4 1/2 months, which didn't really seem to help. Part of that was also the pause and deep breathing ("diaphragmatic breathing", I think it was called), but all that really seemed to do was move the site of the "accident" by a few feet and more of my clothing got soiled. I did wonder if there was a psychological component to the situation. I'm six years ahead of you, age-wise, as of two weeks ago.

 

[Archives1]

@Allan_59 Any woman who ever had an orgasm already knows how to do Kegels! We can’t have an orgasm without flexing our pelvic floors. It’s somewhat involuntary and is part of our orgasmic muscle trembling reflex. So yes, sexually active females, alone or with a partner, often do Kegels and don’t have as much to learn about them as do men who’ve never thought twice about their pelvic floor muscles. Pregnant women definitely have to practice Kegel exercises before and after labor or they’re not going to be able to push their baby out. Men who don’t suffer from ED and who know how to flex their Kegel muscles can have a much more powerful orgasm and make sex much better for a woman so I wish more men would be taught to practice Kegels at a young age.

Even though I knew how to do Kegels since I was a teenager and intentionally kept my pelvic floor in good shape in the interest of pleasing myself and my partners, I still did learn a lot from my physical therapist who taught me how to think of my Keven exercises as moving from the back to the front rather than just squeezing repeatedly in the front. So I highly recommend that anybody who can should see a physical therapist if they need to learn how to best practice Kegels.