New term for diapers.

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For terminology, when I'm talking with my wife I call them diapers, and she calls then that because I do - its easy to say and communicates clearly, and it distinguishes then from some of the other products I use occasionally. When I need to talk to a healthcare professional, I usually call them incontinence briefs, because I still find the work "diaper" to be something of a loaded term, and I don't want them to think I'm using them as part of a fetish. I don't think I've ever discussed them outside of those two rather select groups.

 

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Thanks so much for adding to this conversation. Unfortunately, most parents are not as educated as you about the effects of negative reinforcement and use it quite often, for both potty training, grades and everything else.

I've asked many nurses why they never will use the term diaper with patients and they all say "because only babies wear diapers." so I think it's much more prevalent than just the ABDL market.

There has been a lot of research in this area done by clinical psychologists and, of course, the stigma is much more complicated than only that one phrase. As you mentioned, the are a lot of fears and anxieties that play into it.

The research shows that after potty training, in the elementary schools, the kids that still have troubles are found to be smelly and are labeled "not normal" by their peers. It's seen as a blaming of the child for not having control...i.e. a mental deficiency as opposed to physical one. So, then we all see this lack of control as a failure of our mind and something we don't want to discuss or deal with. Not many schools have someone like Adam Sandler in Billy Madison to make these accidents seem 'cool'.

Loss of control is seen as a failure since we are trained early on, regardless of the words, that people are supposed to be able to control the timing of their bathroom visits. It's Pavlovian training that makes us hardwired to see lack of control as failure. Then as we get older, we see loss of control as a precursor to losing our mental abilities in general which is even more feared than loss of physical agility.

The #1 reason families put a loved one into a nursing home is when they can no longer manage the incontinence. Nobody wants to feel like they are starting down the track of being left to die alone in a nursing home so being in denial and not speaking about incontinence is a way to avoid having that conversation with yourself.

Anyway, everyone has different experiences so no two situations are the same. Some can deal with it and move on much better than others. A lot of it has to do with what we learned from interactions with kids at school and parents...and how they dealt with incontinence for themselves or their parents, etc...

Just having this conversation and acknowledging that it's a complicated issue is a huge step in the right direction.

 

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I don’t think it has anything to do with parents shaming babies. I think the adult diaper stigma is there for a pretty good reason: it IS gross! Furthermore, all excrement comes from sexual organs, which are still considered “gross” in public discussion.

 

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Definitely, agree. That's part of it too. People who use diapers are seen as dirty or gross. Don't you think this also has to do with the experience of changing baby diapers?

I've asked this question to people under the age of 25 who've never had babies and the vast majority are confused by this and don't have the same feeling that people needing adult diapers is gross like older populations.

 

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I don't know if it has that much to do with changing baby diapers. I suspect, though, that changing both baby and adult diapers deals with the same issue of having to see and perhaps smell someone else's bodily waste.

I think people get grossed out more over changing adult diapers because of the embarrassment of seeing another adult naked and helpless, especially when it's a parent or relative. We as a culture tend to be uncomfortable with others' bodies (at least when we're in a non-sexual setting) and having to roll a parent over to clean up after an accident is just too much for many people.

Then there's an immaturity factor, too. I'm mortified by the thought that people at work will discover that I'm incontinent, because I know some of them will come up with a variety of nicknames for me. Maybe not to my face - I do have the power to fire most of them - but behind my back, sure. And I'll still hear about it.

Ironically, I'm likely to need an ileostomy later this year, and I'm less worried about the idea of a bag of stool taped to my abdomen than I am about a diaper with a little urine under my clothes. So there's obviously more to the stigma than just the factory of uncleanliness and body waste - ostomies have their own stigma, but I think it's less than diapers.

 

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Well said, Itapilot. I think you spoke for a lot of us. But the most disturbing thing is what you call the "immaturity factor" which is most unfortunate. I just don't get why people, supposedly mature people, would come up with nicknames and derogatory comments over someone's incontinence. I mean incontinence is a part of you(can't deny that) but it does not define you. You mentioned you may need an ileostomy at some point. I was engaged to a woman who had such an operation in her 20s. I had met her when she was in her 40's, as I was back then, It really didn't faze me and didn't stop us from having a relationship. I guess you're now wondering if it went beyond the engagement part. Well, no, it didn't. But the ileostomy wasn't the reason. I found out that although she had told me she was divorced, it turned out her husband never even bothered to file for divorce although he had told her he would. And of course that's a whole 'nother story right then and there! Obviously that easily trumps any ileostomy!

 

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No. Babies aren’t seen as dirty or gross. But grown adults as helpless and disgusting-smelling and looking, who are less than 80-years-old, actually *are* way worse than helpless babies in diapers. Believe me, I wish it weren’t true, but I thoroughly repulse myself 24/7. SICK. Adults secrete wayyyy more often and wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy more fluid, especially those of us who “wet the bed.” So disgusting. There are no words for how gross we are. I’m not going to pretend it’s someone else’s fault, like babies, or “parents.” It’s *MY* adult fault, for being reckless when I flew off that snowboarding cliff.

 

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It's hard not to feel repulsive. My wife obviously knows about my incontinence, but I try not to let her see me with just a diaper on, because it makes me feel undesirable. I feel gross when I've just had an accident and I can feel urine against my skin and wonder if I smell like pee.

My wife feels unattractive because she's old and overweight. I look at her, though, and I see a stunningly beautiful woman. Her perception of herself is completely different from my perception of her. I have to remind myself of that - she'll see me putting on a diaper when I'm getting dressed for work in the morning and comment that she finds me attractive, but I don't feel attractive at that moment. I feel gross and undesirable.

It's a hard fight. I don't want to feel gross or disgusting. In my case, my incontinence isn't anybody's fault - I never asked for interstitial cystitis, ulcerative colitis, or sclerosing cholangitis. I didn't choose to have my immune system attack my body, or whatever it is that causes my little cluster of diseases. I don't have to accept the body image that society pushes on me, I don't have to believe that lack of control is a sign of weakness, that bodily waste is disgusting, and that my inability to control my bodily waste is something to be ashamed of.

Saying that I don't have to accept it is a long way from truly being free of it, though. We all deal with stigma on some level, and stigma is society telling us that we should be ashamed. Feeling shame over medical problems is pointless, but it's hard not to do.

 

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@ltapilot Thank you so much for your perspective. I love how much you adore your wife and I love your perspective about wearing diapers. You’re correct: it *is* a struggle not to feel icky or unattractive. I’m single and it’s so hard to date because women are supposed to wear skimpy lingerie and thongs to be sexy to a man. I can’t begin to say in words how much I miss my lacey, sexy panties. Sometimes I wear them over my diapers, which is really silly. Diapers are a big downgrade from sexy panties for women. We don’t just fall from male boxer briefs or tighty-whities, we fall from skimpy lace and silk. Oh well. I do love that I’ve learned / realized that when I see another person, I have nooooo idea what they’re suffering with behind their healthy-looking appearance. So I’ve gained more humility, tolerance, and empathy for every other human being.

 

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What an excellent thread everyone. Thank you. Hope everyone has a nice weekend. Doesn’t matter much what diapers are called as long as the solve the issue and keep me dry. Just different underwear to me. I used to beat myself up about the I just leaked in my underwear thing too and odor, etc. the new adult diapers are much better at keeping us dry and odor free than even just 10 years ago so it doesn’t bother me that much anymore. Except when it’s really hot and then i feel like a rotisserie chicken around my waist. Just have to be creative and find different options for the situation I guess.

Thank you everyone for your e cells to advice, solutions and opinions. It has helped me and so many other folks. Just wanted to say thanks. Take care.
Jim

 

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Good morning everyone, hope you all had a great weekend! I just wanted to touch bases and possibly clarify some of my earlier statements.
One thing stated that stood out so boldly to me is that Autism is believed to be much more common than incontinence. What if I were to tell you, in the US alone more than 10 times as many people “reported” suffering incontinence than Autism. Estimates say on average only 30-35% of people with incontinence, not tied to a birth, surgery or accident ever report it or discuss it with their doctors. Not only that, when trying to dig through the often convoluted numbers, when you dig into the Autism numbers these now include “Blindness” “ADD” and a whole host of other childhood based “disorders” included under the “Spectrum of disorders”. Heck, I probably would have been medicated as a kid, I was into everything! I mean I had to know how anything worked, including tuning up the toaster with my newly gained knowledge, and 9 year old understanding of electrical theory! The resulting fire I caused, and the burn mark in Mom’s new kitchen counter served for years as a reminder to get the whole story! I’m sure my curiosity drove my parents NUTS! That search for knowledge & understanding has served me well throughout my life.
I was on the board of one of the earlier Autism organizations due to my God Daughter being misdiagnosed with Autism as a small child. (Turned out to be child abuse from a Nanny, We trusted and treated like family) We were focused on seeking funding for research and medications from big Pharmaceutical companies, treatments, research, ANSWERS! At that time parents were desperate for treatments, so some leadership often allowed the numbers to be misleading just to draw attention and to secure research $$ and treatment as they previously were being mostly marginalized, and the children deemed untreatable!
Look at where they are now, compared to where we are? The only exposure to Autism most people had at that time were the headlines, often Celebrities children suffering the most extreme aspects of Autism. Nobody wants to say, my child is not perfect, but this is what it took to get our attention. As well as the researchers, Pharma companies & doctors.
I guess my point is it won’t get any better unless “WE” force a change of perspective. A number of companies such as Depend & Poise have cracked open the door. As many of us that live with this know, those products would never cut it in “Our real world”, but they are pushing the door open for real conversations. Cheryl Gartley, a very brave woman, has been knocking down doors and crusading for over 25 years. There was also a National group call HIP, Help for Incontinent People. Again faded away for whatever reasons. I imagine Adam will have far more hard data than I, but isn’t everybody tired of “The Stigma”? Maybe this should be under a new topic, but I hate to hear people still hiding their diapers from those that love them. This is NO WAY TO LIVE! Sure we all want discretion when in public, but to have to hide & sneak around in our own homes, with our loved ones? I just don’t see how that can be healthy. This is not just in response to those brave enough to share their lives here, but how about the 10, or 100, or 10,000 Lurkers/readers, browsing but not yet comfortable enough to post their realty here. I would like to hear others thoughts on how to change this. I will apologize in advance, I don’t mean to upset or offend anyone, I laud everyone here for caring enough to share and possibly save someone else from the pain & suffering many of us have endured for too long.
Maybe I am a bit too aggressive in my approach, again I apologize. I have spent more than half of my life dealing with this, and the products we have today might as well be from Mars, considering the outlook i saw in the late 80’s. If the products can change so remarkably, why can’t we? Why let this “STIGMA” win?
P.S. I only use Autism as an example for what can potentially be accomplished by changing the narrative. Collectively they have done remarkable things, and given many beautiful children the opportunity to thrive, and parents the knowledge they need to assist their kids in accomplishing this. My hope is that we can learn something from their success...

Have a great week everyone!

 

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Interesting thread with some thought-provoking responses.

It's amazing how many euphemisms there are for diapers. My mother certainly skirts around calling them nappies. I think ultimately it's an embarrassing thing to discuss so don't mind whatever people call them really. Ultimately though, that's what they are and I've gotten over the initial emotional hurdle of wearing them. For me, the embarrassment about having to wear nappies as an adult is outweighed by the positives. Indeed, since I've started wearing some form of protection all the time I've reflected on how uncomfortable I was most of the time, how self-conscious I was about smells and how much laundry I did. The fact that I'm also not petrified of going out whenever I have an IBS flareup anymore is also a positive. Whilst I agree it's hard not to feel self-conscious, I certainly felt far more unclean before wearing any protection.

That's also why I agree it's frustrating that there is such a stigma about incontinence products. Ultimately, the way I see it, nappies/diapers are just underwear with some added padding and yet for some reason society has deemed that they're the most embarrassing thing you can possibly wear. I imagine when I eventually start dating again there will be an awkward conversation (although I remind myself that my incontinence issues caused me a lot of stress in past relationships) and that's why I'm hoping that my urology referral will at least lessen the need for constant protection.

 

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There was also a National group call HIP, Help for Incontinent People. Again faded away for whatever reasons.

You're too funny. HIP did not fade away. In 1996 it was renamed the National Association for Continence, which runs the forum we're using.

As far as fighting stigma or discussing incontinence issues with loved ones, it's every individual's choice whether and how much to share. Some people are very private, and some aren't. While it's easy to idealize a situation with everyone on the front lines of fighting stigma, many people just aren't able to do that.

 

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I agree with SciFi Fan that diapers are just underwear with padding added to them. What one prefers to call them is entirely up to them, just as people have their own names for, well, underwear. You call 'em as you see fit, whether you go with diapers, briefs, pull-ups, pull-ons, or whatever. YUou wear whatever you feel is best for you and whatever works for you. If others think it's worthy of stigmatizing then I think it's their problem and not yours! I wear what is right for me and as long as it works for me then so be it, just like what you feel comfortable calling them.

 

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How come the guy (Gal) in a wetsuit is considered an adventurer, when if one wore the same inside out they MUST be deficient? I think the need for this particular crutch cuts us all a bit different, but it cuts nonetheless...

 

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No matter what you call them, diapers aren’t any kind of lingerie, not panties, not lace.

 

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No matter what you call them, diapers aren’t any kind of lingerie, not panties, not lace.

Like most of what I wear, they're there to do a job. When I'm in certain areas at work, I wear a hard hat. When I need to work in high places, I wear a fall protection harness. When I ride a motorcycle, I wear a helmet. When my bladder leaks, I wear a diaper. I don't wear any of those as a fashion statement, but rather as a necessary piece of protective equipment.

If all of my protective gear does its job, then I'm happy. If I don't have an accident that requires the protective gear I'm wearing, I'm even happier.

 

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@ltapilot That’s a great way to look at it.

 

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That's the way I see it, too. It's something that is necessary and it isn't something you wear to make a fashion statement any more than work shoes or socks are.