Trending downwards

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I’m trending downwards again mentally. I joined this board out of desperation back in November and it definitely helped for a bit. My mind switched to the fact that others have this issue, but now it’s back to stressing about it.

The daily diapering, the sneaking around to change and not have anyone know and just feeling like such a loser for not only being forced to wear diapers but not being able to control it and being constantly wet is really starting to affect me.

As mentioned in a previous post, I’m still serving in the military, and people know there’s an issue, to include the potential of cancer (cells showed up in labs) but since my mind is elsewhere and my work is not as good it’s piling on.

All I’ve tried to do is take some time off. I’ve got like 60 days stored up and I was trying to take the whole month off but I keep getting shit for it.

It’s getting to the point that the stress they are causing is is mingling with the stress of everything else and it’s not a recipe to get better. Fuck these people, fuck cancer, fuck incontinence, fuck these diapers.

 

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Hi,

I use the name Greensleeves as that is the color of the uniform I wore in Vietnam. I eventually retired from the military.

I understand the rigors of military life and close proximity of working with others.

If you are enlisted you meed to talk to your senior non-commissioned officer. If you are an officer speak with your commanding officer.

If you aren’t comfortable in working through the chain of command then seek medical assistance.

You have a medical condition that needs to be addressed. Your chain of command or medical facility has the ability to help you.

OEF has left many service members with medical issues requiring long term assistance and accommodation.

You are not alone. Seek help.

Greensleeves

 

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I am in the medical system. It’s only making it worse, especially because the chain of command is learning private medical information about me, and even though they know parts of this they are making it worse for me.

Has all the feels of trying to force me out of the unit so they don’t have to deal with someone with a medical issue.

The worst decision I made was bringing it to medical.

 

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Would you start a topic with a title like "military here?" Greensleeves is a very steady mind and good sounding board. He gets it. I think there are other people also in military. Not everyone reads every post sontevyitle to get your military people to join up who know.

I think hanging in here you will find a lot of us have been angry disillusioned with this issue deeply ashamed,furious in fact, and just hanging in and talking freely has helped many of us to get on with our lives. We inch forward one vent at a time. There's a lot of men with great quiet courage here.
No easy answer for you. Lot of men with prostate issue here though and alot of cancer cells that have been handled.

 

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@Maymay941 I 100% agree. I have been at the f it stage. Even recently. Please keep posting. Just getting it out helps so much. I’m an amputee and even today I got frustrated. I’m not military so I don’t know what it’s like in that regard but I know what it’s like to be angry as hell about my body. I’ve also found therapy helpful. Having someone as a sounding board can do one wonders.

 

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@ExploringResources, I understand the stress you're under, feeling like you have to sneak around to change and to deal with a body that's suddenly not doing what you're telling it to. It'sa tough situation.

I'm not military (my dreams of a military career were derailed by health problems in college) so I can't fully relate to what you're up against, but I can absolutely relate to having a demanding job with chaotic work conditions, and having to deal with incontinence on top of that. It's hard, and the fact that you're slogging through it anyway says a lot about your character and your grit.

Look at it this way: if your chain of command isn't dealing well with the situation, did you have any option but to get medical involved? It may feel to you like you made a mistake, but from where I sit it looks like the only choice you had. Either way, the choice is made, so commit to it and move forward the best way you can.

I admire your toughness and your perseverance. Most people would have already given up by now, but you're still in there fighting the good fight. I thank you for your service, especially knowing that you continue to serve under extremely challenging circumstances.

 

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@ExploringResources hope you’re doing ok today

 

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@ExploringResources I’m so sorry you’re feeling so blue. I think the military sounds like a particularly agonizing place to have incontinence.

For the first three years of my incontinence, I didn’t have this forum and I was suicidal. Believe it or not, you will get more used to it with time.

And yes, fuck cancer. I’ve had two kinds, my ex-husband/good friend is dying of it now, and my best friend’s dad just died of it last week.

 

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Sorry, went dark on here for a few days. The anxiety is mounting massively, and my leadership forced my hand in telling them what’s going on. They weren’t going to renew my orders, but I got a little extension to get diagnosed. But, now they know what’s going on and it was the worst thing that could of happened. Feels like I’m fighting for my job even though I have to deal with what’s going on medically.

Talked to the flight doc, and he non chalantly said that I’ll probably be permanently DNIF which means I can’t fly anymore. There’s a very nice woman who works in mental health I’ve been talking to, and she said she can form an advocacy team. I could either retrain to another job (maybe) or get medically retired out.

Honestly if I can’t fly, medical retirement would be more beneficial. To have to work in a military climate with this is not ideal. Being retired early I could go find a desk job or somewhere that this is easier to manage with no one digging into my business.

They promote privacy, but there’s a complete lack of it. They say they care, but it’s so obvious it’s what they are “supposed” to say not how they actually are.

The people have actually become more of a stressor than dealing with the medical issue.

 

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I love how they're casual about something as life changing as DNIF. It sounds like you're not getting much support from anyone there.

I'll just point out that there is a whole lot of life outside of the military. I don't mean to sound like I'm minimizing the change, or denying what you're going through - it really is a lot. I've found it helpful, though, to remember that life is supposed to be an adventure, and any adventure has its unpredictable parts, setbacks, and struggles. The key is to find the faith that you'll be ok no matter what happens. It may not be what you would have chosen in a more perfect world, but everything that happens opens up new doors to things that you would never had experienced otherwise.

Medical problems killed my dreams of an Air Force career many years ago, but that opened other opportunities that I've had to build a rewarding career, and it certainly hasn't kept me from flying. Maybe I fly a little slower (0 kts IAS), but nothing's going to keep me on the ground!

 

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Exploring glad you checked back in. We take you seriously here.
Time to break free of the shame the machine of the military mind is only people like you and I who will grapple with these same issues so in time. Keep in touch.

 

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@ExploringResources I can relate. Teaching in a small town with incontinence issues was a nightmare - I was so paranoid about the students finding out and I was constantly anxious about disposing of used products. The town had a strict rubbish disposal policy with only one collection every two weeks and so I'd have two massive sacks of used nappies and to add insult to injury the bin bags were see-through to stop people putting recyclable goods in there. Whilst I'd hide them as best I could, I'd always sneak out and put them on the roadside under cover of darkness.

Christ knows how I managed it so long to be honest. The school was awful and with all my physical and cognitive impairments it truly was hell on earth for months on end. It taught me three valuable lessons though - 1) always see the school beforehand (I applied in lockdown), 2) don't live on top of the school you work at and 3) teaching wasn't sustainable with my health issues.

I still struggle with coping about needing nappies since my issues worsened, fortunately my mum's been very matter of fact about it (as she was when I wore them as a kid for bedwetting) and so that's helped. I think the issue is that disability can feel very infantilising in itself and lack of bladder and bowel control only really adds to that feeling.

 

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@sci_fi_fan

I agree, it’s very infantilising. When speaking with a counselor about this (she’s actually very good) she was assuming I felt awful because this is what old people go through and being younger it sends your mind to that.

I told her it’s actually the opposite. I feel very childish. It’s hard to not feel like a complete loser and kid like about it. She pivoted great and said how she never even considered that feeling.

Overall, I think currently my biggest anxiety is actually derived from the unknown. The unknown of why this is happening. The unknown of my career. The unknown of my future. I think over the next few months some of that will subside as I progress through the medical pipeline of diagnosis, as well as coming to terms with my personal future.

I do think getting out of the Air Force all together would probably be best with everything that’s going on. Just a fresh start with new expectations and a personal plan for dealing with life having this issue.

 

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Most importantly you are going to have medical diagnosis for the cause and have support for the emotional journey.
As you navigate this it is also a time where many people change career course in a lifespan.
Try to remember the problems of incontinence are not unique to you and that this can and will strike anyone including the officers overseeing you and ordinary enlisted people.
This is not an attack on manhood for you to have a medical issue but how one treats others with compassion and dignity that makes the mark of a real man. That is always something in YOUR control.

 

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@ExploringResources I completely get what you mean about the unknown. I constantly worry that this is it for me health wise and my life effectively ended at 29 in terms of work, relationships, friendships etc. Going back to university was an attempt to get back out into the world but that's proven too much both physically and mentally. Hope you manage to get stuff back on track and find some direction.

Re the age thing I think one of the issues is that all incontinence products are geared towards two extremes of the age spectrum so depending what products one uses you either end up feeling infatilised or like an old person. Some advertising/branding aimed at a younger adult demographic would be great. It's also an issue I have being autistic as so many products are aimed at kids as people tend to forget that those kids will eventually become adults.

 

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@sci_fi_fan

Actually that’s a great idea. Business wise imagine making certain products geared to different parts of life.

The “active” diapers are more for older people who think they are still active. But, to design something that someone in their 20s or 30s could legit go to the gym with and be fine would be incredible.

I’m picturing like under Armour style compression shorts with built in protection. Washable. Or under armor style where there’s a pocket to slide in a special kind of pad or diaper that’s completely unnoticeable.

I was always a gym goer but it’s tough to go with an actual diaper. The activity there will most definitely cause leaks.

I bet there’s a whole market there.

 

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A big problem for me too is the support. I totally get the whole onesie thing to keep it in place. I haven’t gotten any yet though.

But, To make stretchy jeans or pants that have built in under wear where you could feed the specific disposable in and there’s no worry of it leaking because the design is for this. Public changes would be so easy if it was more of the absorbent products that you pull out and slide the new one in.

Obviously fecal incontinence is a whole nuther thing, but for urinary incontinence it wouldn’t be hard to build.

 

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Ask DPCares he is a good research er and has published on the forum about various types of under water Gary wear(?) And cargo pants. Also it sounds like North shore has black ones. The whole topic is related to men but I've r the posts briefly

 

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@Sci_Fi_Fan Perhaps you will come around to feel more confident with your disability and may even try dating another person with a physical disability. That’s my plan when I’m ready, and/or I’m going to go on ACE (asexual) dating websites because after cancer and a hysterectomy, sex hurts so bad and makes me bleed. It leaves me curled in a ball and hurts for days. Doctors don’t give any shits. There are really expensive “cosmetic“ procedures that can be done that I would wholeheartedly try if I could afford to, but unlike mens’ sexual needs, insurance doesn’t pay for womens’. Ours are considered optional and aging out of sexuality is considered typical. It makes me furious! Intimacy is just as important to women as to men, and important to every romantic couple! But I no longer feel physically attractive anyway AT ALL, so asexuality could be fine with me in the long run. Worth a try, anyway.

 

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@Maymay941 Sure wish there was an optional women-only area here for us. I like seeing what everyone writes, but some things would be better left between females only and sometimes I get completely tired of reading about prostate recoveries; it’s the primary topic here, even more so than diapers. Oh well. I think there might be a whole 7-10 of women active here, often more like five.