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Staff member
I understand the point about choice, but choice should be governed by free will, not by shame.
clickable text has a good discussion of shame versus guilt. In their definition, which closely matches mine, shame is the negative emotion that occurs with the thought, "I'm a bad person." For me, it includes the thoughts, "I'm not worthy of respect," and, "These people will think less of me."
These thoughts, and the shame that goes with them, are likely at the root of a lot of my issues with incontinence. If someone learns of my incontinence, or especially if they see evidence of it, then I feel shame because of my fear that they will think less of me, or that I'm less deserving of their respect. It's all wrapped up with what others think of me, which I don't like. Unfortunately, my fear of what others think of me is not easy to simply set aside.
The question, then, at least for me, is how I can convince myself that others learning of my incontinence will not affect their opinion of me. I don't know why I get so hung up on this point - I don't think less of others when I learn of their medical issues, so I don't know why I expect others to behave differently. (Those who do judge others for their medical problems are generally not people whose opinions I should value anyway, but that gets into the point in the previous paragraph.)
I started out being very self-conscious about how visible it was when I had to wear a diaper in public, but with time and experience I learned that nobody can tell. Now, unless I'm in a situation where I need to undress or pull up my shirt, I rarely think about what I'm wearing unless I have an accident, and even then I don't worry that others will be able to tell. Maybe that's what I need to help overcome the fear that I'll be viewed poorly if others learn of my incontinence: Just as experience wearing diapers in public finally convinced my brain that is essentially invisible, getting more experience letting others know about my incontinence may help to convince me that nobody cares. Not that I need to go advertise my incontinence, but spending less time hiding it from medical people and close friends might help free me from feeling so much shame over it.
clickable text has a good discussion of shame versus guilt. In their definition, which closely matches mine, shame is the negative emotion that occurs with the thought, "I'm a bad person." For me, it includes the thoughts, "I'm not worthy of respect," and, "These people will think less of me."
These thoughts, and the shame that goes with them, are likely at the root of a lot of my issues with incontinence. If someone learns of my incontinence, or especially if they see evidence of it, then I feel shame because of my fear that they will think less of me, or that I'm less deserving of their respect. It's all wrapped up with what others think of me, which I don't like. Unfortunately, my fear of what others think of me is not easy to simply set aside.
The question, then, at least for me, is how I can convince myself that others learning of my incontinence will not affect their opinion of me. I don't know why I get so hung up on this point - I don't think less of others when I learn of their medical issues, so I don't know why I expect others to behave differently. (Those who do judge others for their medical problems are generally not people whose opinions I should value anyway, but that gets into the point in the previous paragraph.)
I started out being very self-conscious about how visible it was when I had to wear a diaper in public, but with time and experience I learned that nobody can tell. Now, unless I'm in a situation where I need to undress or pull up my shirt, I rarely think about what I'm wearing unless I have an accident, and even then I don't worry that others will be able to tell. Maybe that's what I need to help overcome the fear that I'll be viewed poorly if others learn of my incontinence: Just as experience wearing diapers in public finally convinced my brain that is essentially invisible, getting more experience letting others know about my incontinence may help to convince me that nobody cares. Not that I need to go advertise my incontinence, but spending less time hiding it from medical people and close friends might help free me from feeling so much shame over it.