Things we don't say to those we love.

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There was a lot that I did not post yesterday due to trying to wrap my head around everything.

Over the past two years, four months, and twenty-five days I have put a huge amount of emotional stress on my family. The biggest one being my Mom. In 1993 my family experienced the tragic death of my father. My mom remained but that day still haunts her and everyone that knew my father. Throughout the years we as a family have buried more loved ones than I would like to talk about.

On December 20, 2018, my mom and family almost lost me. Now with everything going on with me, it is hard to decide what to tell and what not to. After the hundredth time telling my Mom that I had another accident I started just not telling her. Then when she and my dad came to eat dinner and she saw the chart I keep for how my day is going. After that, she asked a lot of questions. I told her that there was not much point in me telling her everything because it will just upset her.

Well after my Ultrasound we had a long talk. She always has a way of knowing when I truly am not okay. And she saw right through me.

The truth is this has me so stressed out that the only time I unwind is at night playing video games and the little bit of fun I get out of it.

Now, I am looking at more tests. More doctors and I just wish that none of this was happing to me but it is.

My goal has always been the same. To do what I love and am passionate about but the mess and Covid have made it not possible. So right now I am in wait mode. Hopeful that I get to a place where I can at least have a life outside of everything going on.

Tell then, I will keep on keeping on. Watch what I tell those that I love both to protect them but also let them know when I am not okay.

 

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Of course everyone who loves you wants you to be well, thats the nature of love.
Doing your best to get well is also the nature of love. Sorry you are going through is.

 

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FL Guy,
You bring up a very important topic, especially with everything you are going through. To your point I think it’s very important to be thoughtful of those that love and care about us. When my wife and I met I was in a very good place, having overcome the original two accidents that caused my spine and many other injuries.
In 2007 after working all day at my job, I went out to work on our farm for a few hours (City Boy went Country!) and then got on one of my Harleys to run some surrounding country roads to cool off when I was hit by a drunken farm laborer in a truck head on. After coming out of the induced coma, my wife was right there next to me, waiting as she had been for weeks...
She has been through so much, I no longer tell her anything is going on, I just can’t do that to her; it just grinds her beautiful spirit down. She knows me well enough to know when I’m having a bad day, so I try to flip it on her and find something GREAT to talk about!
I know that what your going through can be overwhelming, I’m sorry to hear your going through all this, it can turn days and weeks into a blur. They’re finally lifting the mask mandates, maybe find something new to distract yourself? On really bad days I’ll grab a fishing pole & my dog and walk two blocks (or drive)to the river and drop a line in for a few hours. Mother Nature has some amazingly curative powers, just take a breath and relax for you and your loved ones...
I’m pulling for you!

 

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You are not alone. I often don’t tell my parents things because it is “too much”. They feel powerless. They can’t fix you and it hurts. I have so many things wrong with me and have so many doctors and specialists it’s insane. It’s always something. We aren’t built to last and unfortunately some of us got the shit end of the stick. We just have to take it one day at a time.

 

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I talked to my mom a little bit more today. (I call her every day even though they only live right up the road while they are here in Pa.)

One thing I said was that I understand how stressed out she is with all of this.

Nothing about this is okay and I just wish I had more answers.

I am hopeful for more information on Monday but will see. For now, I am just waiting.

One thing that my mom was asking about was my chart she saw when she was here eating dinner.

My chart is very simple, a calendar with symbols on it for how my day was that let me put down what happened.

I had to explain it to her and that is when she go worried as she did not know that I was having as many accidents as I am.

Nothing new to me but she didn't know so it was upsetting to her.

When she explained it to my dad, the two were like, "You need to show them to your GI doctor so she gets the big picture of what is going on.

So In June, my goal is to get everything out there for GI so that she gets it.

 

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Having that calendar with the symbols for anything that happened to you on a certain day is a really smart thing to do! That way you can readily see if there's a pattern emerging in all of this and that will help you and your medical team try to pinpoint the problem more easily. So that calendar idea is good thinking! Really good thinking in fact!!! And when you show it to your doc she will be more able to help and you won't have to resort to saying so much, "Well, I don't remember!"