Managing the emotional aspect of incontinence

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I would like to think that I manage my urinary incontinence with minimal disruption to the lives around me. Occasionally they feel the need to intervene, which does frustrate me. Because I'm just learning to manage bowel incontinence, my skill in managing that leaves much to be desired. Because there is not much expectation that I'll ever regain control, my hope is that I'll gain more skill in managing that as well.

 

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i am 23 and i have been bed wetting all my life., except it is not often that i have incidents. sometimes i have up to 4-6months of dry nights. i feel ashamed to even discuss this comfortably with my mum. i have had relationships but it never lasts more than 2-3months. now i am in a relationship of almost 2years, he even proposed but i had to decline. i don't know how to tell him this. right now i just fell depressed always. i don't know what to do.

 

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Declining a proposal due to incontinence makes it a much larger obstacle than it needs to be. If you are skilled at managing your condition, be proud and say so upfront. Good luck finding a partner who is supportive, understanding, and gives you the respect that successful incontinence management deserves.

 

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I have had problems with bedwetting since I was 18. It continued throughout my life until I was nearly 65. Then I started having daytime accidents. I was able to deal with the evening problems since it was a very private thing and it never left the house. I dealt with the problem for several years and then went to a councilor. I never realized how much guilt I carried around. I have been able to accept it,and wearing diapers day and night are no longer such an emotion melt down for me. Sometime it really helps to talk about it and how to deal with it. Very difficult for a man to wear diapers, but I am at peace with it now, and the embarrassment has gone. Find the right products (cloth or disposable), and take it one day at a time.

I have found that cloth are best for be and have been able to find a product that is very absorbent that is not visible under my clothing. I am unwilling to use a disposable in a hot environment. Best of luck.

 

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@nvbob

It's not an easy process to navigate and it takes a while. In time, some of us arrive at the place where we are more at peace, just as you describe.

Guilt and embarrassments are very real, but can eventually be put into perspective, just as many of us do in our own unique ways.

I'm all for ways to help lighten our problems. Talking about it (such as here) has helped a lot of us feel less burdened over incontinence managment.

 

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There really needs to be a social setting where we can get together and help one another with this. I was in counseling for quite a while for depression and going to a multi person group setting helped me understand that I am amongst many peers that struggle and we are actually quite normal whatever normal is!! But I will say feeling like I'm not nuts or broken is a huge relief and a needed step to start healing!! So to any of you in the twin cities area of Mn. What eould you think of a group like this?

 

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Being incontinent is a medical problem that affects us emotionally and socially.
Me - I wind up hiking up my skirt and pulling down my pants in the lawn half of the time cause I cannot make it to a toilet in time due to bladder surging over the spillway. Lost it in public, too. Thought everyone would see me and nobody said nothing to me. Thank goodness.
The wet pants thing. I have to have zinc oxide available - that is diaper rash ointment. So I wind up wetting the terrain first. Diaper rash can be really bad and I try to avoid it by wetting the grass instead. Pad catches residual and gets changed. Used to be I didn't notice in between leakage and had unexplainable diaper rash from wet underwear.

 

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Writing helps the mental aspects and reading can help with individual remedies.
IC is still a medical diagnosis.
Yet bedwetting and other IC problems in part according to some people may be from being bullied or sexually harrassed or molested.
Social shame exists for public loss of control and bedwetting and yet maybe some of the problem comes from deeper shame from being a victim of sexual harrassment, sexual or physical assault, or sexual or physical molestation. Intimidation from others can definitely exacerbate my Urge IC
I think mental trauma from bullies can make IC worse. The shame comes from bullies and abusers. The shame also comes from IC itself when we lose it in public. The two combined are swept under the rug quite a bit. I declare not guilty of shame. People who are victims of bullying and sexual abuse in any form are not guilty. Neither are we guilty for our IC. So this is a national not guilty of IC shame statement for myself. Many on here would acquit the other who also has IC when they serve on the jury. As for any sexual predators or other bullies I think you are guilty and should sit in shame and I and others with IC are acquitted from shame. Please NAFC this forum uses our handles for a reason.
Does anybody else share this opinion?

 

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for me it's just time. For some reason we like to potty train kids with shame as the primary motivator. I was a kid in the 80s and I can still hear "only babies wet their beds/pants", "do you want to be a big boy or be a baby". While certainly not intentional, that stuff sticks with us and in a negative way. Later in life if we start having continence issues, all that negative "baby" stuff comes flooding back, and especially if things are at the point where we're considering wearing diapers again.

Even without all this shame that was drilled into our heads, incontinence would still be very tough to deal with as it's such a private function. But it's so badly compounded with this unnecessary shame. It's really no different than any other ailment in which an organ in our body isn't working right, but it's the only condition (or one of very few) that has this shame component.

So for me, it took a lot of time to work through that and move past it. Now I'm at a point where I've accepted my situation, I accept my diaper and I'm getting on with life. But it's still hard sometimes.

I have a 2 and a half year old and we're starting potty training and this is a big thing for me. I'm trying very hard to be conscious of how I'm motivating him. I want to be 100% positive and NEVER use any form of shame. I completely avoid the "big boy or baby" stuff. Who knows what he'll face in the future and if incontinence is ever an issue in his life, I don't want to be the reason he suffers emotionally for it.

 

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Mikejames, thank you for your posting!

 

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An accident in 2013 left me with a spinal injury and paralysis from the chest down. Spasticity and double incontinence are further consequences. All these have been severe blows to my lifestyle, mood and self-esteem.

Such injuries are not compatible with privacy. Before my accident I had occasionally worked as an artists' life (nude) model. Loss of privacy was not as embarrassing as it might have been. Even so I do sometimes feel ashamed by my incontinence. Nurses give me a bowel evacuation on alternate days. I do feel guilt for imposing this on them. Even worse, two of the nurses sometimes leave without having completed the job thoroughly: there is faecal leakage for the carers to clean. Emptying my leg bag is not a task I like to impose on carers or anyone else.

I do not feel embarrassed by being naked but I am concerned that some of the carers are. Some younger carers in particular and those from different cultural heritages stand frozen or leave the room to make breakfast as another carer gives me a strip wash.

I am unsure what those who do not show clear signs of embarrassment are thinking as they attend to me. Some just get on with the job to finish as soon as they can. A few do appear to enjoy what they do.

I am not embarrassed by erections. I do not get them easily, probably more because of my spinal injury than my incontinence. They are important not only for a feeling of well-being and in relationships but also in maintaining hygiene. Carers help me to get out of bed. This includes a strip wash. When washing a penis it is important to clean under the base of the glans, a much easier task when it is erect.

I sleep wearing an incontinence pad held in place with unisex fixation knickers - like women's full-sided briefs without a gusset. While waiting for my carers, each morning I slip them down and make my penis as ready for washing as I can. I keep my foreskin back permanently. A few of the carers will squeeze my testicles as they wash my scrotum and pull back my foreskin even further so that they can wash my glans thoroughly. 'And how are you today darling?' said one as she arrived. I am not sure whether she meant my well-being in general or how many inches, but I took it to be the former.

 

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Well here is my thoughts. Bedwetting started for me as a teen for no reason, just woke one day wet, then a few months latter wet again. It was occasional once every month or so and a huge source of shame for me. I hid it from my parents by using a plastic garbage bag on my bed as a mattress protector and washing my sheets and underwear in the time between when they left for work and before I had to leave for school. I was so ashamed and demoralized on those mornings I'd wake wet, laying there in my wet underwear and sheets waiting for them to get up and leave for work so that I could then get out my pissy bed and underwear and get me and everything else cleaned up. Over time I grew to accept that it was part of who I was and to just deal, but was still total embarrassment. And to continue into adulthood was just humiliating even though I was the only one who knew it was happening.

Had ups and downs with my feelings on my bedwetting so I get it. Hear to listen and talk with anyone else who cares to support each other with this issue.

 

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Hi Jaytee,
There are many products available to help with bedwetting. Why not have a look on the Internet? And do try and tell your problem to those who are close to you. If they will help, it will make it all much less difficult for you.

 

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@BarrySimpson94

Hi Jaytee,
There are many products available to help with bedwetting. Why not have a look on the Internet? And do try and tell your problem to those who are close to you. If they will help, it will make it all much less difficult for you.

Thanks Barry, Those closest to me do know, I even told my mom after all these years. I only bedwet occasionally so a bed pad works for me at home.

 

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I have suffered from urge incontinence for approximately four years now, due to diabetic neuropathy that has affected the nerves of my bladder. I wear adult diapers daily, nearly 24/7, to manage this condition. I well understand and can relate to all the emotional aspects of suffering from incontinence. About three years ago one December day, I had a very rare and singular panic and anxiety attack that was related to my wearing adult diapers. I am a survivor of multi-spectrum abuse from my former adopted mother (she passed away in 2002). Part of that abuse was being rushed and shamed into toilet training and continence when I was only a toddler back in the early 1970's. The day I suffered the panic attack, the combined experience of my incontinence and having to wear adult diapers triggered a flood of very unpleasant memories of the traumas I experienced as a small boy many years ago (I am 49 at present).

In my opinion, I believe it is very important to have a supportive, listening, caring accepting friend, therapist, or better still, doctor, who will listen to your concerns, worries, and fears, about managing your condition of incontinence, and will be there to support you, encourage you, and help you find the best solution to managing your condition of incontinence. As for me, having to wear adult diapers on a daily basis has proven to be a minor inconvenience, and not the "end of the world." In fact, I have not only grown to accept adult diapers as part of my life, I find that I even derive a certain modicum of emotional and psychological benefit from wearing them. This is largely due, I believe, to accepting myself as a talented, intelligent, human being who just happens to suffer from incontinence. Incontinence does not rule my life. It is simply another medical condition that I must manage to the best of my ability. It is a form of disability that I have learned to overcome. By overcoming incontinence, and having a positive attitude, I have learned to be a better, stronger, more capable person. I hope this helps some of you with the emotional aspects of managing your condition of incontinence as well.

 

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Smo1968, thanks for that post. It was much needed today.

 

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I can understand the mixed feelings some problems when growing up then stopped.When I reached 50,s started up again finally talked to my wife pro,s and con,s then strongly urged diapers and pants to keep her dry.This was a crushing blow to the male ego but have adjusted.

 

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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, so I apologize if the topic has been posted before. I have been incontinent since my combined prostatectomy and diverticulotomy. My surgery was nearly 13 months ago. Before my surgery, I did have some issues with incontinence due to lots of bladder retention. Apparently, I have a very large bladder which causes me to have little if any sensation that it is filling until it's too late. The anxiety level of not knowing if you are going to have a good day, and get by without wearing a diaper, or a not so good one. I have tried when at home, but without much success. I asked my wife if maybe I should just wear a diaper 24/7 just in case, and to lessen my anxiety level. She seemed okay with my decision. My question is. Am I giving up? I know there are procedures/surgeries to help with incontinence, but I'm through with having things attached, stuck in me, etc. I have also read that these devices can cause problems. In addition, I have read that incontinence can return after being dry for some time. Is this a myth, or fact? Sorry for all the rambling. I just started typing, and all this started to surface.

 

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Hi fellow incontinence Warriors!

I have urge incontinence probs. for the past 5 months.

The only comment I can make about this is-

"It really pisses me off" (No pun intended)

Just one man's opinion here.

 

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One more comment comes to mind.

For the past 5 months I been trying to deal emotionally with this
OAB madness. I have mostly been whining (with no cheese)to my Wife
abut how this wetness is "Demoralizing, Demeaning, and just
plain stressful. My Wife finally sez to me, Man Up. She asked me
if I was a Man or a Mouse.

I replied "Squeak Squeak". :|