Learning to open up to others

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I am a 51 year old male who has been learning to manage severe incontinence over the past four months. A back injury from a skiing accident has left me with no bladder control and limited bowel control thus I am completely dependent on a diaper. I have come to terms with my need to wear a diaper, as I really do not have a lot of choice. The problem I have is fearing people's reactions when they find out. I have been working from home, but in a couple weeks I will be returning to the office and interacting with people in person on a daily basis for the first time since the accident.

I know some of my fear is due to the fact that this change has been difficult for my wife. She still feels enough embarrassment about the situation that she prefers to try to ignore it a much a possible. While most of our lives together continue as before, it has been hard for me not to have someone openly accepting of the situation. My fears have also been enhanced by the reaction I have received from medical staff. While always professional, they often seem a bit surprised by my use of diapers.

I never want to advertise my condition, but I would love to feel more comfortable talking about it if and when the subject comes up. So far the few people who know seem as embarrassed/uncomfortable as I am, which does not give me a lot of confidence going forward.

I would love to hear how open and comfortable others are when talking about there situations, or if there is always an element of embarrassment and discomfort.

 

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Greetings On the Water,

First of all you are not alone. Many people have to deal with incontinence issues for various reasons.

Now that you have come to terms with your condition and how you will deal with it, you have cleared the highest hurdle you will face.

I imagine your boss and work colleagues already know of you ski accident. You are under no obligation to confide your post accident condition to any of them. If you think that your condition may have an impact on your job performance my recommendation is to confide in you boss your situation and tell him/her how you are handling the changes in your daily routine.

Remember you have already cleared the highest hurdle, coming to terms with your new condition. Who you confide in and what you tell them will be determined by your own comfort level with that person and how much you you want to confide in them.

Greensleeves

 

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Hi,
It is something we all have to accept. I had an accident at home yesterday where I was not happy with myself. After I cleaned up, I got depressed. Then I said to myself, could be worse. I am getting over a urinary track infection. I am a brain tumor survivor and there is not one member that I know of in our group who did not have incontinence. People don't realize the brain controls everything that our body does. When you fill out the forms in a medical doctor's office always add the incontinence. This way they know right from the beginning. I am always asked about incontinence when I get an infection. My answer is I always had it. Not too many people have brain tumors and survivor for 10 years like I did even though mind was not cancerous. I was blessed I did not have a stroke. So I can do my exercises at home to help control it. I noticed last night that when I did go number 2, I have less control over number 1. So I never thought of that before. So I think this is a good thing. Also I do not recognize the number 2 as well as the number 1. I feel this is a lost of nerve control in the brain. I will bring this up to my urologist next time I see them. So it is what it is, do not be embarrassed. You had damage and it is ok to say your bowels were damaged. A lot of people wear a bag these days and we are not even aware of it. So do not be embarrassed, it is a part of life. Better than the alternatives. I am sure some of know of issues with parents or grandparents.

 

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That was very well said, @BarbaraDrabek. You have a very philosophical approach to incontinence and that is the way it really should be for everyone so affected. It is so true that it is a part of life and it definitely is much better than the alternative!!!!
As for wearing a bag, we'd probably be surprised how many people have that, and no one is any the wiser!!!!

 

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Feel your pain. Today, talking with my wife is more in a joking, side comment. Long discussions are good to convey feelings and answer questions though it is a long way away from being a dinner topic. Should it ever? Accept yourself, enjoy life. Find something to be grateful about each day.

Work is tough, myself have not fully adjusted either as much as I try to normalize it. At your age, 51, you might feel stuck as age factors can limit your career choices. Talk with your wife about was is really important. Re-think the American dream BS.

Short-term, talk with your manager about splitting time between home and the office. Though this doesn’t solve the worry, just frequency.

I work for myself now which, has less anonymity but, office politics (gossiping) are gone-ish. When I was in the office, thin cloth backed protection, frequent changes, timed voiding, and inverted hydration schedule was my strategy. Also, I never went to a meeting or anyone’s office with a wet product. Might be extreme to others on the board but, it was what I had to do for my mental well being.

Now…It’s small things mostly that bother me. E.g., hyper-aware of others walking behind me, underwear squeaks, dog noses, and fountains.

 

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Hi @JustMochi, Actually going to a meeting or into someone's office with a wet product is never a good idea!!! You were smart to always change before going there! After all, with all of the meetings I have been to, it's impossible to tell for sure just how long a meeting will last. When you think it will be a short meeting it will invariably drag on and on because someone is sure to throw a monkey wrench into the whole works!!! And risk wearing something wet at a time like that???? Uh-uh! I don't think so!!! So your policy of never going to a meeting or to someone's office with a wet product is not extreme to me, it's just plain ol' common sense!!!!

 

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For me the best advice anyone gave me and |I think it was on here was "To own it" which I took as meaning accept what you cannot change and make the best of it. I am lucky my wife doesn't see my incontinence and nightly bedwetting as a problem. In fact she said to me early on when I was miserable about it."For Gods sake wear a nappy and get on with your life" My wife is very pragmatic and this tough love actually helped me get a grip. I decided that that is the right approach. So what I can't control my bladder but I still can do everything I love in life and if anyone has a problem with me being in nappies then tough.
When I first switched to them 24/7 I was very concious opf the fact and was worried if people could tell I was wearing a nappy or large pad. Gradually I realise if they could no one was bothered by it. All my friends and family know and it isn't a big deal. In 10 years I have only been outed by a kid who I heard telling he mother "That mister is wearing a nappy". By that time it didn't bother me and I just smiled at her.
I once had a lady glare at me as I| came out of a disable toilet so I smiled sweetly at her and said I am incontinent and was just changing my adult nappy/ I enjoyed seeing her squirm and wish the ground would swallow her up.
True it can be awkward at times and sometimes embarrasing but it can be managed and life is still worth living.

 

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Hi @Stevewet, That put-down you gave that lady as you came out of the disabled toilet was a real classic!!! I wish I could have seen that!!! I love it when people are put in their place when they so richly deserve it!!! It sounds like you are a real "go-to" when dealing with people who "out" you and the rest of us can really learn from you! I think you're going to do great!!!!

 

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Thanks @billliveshere for the validation.

 

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You're very welcome, @JustMochi! I know what you mean about small things bothering you. And that's especially people walking behind you! I guess you could say I'm hyper-aware of that too, especially if they are wearing noisy shoes and it's a constant clip-clop right behind me!!!

 

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Congratultions @stevewet. What a great comeback to the lady who tried to shame you for using the disabled toilet. Your response was so confident and measured.
You showed exactly what it means to "own it".
That said; this kind of reaction is something I absolutely dread, and it limits my trips away from home a lot. Unless I'm very familiar with changing facilities I won't risk this kind of incident. And since I'm completely dependent on pads I find myself staying at home a lot. Essentially I attend medical appointments and not much else. Understanding of invisible disabilities is sadly lacking in the wider community. It would be good if this got more publicity and discussion.

 

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I used to be ashamed of my condition but have learned to get on with life now and don't let my incontinence and dependence on nappies or pads stop me doping anything I want.

 

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I always used the handicap toilet when I am out. I have for years, I think woman are more accepting of incontinences. MOre of us have it.

 

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My doctors, immediate family, and a few very close friends know about my incontinence and the fact that I wear diapers to manage it. I have no idea how many other people may have noticed the diaper bulge in my crotch and the seat of my pants. However, nobody over the more than 30 years that I’ve been wearing a diaper wherever I go has ever said anything about it. The kind of underwear that one wears is not something that is frequently discussed amongst friends and acquaintances.I have no idea whether most of my male friends wear boxer shorts or knitted briefs. It’s even possible that someone I know wears a diaper without my knowing it. In any case, I’ve stopped thinking (let alone worrying) about what someone might know or think about my underwear. The only question that has ever arisen has been posed by a few doctors who have asked why I wear diapers instead of a sheath connected to a leg bag. The answer to that question is that I prefer diapers.

 

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This has helped me a lot over the last 18 months.



Prayer for Serenity
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

 

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Thanks- I needed this tonight. Blessings say well-you are right this stuff is al ltemporaty-it is not eternal. We must remember this always to keep our insanity. Just got done writing an up loading a bunch of crap in the portal to workmen comp on my appeal. I really don't like them at all. I am sure the Lord has something planned for me in this. I know hw never gives us more than we can handle please Lord don't trust me so much.

 

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Well, Barbara, we can also think of it this way: I'm also sure the Lord has something planned for all of those who administer and give customer "service" at the workmen's comp offices. For all of the hell and red tape they put recipients through, those bureaucrats will get their comeuppance!! It may not be right now but it will be someday!!!
As they say, what goes around comes around!!! (or something like that!)

 

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Amen to that. billiveshere.