Most of us know exactly how you're feeling....Your post really got me, I have to say. It gave me flashbacks to when I started wearing. Feel like I need to help, if I can.
I had such a hard time taping my first "real" diaper on. I felt so miserable, embarrassed, and defeated. Honestly, the first time I used a guard, and then a pullup I had a really hard time with it. But going to full, tape on diapers is a huge "milestone" and it's emotionally very very difficult for a lot of people.
I have a story for you. I don't usually tell this story in such detail, but I can SO relate to your post. I want you to understand why I now "love" diapers (don't get me wrong, I hate my IC and hate wearing diapers....but I "love" them because of what they do for me....) So....
When my daytime problems began, maybe a month or 2 after my bedwetting started I was shocked to be having day time problems....I was definitely in denial about it and tried to rationalize it away. It got to the point where I said, "ok look pal you need to at least wear a depend pullup on the 1+hour train commute or you're gonna have real problems". I went to CVS, bought them (probably spent an hour lurking around the aisles waiting for no one to be around etc)....I was having relatively small accidents at that time, and not a lot of them. It was mostly urgency and frequency and the pullups were really "just in case" and just for the commute. I would change into regular underwear as soon as I got to work, and then back into a pullup for the ride home. Now, at this point I was wearing taped on diapers at night, so had some familiarity with them, but the idea of EVER wearing a taped on diaper out of the house was a total NON STARTER.
I did ok with the pullups for a while. Until I didn't. And I learned the lesson in the worst way. I was waiting for a train on the subway platform to go home from work. I voided just before leaving the office as I always did and had my pullup on. It was like any other day and I totally expected to have no problems or at most lose a few ounces into my pullup.
The train was delayed due to signal problems a few stops back for almost a half hour. Suddenly I really really had to go. No bathrooms there and lots of people around. Can you guess where this is heading? My urge went from 0 to 60 in a matter on seconds. Within a minute I gushed probably 12 or more ounces, totally overwhelmed my depends pullup and had classic "pee pants" complete with wet crotch and leg, with pee running out the bottom of my pants and onto the platform. My heart started racing, I started sweating, thought i was going to have a panic attack. People literally moved away from me and I was just standing there with wet pants, a soggy and defeated pullup, alone with people trying to get away from me and NOWHERE to go. Luckily the train came a few mins later (felt like forever) and I rode for almost an hour, standing on the subway, head down, khakis wet, with people trying to to get caught staring at me every time I looked up.
I went to work the next day, and every day after that in a real diaper. I was late for work because I stared at myself in the mirror a hundred different ways to see if you could tell I had a diaper on. I went out to the kitchen 100 times to ask my wife if she could tell and made her reconfirm every time she said she couldn't....trying to figure out if she was trying to make me feel better or was truly being honest that "you can't tell". At that time I was sleeping in Abena L4s and that's what I began wearing pretty much 24/7 since then. I've long since switched to Better Dry as my go to. Honestly to this day I'm not entirely certain if other people immediately can tell or if it just looks like I have a juicy caboosey.
I've never looked back...not that I could now as I have almost no control at all.
Point is, a diaper no matter how embarrassing is SO MUCH BETTER than a humiliating public accident. And, after a while you really do get kind of used to them. I'll always wish my IC could be cured and that it will go away, but I know, for me, it won't. But you don't know that yet. So please exhaust every medical treatment you can tolerate. Use diapers for now. Don't think about being in diapers for ever....you very well may not be in them forever...Cross that bridge when you come to it. But for now, wear the protection YOU KNOW is right for you.
While diapers just won't be as discreet as pullups, they're 1000 times more discreet than soaked pants in public, or at work, or at Christmas dinner with your family. Dress around them and 99.9% of people will never know you're wearing it. I've been in diapers for 5 years and as far as I know, my wife and doctors are the only people who know I wear them. They're really just not that obvious under your clothes....we just think they are because we're hyperaware of them, especially in the beginning.
none of this is any fun. support sites like this one are awesome for this reason though. We're here for you!
. I am way beyond that and I just try to relay useful information to individuals who want to make their lives better and accept and let go.