Humiliation during Upbringing

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Hey Guys,

Just wanted to reach out and see if anybody can relate to some personal traumatic experiences. This might get rough - so *Trigger Warning* Please be advised.

About a year ago, i posted a story about my dad mentioning my bedwetting growing up and i made my step dad out to be this tremendous hero. I love both my dads, biological and step - but theres some history of abuse and neglect on my dad's side involving my step mother and a caretaker i used to go to growing up.

But after i got out of rehab in May of 2020 - i had to start to swallow the reality of my childhood.

For example, one time i was around 9-10 years of age and my dad and step mom took me into the basement and told me if my accidents didnt stop happening they were going to take me to the grocery store, buy a pack of diapers and make myself walk around the block in them as punishment.

Its horrible what some kids goes through for toileting conditions - and to be honest its something i wish was more talked about; because it affects you tremendously. I remember getting humiliated at the babysitters for pants wetting, and because of the rage my dad had growing up, i suffered from fear based accidents. I was a delayed kid. It wasnt diurnal enuresis per-se; i suppose you could call it that as when it happened, i had no control - but it caused me to wet the bed on and off for a number of years until i was in middle school.

When it came back, i just couldnt mentally handle having a bladder control problem. It was like everything about my childhood was coming back - and i didnt want anything to do with it. When my bladder incontinence got worse in early 2020 and i started suffering from nightly episodes and daytime incidents - just shy of rehab, i didnt know what to do.

I didnt want to wear a brief (diaper). Its probably the biggest thing i didnt want to do. Its still a hard pill for myself to swallow. But im managing.

Thank you for taking the time for reading this. If there is any young adult or adult out there thats having a hard time accepting things, your not alone.

Take care, HC

 

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That is very strong and brave to share this. May sharing your truth give you peace and relieve you of the burden ofsilece for your familys misguide behavior as you grow in self compassion for what was not yours to suffer.

 

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Amen Maymay, Amen. Thank you. Blessings -

 

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Addendum
That was the nice me speaking. But i have the world's shortest fuse for bullying children and other living things so here's a little story for you.
I work long hours in dog rescue and I was on my way to a meet event for adoptable dogs in the rescue. I went to the supermarket and bought bottle water for the dogs at the event and a pack of pee pads for my own six elderly rescues at home.
An older man in line snickered about just rub the dogs nose in it that will teach them. I turned on him and said very audibly,"when YOU need diapers I hope your caregivers will remember YOUR advice".
Funny thing I wasn't incontinent at that time myself but ive never forgotten my rage. And incontinence is truly a life altering daily scourge.
So to your father and stepmoter in the past here's a hearty F U and I hope they become incontinent.
I'm not a kind person to bullys.

 

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I love it! ❤ standing up for our animals. That's a pure heart of gold!

Let me tell you, developing Overactive Bladder Syndrome, Borderline Personality Disorder and just overall the past two years PLUS Covid-19..

Incontinence made me very bitter, but I have found some really good people on here that have helped me through it.

 

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Speak of your strengths Friend, identify with your strengths. You got some great survival skills there and clearly a sensitive soul.
Toss the past in the trash.

 

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Honeeecombs, so sorry you ahd to go through all this, it is tough. I know. I try not to let stuff brother me but I am not a Saint and it does sometimes. MY Father was an alholic and screwed everyone of us kids up. WE all married one, having bad marraiges and it was passed down to some of the nieces and nephews. I sure it will be passed down to their kids as well. The mental abuse is worst sometimes than the physical abused because they are not outward signs at first. People being uneducated didn't even think for a moment that they might be comething wrong with a person for the cause of this behavior. My sister's bot hsaid to me what does having abrain tumor have to do with incontinence. Well everyone of the memebers of my brain tumor support group when we were meeting regually pre covid had issues with this. They don't even tell you or ask you. IF you don't say something no one says anything to you. I had to learn everyone on my own throug htrial and error. I have to say when I had my shoulder surgery this last June 8, the surgeon told me first thing it takes 6 months to heal. One cannot rush the body. NO one told me anything about my injury that it would take 6 months to heal. How am I supposed to know if no one educates you. I starting exersiing to early with weights and screwed up my left knee. It has a torn meniscus which got worse. It is a bummer to say the least. I am so very unhappy with this. I could cry sometimes. I need to get back to walking to strenghen my core and my hip. I just started walking outside the pool 2 years ago and my bone density went up for the first time. My lower spine didn't ,my left hip did. So I need to start walking again to say the least. Talk later-blessings-I learned benevolenc in therapy, forgving for they knew no better. Do it for yourself, this is the person who head one puts on the pillow at night. Think kind thoughs, knowing one day we will be with the Lord. All this is temporary, it is not eteranl. Jesus is waiting for us, Our Father knows everyhair on your lovely head. Stay Well. Blessings-

 

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Hi @Honeeecombs, Letting it all out as you did here is very good therapy and you know you have friends here who know how you feel and can offer genuine sympathy and support. You are facing these past ghosts head on and that's the way to deal with it!!! You're not hiding from it but getting everything out into the open which is extremely admirable!
I think you are a winner and a survivor as well as having a lot to offer and don't ever forget that!!! Please don't feel embittered over incontinence. After all, who is perfect?? Even if there were such a thing, I know I would not care to know someone like that. And believe me I've met some people who thought they were perfect and didn't want anything to do with them!!! Nothing to offer with those folks!
I like Maymay's advice to just chuck the past in the trash!! You are here now and the life you lead right now is what matters. And remember, those who belittled you will get their comeuppance!!! Karma will bite them in the you-know-where!!!!

 

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Hi @BarbaraDrabek, Do start walking again!!!! Find a course that you can handle and start walking that!!! Set a goal for a time and distance and as you build up your stamina just do a little more each day than you did the day before! And I know how in Florida everything is dominated by rampant roads and insane drivers everywhere!!! If that's the case, find a park or a nature preserve with trails, or if push comes to shove walk a course at your local mall. Find out how many times around the mall makes a mile. But when you're walking, you get to see, hear, sense and smell things you would miss if you only depended on driving to go everywhere. Being out in nature does help you feel better!!!!

 

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@billiveshare-I live in an RV park where walking is easy. It is the pain in my knee which I screwed up by doing leg extenions with weights in the gym which I should not have been doing. I think both the medical people and myself is at fault. I should have explain what I meant by going back into the gym. No one ask me any questions about it and I did not explain that I was using weights. I thought why else would I go to a gym. I can do stuff at home without machines. I might have mention the name using machines-no one caught it and noe one explain to me it takes so long for the body to healed. I am pissed at this whole thing. worksmen's comp is awful. No one is there to help you in the medical field. We have other things which go wrong with us. No one is there to corridanate it all. I am not a Doctor, I have come not to truat them to much also. Medicience has become all about money anymore. I notice medicare does not reimburse that much anymore for hte different procedures. With all this governemtn spending, I am afraid. I do not know where the money is going to come from to pay for things. I realy don't. Take care and I did walk today. I am getting out of sharp and the spa is not enough exercise for me. Blessings-Stay Well-I hope I typed this one better. I noticed I had a lot of typos before. Sorry.

 

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I can definitely relate to the trauma. My parents were not nice at all about my wetting. Being the oldest kid getting forced into a diaper for bed on the living room in front your 2 younger siblings is not something parents should think is ok.
I still bedwet to this day due to PTSD of my childhood which makes it twice as frustrating since it's basically my mind that causes my issue. Therapists and doctors have been of no help. So there were numerous incidents that made my problem worse. I always wonder of they handled my wetting problem differently, if I wouldn't be cursed with this problem as an adult.

 

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@Honeeecombs

You are very brave for sharing your story.

The fact is a lot of the messed-up things that happen to us in life are done by the very people that should love us the most.

It is also a sad truth that some people never got the help they need because their parents never tried to help.

 

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Thanks guys; yeah - sometimes the people that hurt us the most; are the ones we care about the most.

My step mother once told me on a night my dad was plowing the city streets in the winter, that my younger half brother didn't love me. He was only a baby then. I had to have been 13 years old when that occurred.

In regards to the Bedwetting, it was something that was sporadic growing up - and as I only slept at my dad's house 4 nights out of the month - luckily even when I wore disposable underpants; I swore my mom and step dad to not talk about it when I was little - because I was afraid of my dad and step mom. I used to pack pull-ups in my book bag and bring them home in a plastic bag on Sunday.

After the divorce and during my preschool years, he would send me home diapered and it would frustrate my mom as she was trying to toilet train me.

In regards to my caretakers home, I hated going there. I remember being so humiliated having accidents and being punished. My mom would ask me why I hated going there - but because of the fear I had of my dad at that time. She never got it out of me.

So whenever I did soil myself - I was belittled. So I can't even imagine what life would have been like constantly in that enviornment. My step mom would call me a baby for speech issues growing up as well.

"Stop talking like a baby!"

Take care guys, I had enough of the past few days. Laying it on the table.

Goodnight.

 

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@Honeeecombs You're not alone there my friend. This will trigger a lot of emotions for a lot of people I think.

I was bullied in the school toilets when I was 6 or so years old. Older kids would be in the toilets and would pee on you if you tried using the urinal trough and if you went into a cubicle to try and go to the toilet, they would set fire to the toilet roll and throw it over the cubical wall at you. It frightened me so much that I often wet myself during classes or messed myself because I was too frightened to go to the toilets during break time.

This trauma continues to this day and I have great difficulty going in any public toilets if I go out. Thankfully the NHS have supplied me with external catheters, leg bags and intermittent catheters so I can get by with relative ease these days but sometimes I just wish I could use toilets normally when I go out.

 

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thank you for sharing this post.

growing up with an abusive mother, and a lot of miss understanding from her, I can really relate to this.

I even had it from some of the teachers too which was not cool, and 1 woman forced me to miss a school trip because of my issues around accidents

I don't know what was worse growing up. being bullied by the kids and teachers at school, or coming home to physical and emotional stuff from mom

 

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Honeeecombs - Talking out your hurts is the very best healing available and usually it takes years to get free of the pain. First is finding a sincere listener who you can feel vulnerable with, and it looks like you've found several of those kind of people on this forum. Also writing it out in a journal or on your computer is excellent because everything you write out can remind you of some other buried hurt. Get it all out. I'm so sorry that you've had all this to deal with for so long. It is hard to forgive the people who have hurt you while you're still living the pain. Hopefully that will come along. Being a parent and then a grandparent helped me to see my own parents as people who had their own problems to deal with and who knows what they went through and then passed on. Continue to be patient.

 

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My father was an alcoholic. He hated me. He told me that I would never amount to anything, and yelled at me everyday for stuff that he made up. I was nervous and depressed all the time. I started talking with a stutter. That is when my incontinence started. But fortunately the alcohol killed him, and my life is now much better. My speech impediment is gone, but I still have the incontinence. I try not to think about all the bad times. There is no way to fix the past. It is best to bury it.

 

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jamie326 - You probably don't mean bury it, but put it behind you. However, as four hours ago when you shared this you may have helped some other person who has been trying to bury some hurtful past. I have found that sometimes taking out an old memory and looking at it from a new angle or perspective helps me to keep going forward. I saw something when I was 6 years old from the viewpoint of a 6-year-old. Now that I'm ----OMG 84, I can see it differently. Or maybe ------not. But it's worth a try.

 

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One last story. You guys have been so kind.

When I left College in 2014; I was 21. My younger brother was being babysat at the time by a teenager who was our local chief of police's son.

They came home from the summer program after lunch and I stopped over unknowingly but was heartbroken because I never was able to get the responsibility of being able to watch my younger brother. I never got to really spend much time with him growing up.

So when I came home, I told the chiefs son he was relieved of his duties and I watched my younger brother for two hours until my dad got home. I remember because we watched SpongeBob together.

My dad gets home, and he's furious. Because he was scared that my younger brother would tell my step mom that I watched him for two hours.

I started unloading on the double standards and my memories from own upbringing; and my dad got pissed and stood up and took his finger at me and told me that I needed to shut my "F-N" mouth and he threatened to take away my car. And I walked out of the house with tears in my eyes at the unfairness of it all.

Take care guys, this will be my last message with the NAFC.

In this thread I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

 

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@Honeeecombs Sorry to hear you had such a rough upbringing.

It's awful that as kids we're often chastised for accidents when it's something we have no control over. Fortunately my parents were pretty good about about it on the whole but I did find it annoying that I'd be rewarded and/or promised rewards for dry nights when it wasn't something I had any control over.

I remember a few times when I was chastised for daytime accidents and threatened with nappies but it never happened and my parents eventually just accepted it was an issue I had and never talked about it as I got older. I got good at hiding it at school but evidently my parents were still really aware of my issues as my trousers would be laundered every night and then my suit trousers dry cleaned once a week when I was in the Sixth Form. I imagine they just thought I'd grow out of eventually.

Looking back it's funny that as a kid I was so preoccupied with hiding my issues when I could have just spoken to someone about ways to get around it. I did actually look at pull ups online when I was in the Sixth Form (16-18) as as the week progressed my trousers would smell pretty ripe and I'd become super self-conscious. I didn't get any though and just muddled on though the wet trousers and underwear. I do find it funny that my parents never said anything to me about it on reflection though. I mean it must have cost them a ton!

It was awkward when I started using protection as an adult and told my parents because my incontinence issues had always been the 'elephant in the room' as it were. I think the problem is that wearing protection is something that's used as a threat for kids and seen as something regressive. Had my parents actually spoken to me about it and discussed options in a matter of fact way it could have saved me years of embarrassment. The fact that my autism went undiagnosed also probably contributed to that.