@brinnybee Welcome to the forum. There aren’t very many women here but we will do our best to surround you with warmth and refuge. I haven’t had a miscarriage nor a child, but I’ve held the hand of many a friend and family member who have miscarried. The sorrow is one of the most overwhelming types of grieving I’ve witnessed. You are not alone in your sadness. I think you probably feel exactly how the rest of us would feel if we were in your shoes right now.
As for the frequent urge to pee, it’s not all in your head. Many women experience urinary stress for the rest of their lives following a pregnancy. But it sounds like you might have an infection. In the U.S., a urinary test is given every time a pregnant woman has an exam. Unfortunately England seems to be extremely cheap and underfunded in their medical care practices. My mum is English and I have many rellies there, including several who have died of problems that would’ve been easily corrected or prevented had they been in an America hospital instead of one in the UK. It’s baffling that you haven’t had tests. Other than just a simple pee test, there are several kinds of important urinary tests that one may undergo for diagnosis. There are medications that you can try, if your gynecologist says they’re permitted while you’re pregnant.
Have you seen a specialist, like a urologist? From your report, it sounds as if you have only seen a general practitioner, or perhaps a gynecologist. But you must see a urologist for a urinary problem. I know it’s very challenging in the UK system to get to the right kind of help that you need to be able to get into a specialist. Other people here have reported about what an uphill battle it is to get the appropriate care where you are. I’m not sure how to advise you because we don’t know all the ins and outs of the way your medical care system works. Perhaps for the sake of your next pregnancy and your current situation, you should purchase a private insurance plan so you can get the medical attention that you so need.
@Sci-Fi-Fan (hope I’m spelling that right!) is a member on the forum here who has some insight about how to get what you want out of the medical system in the UK. I have tagged him so that hopefully he may have some advice to share with you.
I can sympathize with being afraid of sex. I have nerve damage in my spine and I’ve had a partial hysterectomy, which means I now have horrible pain when I have sex, and for up to two days after. So I just avoid it. It’s unpleasant, unsettling, and devastating to miss out on what the rest of the world enjoys. It can feel isolating. I suggest reading any self-help books that you can about how to enjoy yourself and relax during sex, and any self-help books about how to manage anxiety. You may need a psychiatric medication to help you get through this spell, though so many medication can’t be taken during pregnancy. I’m sure there’s some kind of psychiatric medication you could take while pregnant, just to help you just get through this season in your life. You are in quite a bind. I do think that once you get past this tough point in your marriage and your creation of a family, your sexual desire will likely return to normal when you have less pressure on yourself, so if you’re worried that your fear is permanent, don’t be too worried about that.
Can you take a break for a couple of years before you try pregnancy again, to give yourself a chance to emotionally and physically recover and balance out?
Have you tried doing physical relaxation exercises before having sex, such as this?
Progressive muscle relaxation helps control stress and anxiety – and could help you sleep. Learn more from WebMD.
www.webmd.com
Have you heard of a pessary? Google it and see if it’s something you think might help you. Several of my friends who have had multiple pregnancies must use them. If you try one, and it doesn’t help, there are literally hundreds of others to try, and you may have to try a few to find the one that works the best for you.
I agree with @Maymay941 that you should receive therapeutic counseling, a.k.a. “talk therapy.” if your sessions with your husband are not helping you as much as you would like, please try individual therapy instead, or in addition to, the couples’ therapy.
If you have an overactive bladder, and have any leaks, I will tell you the hard truth: diapers and incontinence pads are your best friends! Wearing a diaper is like wearing glasses: diapers are a tool that help you get through life. It’s emotionally overwhelming to get used to wearing them in the beginning, but they ultimately allow you to relax through life. If you try wearing incontinence pads, be sure that you’re not using menstrual pads instead because the distribution and placement of the padding material is different in an incontinence pad than in a menstrual pad. I have seen several members here on the forum say that in the UK, the brand named TENA offers the best diapers.
Did you know it’s Mothers Nature’s way of keeping a woman clean by making her have to pee immediately following sex? Even if she went pee right before sex, she will need to pee after sex. So if you feel that urge, then do go pee, because holding it in cause you a lot of problems such as infections.
Some women definitely get more infections than other women. Often, if they change partners, the infections may go away. Have you and your husband both been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? I’m not accusing you of anything, STDs are very common and have been since the dawn of humankind. They’re nothing to be ashamed of. Most can be cured by simply taking an antibiotic. But, for instance, if your husband is giving you an infection every time you have sex, then he probably also needs to take an antibiotic to clean out his system.
Do you have Planned Parenthood or something similar in the UK? I agree with Maymay that they would attend to your most tender needs as a woman, and possibly at a low cost. They charge on a sliding fee based on your income. They often have a female gynecologist and female nurses working there. Female practitioners can relate to you a lot more than any man, and consequently, they are more gentle and helpful.
Something you can do to prepare to see a urologist is to try to make a journal about how often you pee, and how much. If you can, measure the quantity, as well as the frequency, and write it down so they can better understand your complaint. Do this for at least one week and possibly two weeks. That will help them be able to diagnose your condition.
You must be forthright when you speak with your physician(s) so that they can understand how much help you need and how important it is to you. It does sound like it’s really ruining your life, leading to obsession, even. Be sure to tell your physicians everything about what you’re experiencing and ask directly for the help you seek so they can get you the right help. There’s no need to be shy around doctors. Tell them you want, and deserve, better treatment. They work for you and you are their boss. Be assertive.
Some other basic tools for incontinence include taking cranberry tablets (here in the U.S. the primary manufacturer is a brand called AZO) and/or drinking cranberry juice every day to maintain overall bladder health. This doesn’t help for everyone, but it seems to really help some people. Refrain from alcohol, caffeine, carbonation, sugary beverages, and spicy foods. If you have problems during bedtime, stop consuming all liquids, including soup, yogurt, ice cream, etc. after 18:00. Some of us have really good results by simply drinking much less fluid, while others of us have great results from drinking more fluid. That seems to depend on the diagnosis. Certainly, if you’re working with pregnancy, you must be sure to maintain proper hydration. The more water you drink, the better you can flush out any toxins in your system. Ideally, your urine should be a clear color. If not, then you aren’t consuming enough liquids.
I hope some of these suggestions may give you some ideas for your healing and your next steps. We are here for you; please stay in touch and keep us posted about your progress. We are here to help you. Please feel comfortable, asking any questions and bringing up any topic. We’re very open here.
@Kathylp Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear of your late-term losses. Even having not had a child myself, I can imagine the immensity of your grief. I don’t know how you made it through. I’m glad that in the end, you were rewarded with your fourth child.
