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I’ve found when I ask doctors for referrals, they’re very reluctant to recommend anyone, because if they do so, then if the doctor they refer you to messes you up, you could sue the original doctor for recommending the crappy doctor who messes up. So I always look at websites where patients themselves review their doctors.

 

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Hi Snow, MayMay941 and AlasSouth, and for everyone else: do ask your doctor, "If you had my issue, where would you go?" Then again why not say if "a member or your family, especially your child, had this issue, where would you...." I think involving "your child" would work especially well because you (and that includes your doctor) want the best for your child, right? Obviously they're not going to send a full grown adult to a pediatrician or to the Children's' Hospital, but that would get the doctor to thinking. After all, we were all children once.....
And as for websites they can be a useful tool and may tell you quite a bit, but I wouldn't make a judgment based solely on a website review. If all respondents complain about one specific thing then that is a red flag for sure! You just don't know how legitimate someone's complaint against a doctor really is, versus whether the person is one of those who gets pleasure out of constantly complaining about everything!

 

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The spouse & I were going to a large clinic/hospital for 40+ years, with about any specialist you could name, usually more than one or two. The hospital website had a photo, the list of their education and places worked, a description of how they specialized within their specialty, and an intro written by the Doc. None of them were right out of med school. They know each other in a hospital like that, so we felt comfortable with the referrals. If the Doc found you needed a different doc within her specialty, that's were she sent you. Weren't compatible with that one? Ask the clerk for a different one for the next appointment. Been there, done that, very recently. If the Doc doing the referral acted uncomfortable, maybe they were trying to tell you something.
Not everyone has that kind of facility available to them, but if you do, consider it.
Right now, our local hospital is having staff turnover like you wouldn't believe, for several years. That's a bad sign - something is wrong with the people in charge. That's a harder one to judge from the outside - unless it's your docs leaving constantly. Doctors/nurses can get a job somewhere else. It's not like there isn't openings.
On line, there are sites for medical professionals. One article that blew me away was entitled "the 10 worst states to work as a nurse". Holy Toledo. Those state get less applications and have a harder time keeping the ones they do get. Try the "scrubs" website, watch those links on the side of the page. I haven't been there since my cancer, a number of years back. Another site is for nurses - and some of them vent, there. You will learn a lot. They don't name names, but still....
No Doc gets 100% approval with public, but word-of-mouth is not a bad way to pick one - at least for the first appointment. Even better, find the support group for incontinence. Even check with the local hospital or Doctor - they often know about those groups and when and where they meet. Boy, will you get an earful at a meeting like that, good and bad! Mine had about 15-20 members, but it was great - worth attending once a month. Find someone you like, get them off to one side.
It's can be like: Do you want to talk to the boss/doctor, or the secretary/nurse who really knows what's gong on.

 

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AlasSouth I think you have some really sound advice for dealing with the medical community. Unless you've had a lot of experience with them one really doesn't know the half of it! That said, getting a second opinion is also something I firmly believe in. If you don't like what the first doctor says then please feel free to get someone else's opinion. I've heard it said that if you deal with any doctor who pooh-poohs the idea of a second opinion, then run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. It happened to me once when an optometrist told me I have something rather serious (macular degeneration) and I didn't like the sound of it at all. I said I was going to get another opinion and the guy said, "oh, they'll just tell you the same thing!" Well guess what? I did run to the nearest exit and I consulted with an ophthalmologist who specializes in retina issues and he said I didn't have macular degeneration but instead a macular pucker which is nearly as serious as M.D. and stays in just one eye. By the way it really doesn't bother me that much. If it did I'd have to have surgery and at this point surgery isn't something I want to deal with.
Your idea of an incontinence support group also sounds good. It seems they are few and far between. Haven't been to one but it sounds like group therapy and is probably a good way to have a face-to-face with others having the same experience you are. Maybe a possibility when we get pas this era of masks and social distancing!