Severe Depression - Need to Vent

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Hi, I'm experiencing "constant" dribbling since January. At least every 5 minutes but could be every minute. The irony (or good thing) is that it's so small that it often doesn't even make my pad wet. However I notice my condition is getting worse. Increased wetness with drips running down my leg.

Anyway the agony from depression I'm experiencing is truly unbearable. Crying 3-4x a day, temper tantrums, etc.

From a medical perspective I've been diagnosed with Urinary Retention and have had no other medical conditions or procedures. I also have therapy and anti-depressants but nothing works emotionally.

I'm coming to the reality that I may need to wear pull ups / diapers and the thought truly pains me. It's either that or feel urine down my leg every other minute. Life is so unfair :(

Don't know if there's a question in here but please feel free to share your thoughts and/or how you handled the acceptance piece. Best, Michael
 
Not a frequent poster, but get subject post alert and had to read. First, sorry to hear. I feel your pain (said in my bill Clinton impression). It gets better. I went through all the same stuff. Came out of bathroom one time in tears throwing the soaked depends across the floor. Talked to a counselor for a while and they helped. No shame. I was floored with how much this impacted me, like yourself. I was 100% in the diapers for a solid 6 months and then two pads at 8. 21 months now one pad a day. My urologist recommend a urologist that I am hoping can help get the rest of the way dry and as least invasive as possible. Anyway, wanted to share. Hang in there brother. You're not alone.
 
You will most likely get better over time or learn treatments/ ways to manage. But in the meantime it is a real emotional roller coaster and difficult to accept. One goes thru the why me?? Syndrome. So it’s definitely not easy. After I got over my distress for several days, I then began to do research and figure out ways to deal with it. My pelvic floor physical therapist was a great help. Several of our 50 minute or so sessions were spent mostly talking and me learning ways to manage the incontinence so that it did not overly affect my life. It did get better, but at the time, I didn’t know if it would.
 
When I was 5 months post-RP, I was almost dry. But, my PSA returned. So, I had 40 sessions of radiation plus hormone therapy. The radiologist warned me that the treatment wouldn’t make my situation any better. I still wasn’t worried because at 7 months post RP, in the midst of radiation, I was at only .1-.2 ounces/day, which may have been just sweat. In the weeks after radiation ended, I crept back up to 1.5 ounces/day which was irritating. Then, all of a sudden, and I remember the exact day, the flood began. I went to 5 ounces/day, then 10, then 15, then 30, then 40+. The best the urologists could tell me was that radiation had affected my bladder neck. Physical therapy didn’t help. Drugs didn’t help. However, injecting 200cc of Botox cut me to 15-20 ounces/day. I’ve been there where you are, asking myself if this is the best it will ever get for the rest of my life. So, I’ve decided to have the Artificial Urinary Sphincter implanted this coming June. Keep talking to your doctors, as different solutions are available.
 
I spent 2.75 years in bed with depression initially. Don’t do that; you just lose friends, family, yourself, and years of your life. I didn’t have the NAFC then. Just give pull-ups a try before you judge them. Nobody has ever once asked me if I’m wearing them when I’m wearing them. They will provide you with tremendous emotional relief and freedom from worry. I highly recommend going to any grocery store or big box store and looking for a pair of the “Night Defense” line by Depend. Go now! They are plastic-backed and are the thickest pull up that you can buy in a grocery store. They last all night for me. Remember to consider them a helpful tool, not a weakness. I went through everything you did, too. Society has put it in our heads that adults who wear diapers are babies or fetishy but nothing could be further from the truth. We are very brave, and we take good care of ourselves. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

There are soooooooo many things you can try. Medications, Botox injections, procedures, surgeries, catheters, clamps. You haven’t tried any of those yet. Until you do, you need to try to pull-ups. You have far more options available to you than does any woman, so there’s that bright side to look on.

Grant yourself the grace of time and patience. Only you (!!!) can grant yourself that. In the meantime, try to distract yourself by doing your favorite activities. Maybe you like to go bowling, watching movies, fishing, eating with family, working in your woodshop, whatever it is you like to do, make sure you do a lot of it to help you get through this tough patch. Spending time in nature really helps anybody with any kind of problem. Even if you just sit on a camp chair out in nature, it’s helpful. Try to find awe and wonder in as many things as you possibly can. Start a written gratitude journal, or even just sit back and think about the things you’re grateful for. Family, friends, food, modern diapers (people used to have to just sit on stacks of newspaper!! - that’s documented in literature!), pets, electricity, modern, plumbing, beautiful vistas, stoplights, lumber, concrete, cars, fishing poles . . . The list of things to be grateful for is truly endless. When I brainstorm to think of things, I’m happy about, I often make myself laugh, because there are so many silly things to be grateful for, like a heating vent, a smoke alarm, a towel, plenty of warm, soft blankets at night. Screws. Nails. Birdseed. It’s endless!

Remember, you are not just your bladder leaks, you are still your entire self. Even if you feel angry or depressed, that’s not all you are. Those are just feelings. It’s typical in society to say, “I *am* depressed. I *am* anxious.” But that’s not what we are, that’s just how we feel. So in your own brain, make sure you say it in the nicer way of, “I *feel* depressed. I *feel* angry. We are not our feelings, and we must not let them rule us. They are important to acknowledge, but we are our entire ourselves, and our entire personality and our entire life.
 
So sorry to hear about your situation, but as you can see we’re all in the same boat to some degree. I had prostate surgery 2 years ago, after doing pelvic floor exercises for 2 years I never had a dry day. 4 days ago I had AUS surgery. I have some discomfort which is getting better each day. Activation of the device is in 3 weeks, I’m hoping for no more depends and pads. Good luck to you and I hope the doctors will find the right solution that works best for you.
 
Mike, it is all about perspective. I am last person to suggest that you can just magically make depression disappear by deciding to. It is a struggle. But hear me out.

After my accident, I decided that no matter what, I would live my life the exact same. And guess what? Nothing terrible has happened so far.

You may think you can’t do everything you use to while wearing a diaper, but you can. I go to work every day wearing a diaper (though catheter at the moment, not forever) and no one has said or thought anything. I sell to people, work outside and inside. And yes, I have peed myself in front of people. MANY, many times. But they have no idea.

I went on a beach vacation last year. Had a great time. No issues.

I even spent 13 hours pushing a snowblower in -35 degree weather with a Northshore diaper on. No problems.

In the vast majority of cases, the only thing that will limit us is our own mind.
 
Thank you everyone reformed all beautiful words of wisdom and well wishes that I needed to hear
Wishing you all peace harmony laughter and LOVE
 
Take one day at a time. Does dispare. You will win this battle. It may take some time, but YOU WILL WIN. Hang in there.
 
@JustAGuy - I hear you - I have vented in the beginning when all this started happening to me I was embarrassed having to wear diapers - I 1st tried guards and pull- ups but my voids were too heavy for the products - after trying different brands of diapers I settled on north-shore MegaMax at night and abrina L4 during the day - every time I void I’m actually glad I was wearing protection to make it a lot less embarrassing. I go out and about and live my life as I did before with no worries - my only complaint is in the summertime diapers can make it a little hot down there - I live in the south and it does get hott - hope everything gets better for you overtime

Hang in there
 
@mustangmike1971 anything depression related I like to chat.

First off, I have been through the absolute worst in life and depression is definitely in the top 3. Do you suffer from PTSD at all?

My incontinence is due to PTSD. I’m so triggered right now I have to wear 24/7.

Research and look into ketamine for treatment. It has done wonders for me. I’ve also been put on a drug called Auvelity. It’s newer drug but worth checking into.

Hang in there. Wearing diapers is just like needing to wear a jock strap with certain sports. Don’t know if that helps or not.

Who knows, urinary retention could be caused by the tension or stress due to depression or anxiety. Thoughts and prayers are with you
 
I have heard similar comments from others about wearing pull-ups, but I must say I really don't have a problem wearing them. I am practically 100% continent, and I don't really need to wear pull-ups anymore. Nevertheless, I continue to wear them several days a week. I wear Depends for Men, and I think they're comfortable, discreet, and effective. I also like that they are disposable, and it saves me from having to wash so many underwear. I can see how they can get expensive after a while, but honestly that's the only drawback I see. If you haven't yet tried pull-ups, I suggest trying out Depends for men and see what you think.
 
Michael. I can identify with all those emotions. I am now one year post prostatectomy and for three months I never had to go to the loo normally since I had leaked so much. I have improved a lot but certainly not fully continent. I always need some protection even if it's light. Just recently I had a real low, lower than I any stage over the past year. I understand the tears, I've been there. And the suicidal ideation too. I am actually going to speak with a counsellor soon, as much as anything to give my poor wife some respite but obviously hoping it helps with the depressive thoughts. With regards to the continence issue, although my leakage could be managed with pads I still occasionally use the external catheter/ conveen. I can wear loose boxers with that system and it does provide relief from the warmth of pads. I would encourage you to try to keep active doing things you enjoy and can manage. I have also found myself guilty of rumination, constantly researching on the net and thinking over the problem endlessly. I am trying to learn how to acknowledge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive thoughts. I haven't done this but have heard that CBT can be helpful. Remember too that ups and downs are normal in this journey and for me I have felt more positive again in the last few days. I pray you find strength and joy as you go forward with your life. You still have a purpose in your family and community
 
@chad I’m often outside for work, and the sweat sucks! It destroys absorbency too.

LIFEHACK: When it is really hot I actually go with cheaper, less absorbent diapers that are more breathable and just change twice as often!

Cloth-like diapers like the briefs from WalMart are just fine if you change frequently.

Wearing an expensive, high absorbency diaper in the heat is a waste in the end.
 
I might have to give it a try - my worst fear is that cheaper products will leak easier especially if out in public - I had tried a sample of xp5000 diapers that if I recall we’re not plastic back - the sample size I ordered - mediums didn’t fit well so I really didn’t give them a chance - I need to try large next time - regarding store bought products - I won’t waste my money - you get what you pay for

My 2 cents
 
@Hbrownlow I wish you all the best with your counseling. It’s worth doing, especially if it can help keep a marriage intact. It sounds like you might be feeling better already because you’ve taken action towards self improvement. Bravo!
 
I fully feel with everyone here struggling with continence issues, struggling with wearing protection, feeling depressed, having issues to accept the current condition, not being sure how to continue or come back to a "normal" life. But - also be aware - a real depression is nothing which can be discussed away or be changed with simply a different viewpoint, it has to be treated by a specialist, it's a serious illness and won't get away by its own or with the good help of a forum!

Like some others, I can only state that a "normal", happy an fulfilled live with wearing some kind of protection IS possible without big limitations. I simply got used to wear (and use)diapers, I have no pain (as long as I don't try too hard to stand an urge), I have no skin irritation, nobody else can see, my wife has no issues with my different kind of underwear and supports me fully, so FOR ME it's all not a big deal.

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand why absorbent products lead for many of us to a bunch of negative feelings and causes to try nearly everything in order to avoid them. Don't get me wrong, of course IC always has to be examined medically and for many reasons of IC an according treatment is possible and very reasonable and should be done, but I also think (and discussed with my doc) about risks or side effects of treatment options and decided that wearing some protection is - for me personally - a good way, without any side effects, to achieve a high quality of life!
 
I think for me being alone & single comes with a lot of stigma of wearing a diaper too. If I was wet I would wear diapers but the dripping is so minimal my pad is hardly wet. The dripping just always finds a way to get past my boxer briefs and pad - up to every 5 minutes. Groan.

At this point I've exhausted everyone in my circle complaining /crying about this. I feel alone. Although I know I"m technically not.

This is effecting every aspect of my life - work, social, with 'extreme depression'. As I can't concentrate with all this dripping. I wish I could just go back to normal - 3 months ago before this problem began

Anyway I have to accept wearing a pull up or accept dripping. Either way sux :(

Can't believe medication, kegels won't even see an improvement. Neurostim is next but I don't know anymore.
 
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