potential advice for parents of bedwetters

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Hello everyone,

As you may recall, we’ve had several parents come to us in the past few years, seeking solutions and advice for how to help their bedwetting child. A couple of other forum members and I found this website that seems to have good advice. We would just like to add that trying pull-ups first is a good idea for a first step before trying full-fledged diapers.

For those of you who were abused as bedwetters by your caregiver(s) in your childhood, do you think this advice is helpful and appropriate? Do you have anything to add? This is a topic posted for if/when a parent comes to the forum and uses the search function to look for help. Hopefully they would then find this topic and the thread that follows.

How to Encourage Big Kids to Wear Diapers - wikiHow Health

Diapers are worn by people of all ages for a variety of reasons, mainly medical. However, older people are often reluctant to wear diapers as it can be highly demeaning for them. If you feel your child needs diapers for any reason, please...

www.wikihow.health

Please feel free to make further suggestions or to comment if any of the advice is inappropriate.

 

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Nice article and some good information. I can remember when I had this problem it was not easy to cope with and harder to talk about both with parents and doctors many times. I always felt embarrassed and ashamed when it was bedtime and needed to be in diapers. But later with support and help found that I have a bladder problem. I deal with it the best I can and can be comfortable with wearing diapers by now it really doesn’t bother me.

 

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The article reminded me of some of the trauma I had as a child and teen bedwetter. I wet the bed until my mid teens, and I was put back in diapers several times during that period. It depended on the family finances and my parents level of frustration with my bedwetting. My dad usually threatened me with diapers as a punishment, my mom usually tried to persuade me to wear diapers as a solution to bedwetting.

How did I respond?? Well, the madder my dad got, the more I resisted being diapered. The more gentle and consoling my mom tried to be, the easier it was to put me in diapers for a period of time. If this article helps parents approach diapers the right way, I think it would be helpful.

 

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As an alternative to diapers, which if still needed must be offered as a temporary workaround, certainly rather than punishment, are behaviorally-based treatments that sometimes in combination yield the best results. Just two examples might be: pelvic floor exercises (kegels)to encourage longer holding of urine, bedwetting buzzer which trains the child/person to become more quickly aware of their body correlates of urination. I would consult with a licensed CBT therapist because often what brought on the wetting (if the person was once dry at night) or the psychological phenomena (thoughts and emotions) that developed since the beginning of the wetting needs to be dealt with beyond the mechanics mentioned above in a way that a coach or a physiotherapists hasn't been trained to treat.

 

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@snow. Good article. Thank you for sharing the link.

I like the more modern way they approach the subject, instead of the old ways of punishing and threatening the kid. My God, they feel bad enough already having to deal with something they can't control. They aren't doing it on purpose.

There is one thing I would offer that wasn't mentioned in the article, which I would say does not stop with kids.

The suggestions in the article approach the problem very compassionately. To me, if the person, child or adult is really having a hard time accepting diapers as the best and most effective solution, maybe showing some solidarity with them is the most compassionate way you could help.

My kids are grown and I already have this issue myself, but if I didn't and I were faced with having a young child or even a girlfriend/wife that was having incontinence or bedwetting issues, the most compassionate show of support, would be to get diapers in my size too. I feel it would help them accept it a little easier, if I wore them too for awhile, just to show them it's not really that bad. Not a big deal.

Feeling like you're dealing with a problem like this by yourself is a Big Deal.

 

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@Jayindiapers I appreciate your positive, realistic attitude. Glad you approve of the article.

@DaveW49519 Thank you for your input. I’m glad you approve of the article. I’m sorry to hear your dad was mean to you; I can definitely relate to that. My mother was the consoling one in my life also but ultimately ended up defending my father most of the time. She still does! Sigh. . . parents.

@hjh I agree.

@spicewerx Wow! What a great suggestion about solidarity! I think your idea could absolutely help. I think it would have helped me adjust; too bad I didn’t think of the idea back when I was still with my ex-husband. I became incontinent during the two final weeks we lived together (because I fell down a cliff) and hid it from him. If we had both worn diapers, I would have felt so much better! I will keep your suggestion in mind for the future! Maybe it’s a great way for someone with incontinence to teach someone else that it isn’t a big deal to wear a diaper.

 

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@snow thanks it was a good read. Parents need to explore all options like talking to the child and doctors. If it’s recommended use of pull-ups or even diapers. But the child should be part of the talk. I was embarrassed but with support you can get through it

 

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Here are my thoughts. As a short backstory, my bedwetting started when I was a teen. End of middle school and high school I started to randomly wet my bed. I was so embarassed that I hide it from my parents and thankfully it was very infrequent, only a few times a year. As I got older and into college and it was continuing to happen I did discover GoodNites (talking old school all white GoodNites if anyone remembers). I did figure out that one of the triggers was stress and towards the end of the semester and finals week I could count on a few night wettings leading up to that.

Since I was never made to wear protection, since I kept it from my parents, I do not have the perspective of dealing with that element. However as a bedwetter who chose on his own to start using GoodNites when in college for times when I knew there was a high chance I might wet the bed I feel that today's view is better towards bedwetters and asking if they want to use protection.

Had my parents known and tried to force me to wear protection I suspect I would be very resistant to that and hold some ill feelings to the matter. But in today's setting a parent that offers they use of protection, not force , but have a conversation with their child it would go over a lot better.

 

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Growing up I was a chronic nightly bedwetter and wasn't reliably dry at night until my early 20's. My mother kept me in nappies and plastic pants at night until I was 8 or 9 and then on the insictance of our district nurse they were taken away. She said I was too comfortable in nappies and would never be dry at night if she continued to put me in a terry nappy and plastic pants at night. From then on I had to endure a wet bed. I just got used to it and my bedwetting just continued. My folks tried an alarm issued by the nurse but it never woke me until I had wet the bed but woke the whole house. They soon gave up on that one. In my teens my mother marched me off to the doctors demanding something done about her son who still wet the bed most nights at 15. The doc just refered me to the NHS continence service and I was issued with big blue disposable adult nappies and a fitted sandra waterproof cover for my bed. Back then not much was done for bedwetters and the "Oh he will grow out of it in his own time " was the stock answer.
Nowadays I think making me sleep in a wet bed as a way to get me to stop wetting would be seen as child abuse but times were different then. Bedwetting was seen as a habit not a medical problem. I was always told I was dirty and lazy.
Strangely once the NHS continence service had issued me with nappies and a fitted cover for my bed my folks seemed to give up trying to get me dry at night. It was just accepted I wet the bed and probably always would. I was just left to deal with the wet nappies and wet sheet if the nappies leaked which they often did.
My Mother did get me some adult plastic pants. They were "Sandra Pants" I cant remember if she go them via the continence nurse.
Eventually during my early 20's my wetting stopped. My mother was never convinced it would not come back and all the time I lived at home the bed remained protected with the noisy waterproof cover and a pile of nappies stayed by my bed side.

 

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I know from experience the information was good when mine started my wife talked to me about going back to diapers' also have autism +dd.Thanks for letting me rant.

 

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@Stevewet How horrible; I’m sorry you grew up like that. Sleeping in filthy, wet sheets does indeed sound like child abuse. Fortunately, yes, things have improved.

 

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@snow thank you for sharing this article, let us hope this is advices that parents of bedwetters will follow!

@stevewet I think there are many similarities between our stories (I recently shared mine in the New member forum)

 

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@spicewerx Thank you for sharing - and I really love your suggestion of wearing diapers for sympathy and removing stigma - when someone has a really hard time accepting to use what is a good way of handling a problem. I have shared my story below - just to give you all a context of why I am active in this thread.

For me - diapers for many years was punishment for bedwetting. I knew it was good for me, but it added to the shame of wetting - and it was not something I could accept. Later in life when IBD has forced me back in diapers in periods, I had to fight the battle with the experiences from my youth.

I felt alone, I was an outsider, wetting and diapers was not normal - the mental barrier to overcome when diapers as an adult was something that improved quality of life, was huge. If someone had taken your example, making me more an insider, more normal - I would have loved it, and I would probably have had a better youth and less challenges as an adult.

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This is just a copy of my intro post:

Hi all,

I saw this forum some time ago, but not until now, did I find the courage to share my story and take part in the discussion.

I read the article from @snow about tips for parents of bedwetters, and that triggered me to tell a different story. I was wetting my bed until I was in my late teens - and also had some later episodes. I could wet twice a night. Of course my parents got mad - and accused me for being difficult, lazy, drinking to much, too late to bed - all the standard stuff. It was periods with very heavy wetting - every night, and periods with somewhat less frequency. My bed was made up with a thick plastic/rubber sheet (quite noisy) and some absorbent pads under my sheets. I was not wearing diapers on a regular basis. I was extremely embarrassed by the wetting, and it was not something I wanted to talk about or accept. As the wetting was partly explained with me being lazy, there was different kind of punishment, hand washing my wet sheets, earlier bedtime and occasionally also spanking. But my real nightmare was the threat of being forced back in diapers.
Of course my wetting continued and one day I came home from school, a big pink packet of diapers was placed on my desk as I was about to do my homework. It was a complete nightmare - and I tried to resist, but I was outnumbered and out powered - and soon I was in bed with a thick diaper. I hated it - they were so thick (this was in the 70ies) and I was not offered much privacy around the diapers. So I continued to resist.
And I never accepted to wear them - but I fought with myself, because in diapers I slept better, it was so much better to wake up in a dry or almost dry bed compared to the soaked bed. But I never admitted that or accepted the diapers, because of the way they where introduced. And the humiliation I felt being forced to wear them.
As with most bedwetters - the problems (almost) disappeared and I was out of diapers for many years although I struggled with overactive bladder and in periods tried both medication and protection.
17 years ago I was diagnosed with IBD (ulcerous colitis). And during flares, my old nightmare reappeared. In bad periods with extreme diarrhea, I can go to the bathroom 30 times a day (it is hard to count). In such periods I was forced to stay home, close to the toilet to avoid embarrassing accidents. The fear of accidents also resulted in anxiety and stress. I was recommended to start wearing some protection, started with pads, but quite soon ended up in pull-ups. I was ashamed, humiliated and I felt like I carried a big sign saying that “I am diapered”, but to my pleasure, people didn’t care and most people didn’t notice it. It helped me continue to live my life as good as possible, and it reduced stress and anxiety. Basically what I feared and was so ashamed of, particularly with my childhood memories, helped me to a better quality of life.
Nowadays, I use diapers when I am flaring - it is always a challenge to pull them on the first day after a long period with now use, but the diapers are so good these days and so much more discrete than what I remember from my youth. Anyone who are complaining should try old fashioned rectangular thick “paper” diapers with plastic panties. Then you will notice that the industry has moved forward.
It took some time and courage to write my story, but I got inspired and by the forum, how openly everyone is sharing and how friendly atmosphere.
There is a lot of stigma around incontinence and diapers, so it is not easy to open up and find someone to talk to - so I am glad I have found this forum. Even if I have seen the advantages, I am still affected by my childhood and my fear of diapers - so I am working hard to accept that they are a valuable tool to improve quality of life and not there only to humiliate or punish me.
Feel free to contact me or comment - I think I have seen similar stories from other people growing up in that period. What was acceptable those days are not acceptable today. So more than abuse - I think the way of “treating” bedwetting was more a trend or a something “normal” in that period.
4 hours ago Post 125 • IP flag post

 

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Given some of the horror stories on here, I'm really grateful my parents were really good about my incontinence issues on the whole. I was never told off for bedwetting but was scolded for my daytime accidents and threatened with nappies when I was at Primary School. I think after a while they figured I couldn't help it and would grow out of it eventually and so they became much more understanding as I got older. The nightly wetting stopped when I was ten or so and so after that it became more intermittent and was easier to hide.

I think the key issue around protection as people have discussed here is how it's discussed. It seems nappies are often used as a punishment or a threat to make the incontinence sufferer feel guilty for not being grown up enough whereas surely it's better to approach them as an aid for a condition lots of people suffer from. I think what baffles me is that it should be blatantly obvious that no one wants to have wet trousers or bed sheets. I think some of the reward systems around bedwetting are also flawed - once or twice my parents rewarded me for a dry run but I always felt baffled by that as I hadn't done any work and it was just a roll of the dice.

I think the fact it just became one of those things that wasn't really talked about didn't help in the long run for me either though. As a teenager I was too embarrassed to tell my parents when I'd wet the bed so just slept in dirty sheets and went to school smelling bad (luckily no one commented). I also scurried any wet pyjamas away to hide the evidence. Now, my parents changed my bed sheets so they must have known I'd wet the bed but didn't say anything (possibly because they thought it would be too awkward). Whenever I was on a school trip I was terrified of wetting the bed and so didn't drink for hours before bed. Also, they obviously did my laundry and must have realised that I couldn't keep a pair of shorts or trousers dry during the day and the fact that they made me change when I got in so they could launder my school trousers every night must have been because of my accidents/dribbling but they didn't say anything explicit.

The worst of it was when I had to wear a suit in the Sixth Form (final two years of school) - it was a dry clean only suit so come the end of the week (they were cleaned every week) the trousers were smelling pretty ripe given I was used to having fresh trousers every day. I would also get more anxious and self-conscious as the week went on. It was around that time I thought about making a doctor's appointment and searched online about protection but never spoke to my parents or decided to act on it. Now, they must have known something was up and I think I'd have actually liked them to instigate a chat. I never would have been able to talk to them myself but sometimes the issue being forced is better I feel. Had I worn pull ups or something I'd have probably felt super-embarrassed to begin with but feeling dry and not smelling would have been a bonus (as I discovered as an adult). I was threatened with nappies when I came home super drunk and out of it as a teenager and had an accident but that was it. I just find it odd that it became the elephant in the room over time and nothing was said even though they were aware of it and did take precautions like doing my laundry all the time.

Opting to use protection as an adult was a game changer for me and became essential after the Long Covid of it all. I do look back and think life could have been so much easier had I worn protection at night for longer as a kid (indeed, when I was taken out of nappies I missed waking up in a dry bed) and indeed during the day, I think I'd have been much happier in the long run. Anxiety about my bladder and hiding any dampt spots/smells was pretty much my entire existence as a kid and young adult and still would be were in not for protection. I think the main reason for being taken out of nappies for years before my bedwetting ended was my Dad's embarrassment about having to buy nappies at the supermarket and being worried about seeing anyone. Indeed, I remember him saying he was getting too awkward buying them in public which meant I just had a miserable time for years afterwards as I'd wake up soaked in the middle of the night and/or the morning. I wonder if that's why my incontinence issues were never brought up when I was older. The exception to this was when we stayed over at family friends and he was too worried I'd wet the bed and how embarrassing that would be (for him I think!) so was back in nappies for that.

 

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@snow, @Allan_59, thank you for the compliment.

I think it would help with adjusting to the solution and accepting the fact that it is necessary and effective. I can't imagine a more compassionate way to say, "I still love you, I don't see you any different and I will not leave you or ridicule you."

It would also provide the supportive mate with a valuable perspective that they would not have if they did not try wearing them. I mean, physically they feel different than regular underwear. It took me about an hour to get used to the bulk between my legs, which I think was pretty quick. But the snugness is something too and a lot of people probably can not imagine just how hot it can be to wear diapers in the Summer. Luckily, I live in northern Minnesota, but even up here it can be in the 90's.

 

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@snow If this helps just one it is worth this post. Thank you Snow for posting and supporting all out there inflicted.

 

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Thick pin on diapers with good fitting plastic pants was the only solution that worked for my nightly bedwetting. I was never shamed or threatened with diapers, they were just the norm in my home. I would rather not have been a teenage guy in diapers but the lternative for a multiple night wetter was far worse.

 

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You were lucky to come to terms with your diapers. As a youth I used the old-fashioned, rectangular, super-thick paper-diapers (not super absorbent) inside plastic pants. I was very unhappy to wear them. I think it is important to encourage use of diapers as a help for better and more comfortable sleep - it should NEVER be used as a threat or as punishment - just as a sensible option to consider.

 

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@spicewerx Wow! What a great suggestion about solidarity! I think your idea could absolutely help. I think it would have helped me adjust; too bad I didn’t think of the idea back when I was still with my ex-husband. I became incontinent during the two final weeks we lived together (because I fell down a cliff) and hid it from him. If we had both worn diapers, I would have felt so much better! I will keep your suggestion in mind for the future! Maybe it’s a great way for someone with incontinence to teach someone else that it isn’t a big deal to wear a diaper.[/quote]

@Snow Your comments to spicewerx reminded me of a communication exchange in monthly newsletters once mailed to Simon Foundation members/supporters. It was mainly for younger incontinent people to exchange thoughts over their continence issues. There was discussion for interested singles who might feel that finding a 'Padded Partner' could be a supportive and positive experience in overcoming stigma, I know it did result in a few 'meet ups' over time and this was before Internet days. I think this went a step beyond showing 'solidarity' by bringing together two people with pre-existing incontinence conditions.

 

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I wet the bed as a preteen and sometimes into my early teens.
My mom never made a big deal out of it. Dad made me wear a diaper a couple of times, but also didn’t make a deal out of it and never belittled me. My brothers and sister never said anything. Perhaps they weren’t even aware of it.
Eventually I outgrew it and my folks probably knew that was inevitable.
The one thing my mom did was to make sure I had a waterproof mattress protector on my bed. Didn’t upset me because it was being handled.

My advice to parents of a bedwetting child is to plan for it and treat it as a normal part of development for many kids and teens. It’s not that big of a thing.
Human nature, some bodies developed differently and at a different rate or period of time.
Today there are devices and some good nighttime protection for kids and teens.
I would help erase any stigma of it. Accept it, as there is no resolve in getting upset over it.
Get the mattress cover and buy the goodnights for them. Let you and your child keep it each others private secret.
Love and acceptance is a winning solution. More than likely they’ll out grow it soon enough. And as we know time flys right by.