Bad days

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Hi I feel like a big cloud of negativity that comes and goes in this forum... But I have no one I can talk about this so here it is:

This week has been personally very hard for me, a lot of people sick from this stupid virus I hate.. and many people dying (I have lots of friends who have lost someone in their family)... and then I started to work online too (I also teach german as a foreign language) but the school gave me lots of groups and 3 of them are group of teenagers (10-14yo) .. and it is very hard for me to manage them and so every day I wake up feeling 0 motivation and everyday I go to sleep sad. I tried to read all the responses of my previous post about protection but I started to have a panic attack. Today a kid made a very rude comment to me, so when the class was over I just cried and cried and cried.

Problem is when I get sad I always bring my childhood back and same old negative thoughts about myself, my incontinence, all this childhood trauma that doesn't seem to go away... so today I was in a very dark place and after many months of being "okay" I remembered what it feels like to want to hurt myself.

I remembered someone here recommended me to ask RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) for help and at first it made no sense to me. Today something made a click in my head. As I was a child (<5years) and my mother took me to see this doctor about my incontinence and he made the physical exam (I still remember and played the images in my head over and over for 20 years) It does feel in my head like an abuse with the permission of my mother, does that make any sense? Am I overreacting?

Anyway I thought about asking if RAINN had any online support group I could perhaps join and see if that made any sense. Because sincerely I have thought many times that my problem is not the incontince per se, but what's behind it. So I reached out, but it turns out there are no online groups and they suggested going to their centers ... but I don't live in USA so...

I feel like I will never overcome this, I know many people tell me I will... But right now I don't feel like it is ever going to happen. And today my heart crushed because I felt like I don't belong to anywhere.

If tomorrow I continue the same I will call my therapist (we normally meet on Thursday but I feel like I can't take it)

I wish there could be a "heal" button

 

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checmec - how awful for you that some little errant kid would be unkind without a thought about what it would do to you, on the receiving end. I had a similar incident happen to me when I was about 32 and the insult still rings in my head sometimes. I had done nothing to the child to merit his name calling. When I was a kid my mother told me that 'sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words will never harm me.' But that's not true. Words can hurt. I hope you'll not carry this hurt but know that maybe the child is hurting and may be lashing out at anyone. It's HIS problem.

When I owned a business in the Colorado ski country many years ago I had taped above my cash register a little sign that read, "Be kind to your customers. You never know what is causing them to have a bad day."

You're okay checmec. Stay the course, this too is temporary.

 

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Hi @checmec. It's the weekend and I hope you are feeling better about yourself and things in general. Please do call your therapist ASAP, even if it isn't your scheduled time to meet. Just by talking to him or her you will begin to feel better since s/he may have some suggestions. After all that's what their job is and they fully expect that if a client is having problems that they'll be called upon to help.
And for now, the best thing to do is to live in the present with an eye toward your future and not let things that happened in childhood dominate your thoughts. Your therapist can help you sort out those feelings as well.
And when you say you don't belong anywhere, well guess what? You do belong here and everyone here will do our best to help. Even just "venting" is therapeutic.
And you know what, I think it's awesome you're teaching German online! That shows you've got the initiative to do something different. Some days doing that will be better than others. And there will always be some kids who may feel they are being forced to learn German but the biggest majority of your students appreciate what you are doing for them. So let's concentrate on that. As for the kids, they do have a lot to learn about behavior in general so it's not just you they are targeting. Sometimes when kids have a bad hair day they take it out on the first person they see who may be their teacher. But it's their problem, not yours. Unfortunately some have a deep-rooted attitude about adults in general and the good thing is they'll get their comeuppance soon. So please hang in there! I know I can't teach German online, but you can! And being able to do so is what makes you unique and special.
So please take time to do something for yourself this weekend that you really enjoy and you'll come back next week with a fresh new perspective on things.
And do call your therapist!!!

 

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Praying for you!

 

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Checmec it is clear you are suffering and at least in this forum you are someone, you are not alone
YES it is abuse if you were handled by even a medical provider with the best of intentions and it hit your shame button. It was not intentional by your mother and probably not the doctor either (what do I know of peoples intentions)but

I personally have very strong feelings that when a child is old enough to lift a spoon to their lips your body is now recognized as YOUR OWN and anyone touching you or trying to put things in your mouth or handle other parts which make you uncomfortable is a violation of YOUR BODY. Even if you are a child, you know instinctively that it is the only thing in this material world that is yours and yours alone until the day you die.

I read you as a very intelligent sensitive child who grew up very easily hurt regardless of the intention. Perhaps pleasing people, wanting approval from others to validate your self. That doesn't work.
You are in a larger group, one of a very beautiful sensitive group of human beings who can relate to others pain as your own and while feeling it are also trying to heal that in them.
Read up on Empaths. We have a thin skin for hurt but we can heal through turning the love on ourselves, create safe boundaries of what we will let in, that we would give others.
I dont know if your incontinence is due to a weak set of bladder muscles or something else but I do know you deserve to love yourself and know your worth and value by just being who you are in this world. Yet nothing I can say will "convince you". This comes from within, taking time to shut out the world and just be.
Another resource I like is the book Our Bodies Ourselves a book put together and updated thats been around since the 60s. A womens group wanted to unflinching look at the experience of being a woman, body mind and soul.It may bring you some comfort to read of our women's journey to staring in the mirror of women's bodily health and becoming at peace with healing by existing.
Please forgive me for this ramble, I intrude on your privacy but it started to flow when I wanted to respond.
Its alright, Checmec, you are valued and supported here.

 

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Hi Checmec,
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now. Hang in there. Know that people here care about your well-being. You are a very nice person and I consider you one of the family here.

Keeping you in thoughts and prayer,
Jim

 

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@checmec Fellow teacher here and I can relate to your issues with behaviour management. There's nothing like a bad class to make you feel awful. Personally, I generally find that age range the hardest to manage but it can vary from place to place. I'm also finding the switch to online teaching a bit draining at the moment but am reminded that I'm feeling more energetic as there are no in-person classroom issues to deal with and I'm not on my feet all day, every day.

 

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@checmec, you say you feel like a big cloud of negativity. However, I personally enjoy and appreciate having you here. You have keen insights and interesting, well-written posts. You are a welcome and valued member of the forum, and I know I'm not alone in being glad you're here.

I'm sorry you're having so much pain and difficulty. If talking or venting about it here helps you, then bring it on!

 

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Hi @checmec, I agree completely with @Sci_Fi_Fan with his comments about teaching. I was a substitute teacher several years ago and it's true, teenagers, especially anywhere from the 11 to 12-year-olds to around 16 or 17 can be very hard to manage. And enduring a less than cooperative class is very draining and can easily ruin your day. I quickly learned that being a substitute teacher at the elementary level was much more to my liking.
At the nature center where I do volunteer teaching for the field trips, we work exclusively with elementary school kids who are accompanied by their teachers and are generally well-behaved.
Kids can be rude because they haven't learned the consequences of such behavior so please don't think it is your fault.

 

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Maymay941:
Your post is simply one of the best, most heart-felt and moving posts I have ever read on ANY forum, EVER!!!

Checmec:
Aller anfang ist schwer! You WILL overcome this, please stay strong!

 

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Padded I really thank you for saying that because I cant take credit for thinking out what I write sometimes. It just happens.