Anyone else feel anger toward the ABDL community?

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Before I found this forum, I had started looking for support like this online, someone to confide in about my incontinence without the dread of the possible negative reaction or rejection instead of acceptance. As I searched Google for things like 'true stories, young people with incontinence' and I came upon the ABDL website. I looked over a few posts and was immediately revolted- I had never heard of this thing, people who pretend they are babies or get sexually aroused by anything related to diapers. It really gave me a flashback to my past. I came from a very abusive upbringing- if my siblings and I had not been found and reported to CPS, three of my siblings would be dead, I would be paralyzed and the other two would have had other serious health issues. Two of my siblings were chronic bedwetters till almost adulthood, and I have horrible memories of the awful way they were humiliated and often changed into diapers in front of everyone. I had less issues but was never allowed to go to the bathroom alone and was made to sit on the toilet for often over an hour at a time, and never was given regular underwear. Beatings being stripped down were common. When I was 12 and found by CPS I was put in a foster home and the foster dad sexually abused me. I began secretly stealing my siblings' or foster siblings' diapers to reduce the time I had to be in the bathroom where he would walk in on me. When my incontinence issues started this past year as an adult, a lot of these memories have come front and center in my mind- the shame, the hiding, the pain, the numerous surgeries I endured to correct the abuse. Finding the ABDL website really made me upset- I feel like incontinence is being like celebrated, envied and even sexualized. I wish I had never come across that website! Does anyone else relate?

 

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Sarah my blood literally ran cold when read your description of the desecrated childhood. I hope what ever you endured you make a strong commitment to create the opposite for your children moment by moment as they grow and you grow with them.

I can quite understand the revulsion for diaper fetishists. I won give them a thought or a second of my time.

 

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I've personally communicated with thousands of members of ABDL community over 20 years, met hundreds in person at conference...

There are a wide variety of personal reasons why people join ABDL community. There are even many subsets to further complicate including many that have no interest in dressing like a baby or any sexual purposes.

However, the vast majority I've spoken with find the ABDL community a place to be themselves and cope with bedwetting issues that often started at early age. Since the bedwetting often does not go away easily in adulthood, often getting worse, the shame and blame also only gets worse.

Dressing like a baby, often called age regression or age playing, helps people accept their condition since in most societies it's only acceptable for babies to wear diapers...which is a crazy taboo since millions of children, teens and adults need diapers every day.

I've heard thousands of stories like those of your siblings who were shamed for needing diapers and not being able to "fix" the bedwetting who found the ABDL community a place where they finally feel normal without judgment. Often the shame comes from family members and even medical professionals.

So many times, bedwetting is misdiagnosed when there are often sleep issues, nerve or muscle damage, or other trauma that causes it. Blaming children as lazy, etc... is never the solution. Sometimes there is no medical solution if permanent birth defect or other damage.

But it is important for people of all ages to keep searching for medical specialists in incontinence to try and diagnose and treat that which can be treated or rule out other underlying medical conditions for which incontinence can be a symptom and early warning sign.

 

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Hello Sarah,

I think you'll find many, many compassionate individuals on this site. We try to uplift each other and assist each other with our common difficulties. Welcome. I hope you'll feel free to discuss any problems that concern you. I wish you all the best.

 

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Thank you @NorthshoreAdam for your good reminder that things are not always what they seem.
Humbling and thoughtful input.
When someone shows up here with a fetishist behavior aimed a shock or titillating i personally don't tolerate it to have no experience of sites which are for that behavior and ad not considered they might be seeking self acceptance of a an incontinence condition

 

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That's a new one for me?!?

Next thing you know they will be trying to teach it to our kids in school.

 

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No more than I would any paraphilic fetish. The animus towards them is a projection of your feelings towards your parents, and unless your parents were diaper fetishists, are really exclusive of each other.

I'm Autistic, and in my community kink is fairly common. Like really common. I think it moreso comes down to the rules, routines, and rituals that come with various kinks, but at the end of the day it's a preference that takes place behind closed doors. I know people that are furries, and while I think that is an odd path to take, they don't force their sexual Peccadilloes on me so I ultimately don't care what they do. I've never been asked or pressured to be in a furry relationship, so it comes down to a "you do you" situation. I think the same could be said for the trans community; I don't really see a scenario where a trans women is going to force me to become trans or engage in a non consensual relationship, so it doesn't make sense to me to hold contempt towards them, or critique and force on them viewpoint counter to theirs based on societal expectations.

I have stumbled upon diaper fetishists in other forums and pages pretending to be incontinent, but they have overtly ridiculous stories and a one track discussion focused only on diapers. I simply block or disregard them.

I don't think their wants of incontinence or the necessity of having to use incontinence products is a reflection of me, any more than someone trying to lose weight is a reflection of someone struggling with an eating disorder. If someone isn't breaking the law, let them live their life. Chances are they don't really care about your or my opinion, so we shouldn't put much effort in forming one.

 

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There are many different ways to deal with personal challenges we all have. I had never heard of the ABDL community before, but if it works for them, I see no need to put them down. It does no harm to me, so why should I criticize them? Given the increasing lack of tolerance in our society, demonstrating hate to those that are different than us while they are doing no harm to us seems like the last thing we should be doing.
Let's all support each other!

 

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Hey all, thanks for your replies... I don't really 'hate' them... I think that what I was feeling was that as a child, I tried to use diapers to partially escape my sexual abuser, so seeing the stuff that was posted on that website gave me a mini panic attack thinking that my attempt to escape could potentially have actually been appealing to the said predator which wasn't something I wanted to think about, so @NoCans said it, I think I was actually projecting my feelings towards my parents on them instead. Another thought I had after posting is possibly many of the people on those forums experienced abuse themselves and are handling it in that way, like PTSD. Over all, I am in a good situation as an adult in a healthy marriage and have four healthy and happy kids, so that is good knowing my kids will never have to face the horrors I did.

 

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Sarah, thanks for the explanation about how you feel. It must be very hard for you to deal with the many things you have experienced. Hope you find support on this board. We are here for you!

 

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I hesitated to respond to this thread, but I do have some experience meeting people in this community. As anyone else here will have noticed, when you search online for adult diapers, you can't help but trip over the fetish crowd. I've always had mixed feelings about fetishes- what is it about leather, or rubber, or diapers that can be of sexual interest (arousing)? I mean, I get that sometimes being with someone is simply a matter of 'getting your rocks off' but what does adding a certain garment or type of material do to help? To me, that would contribute to distancing yourself from the other person- or worse, preclude the need for a partner altogether.
Now, as to my experience with the a.b. crowd- when it became clear that my problems weren't going to go away anytime soon, I thought of them as a ready-made community of people who wouldn't cringe at the revelation that I am incontinent. And I was right about that, but there seemed to be far more guys into it than females and of the few people I met, too many of them wanted to take care of me, or be taken care of by me- and I wasn't looking for either of those things. Of the few that didn't seem to be in it for fantasy and role-playing purposes, I had little if anything in common with them. I came away with neither a single date, nor a friend- in fact, I don't even have any acquaintances from it all. It's probably for the best, considering some of the people I observed. I had to ask myself if I wanted to be known by the company I would be keeping- some of these people were too far 'out there.' For a number of years after my head injury, my thinking and reasoning was severely affected- I couldn't reason as logically as I had before and I had fewer inhibitions. By way of that, I had looser standards.
I have rejoined the regular dating world and have not, one time, been rejected by anyone or laughed at. I have told a couple friends and a room mate or two, and can honestly say that I've not been subjected to ridicule, or the loss of those friendships.

 

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When I first read your post it made me mad first of all I thought this site was for acceptance and understanding. Let me say first off that if not for the ABDL community there would not be the quality products that really work for incontinence you would be stuck with crappy depends or similar products. Just because someone wears diapers because it’s a comfort or a fetish it’s not something that is chosen by them anymore than someone with an incontinence issue. I have met many people over the years that are a part of the ABDL community and they are some of the most kind accepting and friendly people I have ever met. So don’t go putting down that group. Yes there are a few bad apples in any group of people but most ABDL people are just looking for acceptance and understanding. And many of them do have real issues with bedwetting or incontinence so think twice before putting someone or some group down that is just doing the best they can with the cards life has delt them. Add for the record I have diabetic nerve issues that cause my wetting problems but I also feel most comfortable when I’m wearing diapers and plastic pants and I do enjoy wearing them.

 

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I hesitated to respond to this thread, but I do have some experience meeting people in this community. As anyone else here will have noticed, when you search online for adult diapers, you can't help but trip over the fetish crowd. I've always had mixed feelings about fetishes- what is it about leather, or rubber, or diapers that can be of sexual interest (arousing)? I mean, I get that sometimes being with someone is simply a matter of 'getting your rocks off' but what does adding a certain garment or type of material do to help? To me, that would contribute to distancing yourself from the other person- or worse, preclude the need for a partner altogether.
Now, as to my experience with the a.b. crowd- when it became clear that my problems weren't going to go away anytime soon, I thought of them as a ready-made community of people who wouldn't cringe at the revelation that I am incontinent. And I was right about that, but there seemed to be far more guys into it than females and of the few people I met, too many of them wanted to take care of me, or be taken care of by me- and I wasn't looking for either of those things. Of the few that didn't seem to be in it for fantasy and role-playing purposes, I had little if anything in common with them. I came away with neither a single date, nor a friend- in fact, I don't even have any acquaintances from it all. It's probably for the best, considering some of the people I observed. I had to ask myself if I wanted to be known by the company I would be keeping- some of these people were too far 'out there.' For a number of years after my head injury, my thinking and reasoning was severely affected- I couldn't reason as logically as I had before and I had fewer inhibitions. By way of that, I had looser standards.
I have rejoined the regular dating world and have not, one time, been rejected by anyone or laughed at. I have told a couple friends and a room mate or two, and can honestly say that I've not been subjected to ridicule, or the loss of those friendships.

I can actually answer that. It's usually a sensory response. There are 9 different subsets of fetish/link, with the clothing subset, you have crossdressing, rubber, leather, diapers, etc. That usually stems from a sensory or tactile response with some influence from conditioning from childhood.There are other things that can influence an interest in the other sections, but for that it's typically sensory.

I read a book on the psychology of kink awhile back called Cuffed, Tied, and Totally Satisfied. Interesting book, lost me a bit when the author and her husband dress up like bird people in public, but I don't always get everything.

 

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The original person who posted this thread is going through flash backs to severe child abuse and finds the fantasy and sexual component of the AB group caused searing pain and distress. THAT is valid also and deserves respectful understanding.

 

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May,your statement is incongruent and implies there is an all or nothing approach to agreeing with the OP. A question was proposed and responses were given. No one has lambasted the OP or dismissed their feelings, but this is a forum of open discussion. If we simply marginalize a group of people we disagree with or don't like, then this stops being a discussion and becomes a witch-hunt for the sake of feelings.That is virtue signaling at it's worst, and validates nothing but blame association and fear. It is possible to have discourse on a subject and still hold someone's trauma as legitimate and valid. Black and white thinking leads to the loss of critical thinking.

 

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This thread is covering so much more than it’s title to be the most succinct!

First off Sarah your post I was like Maymay as it drew hatred from within how could people do that to children. And it’s obvious to me over the years Maymay you have a huge heart and try to comfort people and for that you are truly an admirable person.

Adam offered some good perspective from his dealings over the years. I would go even further and like some have lightly stated because of the ABDL community I would have to credit them with great improvements in diapers over the years along with the industries which produce them. NoCans you have offered great perspective to this and 100% agree that Sarah is deflecting her anger to the wrong crowd and thank you Sarah for agreeing and acknowledging that as I can’t even begin to imagine the psychological trauma you have been through. I personally believe the AB/DL community a vast majority are struggling with issues they don’t fully understand to which most never will; however found something is comforting to oneself however the taboos around it are to great to deal with society. Which is sad however that is reality. People tend to demonize or marginalized stuff they don’t understand as a method of personally dealing with it. A label is much more comforting.

From my own perspective I would carry this sentiment in society over the taboo about talking about death. It is truly pathetic that most people run from it their entire lives rather than accepting it. However that is a different conversation. I just think we all need to be able step back and try to understand peoples writings sometimes from a different perspective. Which is never easy to do because it opens oneself to look deep within and face their inner demons and accept them and learn to love them as they are part of the total sum which equals oneself.

Love is so powerful however in my mind so poorly understood. Love thyself

With Love and Huge Hugs

Jason

 

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It tore at my heart to hear what you endured. I can only say how strong you are to come this far. I'm so happy your marriage is so healthy. You are so very brave. I'm glad you are here and sharing with all of us. Hug..

 

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My heart hurt reading what you endured with your siblings. Going from worse to worse is agony and the ptsd you went through.

I am so so happy you found love and are able to share a better world for your children.

No one can control what triggers the ptsd. I find this analogous to a soldier triggered over fireworks. To 99% of the public they are harmless, but to the 1% they bring them back to a terrible time. It’s good that Sarah has the emotional maturity to recognize that about that community, but that won’t change the trigger and the pain she is reminded of.

I too am grateful for the benefits we enjoy because of them, even if their proclivities are not for me. Without the high capacity diaper (betterdry, etc), my OAB would be debilitating

 

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One thing to remember is that those who are ABDL didn't choose that for themselves, any more than an abused child chose to be abused. I remember reading somewhere (sorry, I don't have a source to cite) that attachment to diapers is often due to maternal rejection at a young age. Regardless of the reason, these are people who are dealing with something very stigmatizing in the best way they can - not unlike those of us fighting with incontinence issues.

I do get frustrated with those from the ABDL community who don't exercise appropriate self- control. These are the folks who take over forums with obviously made-up stories, who discuss flaunting their kink in public, and who generally deepen the stigma we deal with rather than reducing it. People deserve to be treated with respect, and when they do those things they are disrespecting the incontinent community.

I don't buy the argument that the ABDL community is the reason we have high-quality diapers. Most diapers, even the very good ones, are not aimed at ABDLs. I hear that some ABDL diapers are functionally quite good, but that does not imply that so good diapers are ABDL products. In sure others can shed more light on this (I am not a diaper designer, after all), but I seriously doubt that ABDLs are even a consideration to the designers at non-ABDL companies.

I can relate to the OP's reaction to people fetishizing something that was traumatizing for her, though what she endured was far worse than anything I went through. At the same time, I think it's important to consider that most people don't choose major aspects of their personalities, and I think we are called to be respectful and compassionate towards everyone.

 

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I don't buy the argument that the ABDL community is the reason we have high-quality diapers. Most diapers, even the very good ones, are not aimed at ABDLs. I hear that some ABDL diapers are functionally quite good, but that does not imply that so good diapers are ABDL products. In sure others can shed more light on this (I am not a diaper designer, after all), but I seriously doubt that ABDLs are even a consideration to the designers at non-ABDL companies.

At NorthShore, our top performing diapers are aimed at ABDLs just as much as non-ABDLs because many ABDLs have incontinence and often much heavier than the general population. The heavier the incontinence and younger it starts, the more likely people are looking to find a community where they don't feel shame about incontinence and where they can get help managing their condition.

DLs tend to be people that developed total incontinence at a young age who have no interest in dressing like a baby. It's a 24/7 part of their life and they are the ones that give us, by far, the most detailed and constructive feedback. Many of our products would not have the features they do today without DLs being willing to come forward and test products and give very detailed feedback.

Whether there is a sexual component to their obsession with diapers is irrelevant to us. What's important is that they need products to maintain a normal life as best they can even with heavy or total incontinence. We're happy to work with them to meet that goal for them and anyone that has heavy incontinence.