Angry about some comments

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Hi everybody!

I am back.. I took some time off the internet these Holidays, I hope everyone is healthy and doing fine.

I wanted to discuss something that happened to me on Christmas with you:

My neighbor, a really nice lady around 65yo, is a pediatrician. We invited her to spend Christmas with us (since all her sons live outside Mexico and she is alone) (We spent the night outside with masks and everything, so everything was ok)

Thing is.. I don't know how she ended up talking about how her sons began to use the restroom (WHY do moms do that?)And she was laughing and saying that her son stopped using diapers when he realized that the dog could bee where he wanted, when he wanted. I got a lump on my throat when she said this "funny" story. I started to remember the numerous times my mom would compare to me with our neighbor's dog and said to other people "The dog learnt faster to pee outside than my daughter".

Then she started to tell other stories about her patients that wetted the bed. And how she always told their parents "they will stop wetting their bed when they decide to".

After that phrase I just stopped listening, I was feeling very bad emotionally, but I did not want to say anything because I was sure I was going to start crying, and I wouldn't leave because I was afraid of being too obvious. But really I am still very angry for this comment specially. I wanted to yell at her "oh well, then why is there so many people like me who still deal with incontinence?? And because of ignorant people like you, they only start hiding everything, instead of actually trying to solve or deal with the problem".

I am angry, but I am also very disappointed as a doctor, to see how some care professionals really have no sympathy, no knowledge, no tact towards the patient. It makes me sad, because I could have had a more healthy childhood if I wouldn't have recieved so many comments like "only little kids wet their clothes" or "you are not making an effort" or "the one that controls the mind can control it all".

Anyway, I had to take it out... it's been on my mind ever since.

I wanted to writte this earlier but I did not want to trigger a breakdown... so I chose right now when I think I am feeling a little bit more stable.

How do you deal with these situations? Would you have said something?

(Sorry if there are some grammar mistakes)

 

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Angry about toxic belittling communication?
And your mother is one of those charming folk?
You are so right to be angry

 

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Hi @checmec, that was very well said and it was a shock to hear a pediatrician talk like this, I'm sure! After that comment about stopping "wetting when they decide to" would have been the last straw for me if it were me! I agree that way of thinking is very outmoded which is surprising for a doctor who supposedly keeps up to date on things.
But as we all know incontinence is not something that one can stop when they decide to, any more than, say, an irregular heart rhythm or someone getting cataracts. These are medical happenings with people all the time and a lack of bladder control can be counted among those things. And it's also not something you can blame on someone "not making the effort."
And you hit the nail right on the head when you say it makes you angry as a medical professional to see how some have no sympathy or empathy whatsoever and do not show any tact toward the patient. But guess what? You can and will make a difference when you start in practice and work one-on-one with patients. You have been there and you know how you like to be treated as a patient. It will be your golden opportunity to really shine as a doctor! And you will!
Since you asked if you would have said something, looking back on it, I think I would have if it were me. I'd explain to the pediatrician that wetting is something that people cannot help, try as they would. But it's still a medical condition like having heart palpitations or cataracts that needs professional treatment and tactful care. And I would also say that as with any medical situation it's something that needs to be handled with empathy and tact and not a matter of somebody "not trying hard enough." In saying that, everybody can then learn something. But when you do get more used to being in practice and talking to people I know you will have the confidence to educate people and show them where their thinking is wrong in a professional, non-accusatory way. I have no doubt whatsoever you will be equal to that task!!!!
I'm glad you came by to say what's on your mind. You know that speaking out as you did is therapeutic in itself!
And by the way your grammar was fine! You're very articulate and most impressive!

 

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Hey Checmec,
I’m glad to see you posted this here as sadly I’m sure many of us have witnessed such ignorance especially with Doctors. I’m just sorry to hear the verbal abuse you suffered through when younger, that also falls directly under ignorance and abuse... Having dealt with this for over 25 years, I have seen this on any number of occasions within the healthcare arena. Sadly to many “Ignorance is Bliss” and unless this strikes them or someone dear to them they will keep their heads buried in the sand. You can tell your Mother that dogs also lick their butts, would she like you to do that as well?
I hope you stay happy and healthy!

 

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There is a line in the Movie Draft day with Kevin Costner where his character say that if we pick him and we find out that he has got knee problems, he's got bedweting problems...this is in reference to some they may draft into the NFL...

Just shows how much stigma is out there.


Worst thing is that I have seen this movie several times and just caught that line.

 

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Hi,she is an ignorant person,when I got out of the hospital one of my wife friend's futur daughter in law made a comment on me saying that you don't die from prostate cancer ( and she is finishing her course to be a nurse)My wife didn't want to argue with her friend but yes I was upset.Look their are people that don't know of what they are talking about,not until they are in OUR situatiopn.Don't be hard on yourself.Take care.

 

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Was she drinking? It sounds like it.

Some people are so insensitive - even smart people. But keep in mind communication can fly off the rails pretty fast. I’ve had permanently destroyed over simple misunderstandings, and what I said I thought was clear as could be. But it wasn’t for someone else.

 

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I see and hear people being like this as professionals and often think to myself their ego is far too big and if the circumstances were reversed, how would they feel? As a professional myself, I remember I am being taught about professionalism, empathy, compassion and care and try to remember to be the better person in situations like you have described. The way I have learned from these experiences is to stay away from toxic people as much as I can. I am sorry you got upset about this.

 

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In all my years and seeing several physicians, and having personal friends of some of them, I have never heard of any of them speaking about patients as mentioned. If this is how she conducts herself, she should be reported for breaking her Hippocratic oath.

 

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Boom! Good job expressing That

 

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It is saddening how much stigma is out there, especially among the medical community. At the same time GENTLE confrontation can be helpful, even enlightening. Yelling, arguing and confronting people in an emotional way is not always the way to do it. In a situation like this, i could imagine myself ask the person, "Can i talk with you about something." Then once we sat down, I would continue. "I am know sure if you know this," but i struggle with day time and nighttime bladder control, and i have to wear diapers because of it." "When i heard you say that all people can stop wetting when they decide not too, i felt incredibly hurt. Especially since i know it not be true, have struggled with for ... years." Then you thank her for listening and give her a chance to respond. Things can be done with gentleness and kindness, even really tough conversations. In my mind they can be really effective.

 

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Wow Mightychi you are certainly evolved your posts are very reasonable! Practical, good advice!! I wanted to spit nails over the insensitive conversation zchec mec endured.Thank you

 

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Hi @Mightychi, that is excellent advice and your approach is the best way as it definitely beats having a heated confrontation. I know we get impassioned in the heat of the moment and can say things that are hurtful and we later regret. But that needn't happen. I like your way of handling it because it informs the other person without calling them on the carpet. And once you've said what you need to say, definitely thank the person for his or her time and then give a chance for a response. And by doing it that way you will very likely get a sincere apology.

 

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Checmec great post btw. I laughed so hard at your grammar comment... lol. Your grammar is amazing especially when compared to mine.

Your post was a great way to get it off your chest. One needs to expend the angry energy someway and this way is probably one of the best ways as it gives you time to reflect and see what is actually triggering yourself.

Personally I probably would have said something to her. Something along the lines of Mightychi as their post was also an amazing post.

It is truly sad how oblivious some people are and really I would say inexcusable for a doctor. Especially in my case where my incontinence is as a result of nerve damage from multiple sclerosis attacks in my brain and down my spinal column. Lady it’s not like when I decide in my mind that I could resolve this issue. That’s complete bull shit. Granted you may have a medical degree however you obviously skipped the sensitivity training or didn’t truly understand it. Granted I wouldn’t say that too her because it is too inflammatory. Even though I may think it.

I would approach it similar to mightychi focusing more on how her comments hurt me and or made me feel inferior as I don’t know if you knew I have been diagnosed with relapse remitting MS and I currently wear protection 24/7 to avoid accidents. I truly wish I could just will my incontinence away however that’s not reality. Granted I understand that you may have seen some instances where children are just wetting themselves for attention unfortunately some of them may actually have serve medical problems and I am very disappointed that you don’t seem to acknowledge that? Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you are trying to say?

Personally I would try to avoid any negative comments and just focus on how I feel or on my own personal experiences.

Also I would focus on the things we have control over. The issue is we would have to feel the feeling before we are able to let go of it. Understand why this persons comments hurt us and try to learn from it. Focus on the positives perhaps you stating comments like these would make her realize how stereotypical she has been and change for the better. I know I am most likely dreaming too positive but some people are just lost inside and stuck on a narrative they don’t even understand the impact of.

Really scary if the person is a Doctor like in this case.

 

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"And" said this hot flaming woman right here,
"Isn't any wonder your sons are so far away"
Spins on heel and walks off.

Sorry dear.

 

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Hi Maymay, Wow! What an amazing comeback :O you'd have for that woman!!!
Asking if it's any wonder your sons are so far away and then spinning on your heels and walking off into the sunset!!!
That was so beautifully and truthfully said!!!!! You are the one with the words!!!!

 

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Wow with all your comments!

I agree with Mightychi, in my mind that is the best way to confront someone. Both my neighbor and my mother are actually good persons, I think. They both try to "encourage" a child to solve a "problem". I am sure that my mother was just doing her best and probably this doctor too. I am angry because they cannot realize how much their words/ignorance can hurt...

I can barely write about my incontinence without crying. Right now for me it sounds impossible to be able to talk about it with someone in person. But it sounds like a good idea when the time comes.

It feels good to know there is a group here of people who can actually understand

 

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Checmec
With all due respect to the women you know well and personally:
It is toxic to mock or belittle your children and to hold forth on their life struggles as a usual conversation.

This is a late lesson for these women to be learning and I am sorry for them.

 

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I can testify to those kind of behaviors down there. I lived in Mexico City for a while and one time I went in to a well known public hospital due to severe food poisining and I remember having a very bad fever. I could barely stay awake. When they finally got me in the E.R a doctor was putting my i.v in my left hand and she hit a nerve and it hurt and caused my arm to contract and she got mad at me and told me stay still!, stop complaining and you look to me like your on drugs and I was like what the heck, A Lot of doctors are very opinionated down there, thank God I found a private doctor and they were much more professional and continued treatment with the private hospital. Not all doctors are bad down there thank Goodness, there are still some that are true to their profession.