Visiting friends and relatives

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This topic may have been addressed in the past, so forgive me if I'm being a little redundant. Since my wife passed away suddenly last August, I have been asked by many friends and family to come for a visit to help me with the grieving process. With my incontinence issues and need to wear diapers, I shy away from most invitations. My wife was my support person whenever we traveled anywhere. How do any of you that need to wear diapers manage visiting friends and family? I get pretty anxious when these situations arise. Should I just bite the bullitt, and reveal to those I'll be staying with my problem? Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

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Are you thinking of staying a week or less or for an extended time?

I packed trash bags for the used diapers and disposables and took them to the outside trash without fan fare.
I think you can tell your person in the family group or friends that you have a medical issue of incontinence (often a brief reason of why like after I had surgery or after I suffered a bad fall so people have something they can relate to and quells curiosity.) They can convey to the others in the group at level that fits your group dynamics. Use disposable bed pads at night. Bring enough extra trousers for accidents. Rinse and air dry if you can or if extended trip.
If you wear outside the house on outings take a black back pack an bring diapers according to the length of time wipes and be prepared to go change in restroom as needed.

Please do try to go visit. Grief is a life changing event and we need each other more than we need fear of incontinence.

I know lose and how it changes us. Be brave for the memory of your wife and let the ones reaching out to fill there need to be with you. They need to grieve too although it's expressed differently than yours.

 

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Excellent point! I found awhile ago that speaking up regarding incontinence when necessary, like visiting friends or relatives has been basically irrelevant to others. I am never quizzed about it and realized most of my apprehension was self imposed. I’ve been asked “how can I help with that?” I have asked, if possible, can you put a plastic sheet under the bed sheets for me and if it’s any problem at all I bring along a large waterproof bed pad. I tell them I just don’t want to risk anything with their mattress. No big deal, at all, to friends.

 

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All my friends and family know I am incontinent and wear nappies so it isnt a problem.

 

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Very nicely put, Maymay! Your suggestions are MUST reading for anyone contemplating visiting friends or relatives.
I especially like your ideas on explaining your situation (i.e. you had a bad fall or developed issues after surgery, etc.) That way it quells others' curiosity and answers that pervasive but generally unasked question of "why/how are you incontinent?" A simple explanation is all that's really needed!
The perfect solution!

 

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@Maymay941 @donny4 - Excellent advice Maymay. Practical how to tips, and a wonderful perspective for all those tough "firsts" that come after a huge loss in your life. - donny - also a great way to handle something that could easily be made into a big deal. Don't make it a big deal. You are right, it bothers us more that it bothers most people. At the very least they all know somebody with IC and they just want to help in some way. - Pam

 

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You are so right Pammy53. If a person is over ten years old they have body function problems of one sort of another

 

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Good advice by others. I’m sorry for your loss Damp.
My wife is my best support.
If you’re comfortable wearing a diaper day and night now, why not go traveling and visiting with family and friends. Have some fun.

I understand those feelings of self awareness and wondering if others will accept your condition. I still feel it too, but your care needs and comfort first. Like others said, just plan for it. You don’t have to worry or say anything to anybody if you don’t want to and if someone asks, you might find it easier to advise someone of your condition.
I have let several in my family and in-laws know that I wear when traveling. Never bothered any of them. True friends and family accept one another for who we are. Besides, most everybody has something, an ailment or condition and that includes our family and friends.
Enjoy your summer.

 

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I struggled with similar issues, my quibbles being whether to risk packing just pajamas .Although I am a PMD after dribbler mostly nowadays only , I mostly only wet the bed intermittently into my teens. About 5 years ago I went to a party with friends in the area I used to live. My mum was away so I stayed with my nana. I woke up in a wet bed .
I found that it’s worth planning and taking enough nappies with you. If you don’t want them to know then you get better at being sneaky with practice and pre planning . I know it’s difficult. Nearly everyone I stay with has either no bathroom door locks or ones that don’t work anymore.
Even so, most will knock first. It’s a lot easier to hide a nappy than a wet bed.

 

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Explaining to friends and family is easy because they're the most understanding. Don't overthink it, in the big picture they will see you the same. The only time they will say anything is if you smell, leave stuff laying around or don't cover your diaper (no one wants to see it).
If you bring it up, do it in a jokingly way because it's extremely awkward to someone that hasn't dealt with it.

 

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So sorry about the loss of your wife. I cannot imagine. I hope you will start traveling, as time with friends and family will definitely help keep your spirits up. I am very open with friends and family about being incontinent after prostate cancer surgery, but everyone's situation is different. Having cancer, I get asked a lot how I'm doing, so I usually tell most everyone that I'm working on getting my continence back (whether they want to know or not - haha). Anyhow, I always take plenty of extra pads and Depends with me, and I really like the suggestion of bringing small bags that you can tie up and dispose of yourself, if possible.

 

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@Damp Sorry for you loss. My opinion, for what it is worth, if they like you enough to want you around, they like you enough to understand your issues. Life is too short, as you well know, so get out and make the most of the time you have to enjoy family and friends. If anyone makes you feel down or something less, they aren't worth having around anyway and it doesn't hurt to put those type people in their place. "But for the grace of GOD go I." You didn't ask for the lemons but the lemonade is wonderful. Have fun!!

 

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Good advice above from all. My freinds and family know i need diapers too. No big deal at all. Get out and see your friends and fmaily. Your late wife would have wanted that.

 

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@Damp Many good comments, I would add that if in general you are having a tough time just getting out, (re)start simple steps of getting coffee with friends, and work up to longer/bigger settings to help with confidence and reduce stress/anxiety. Everyone deals with the anxiety of family gatherings regardless of medical conditions.

Family seems to carry added stress as familiarity may invite deeper/ackward questions; opens us up to more deeper conversations and observations than with strangers. Maybe a one-on-one conversation with one family member and/or friend could create an opportunity to find someone you can confide in and, if local, help with appointments or other assistance if needed.

 

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I'm going to Idaho Falls next weekend for my first long adventure. Have hospital urinal, will travel.

 

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@wyr13 - I have only been to Idaho once. Years ago traveling around the U.S. with my boyfriend - We meandered into Canada for awhile and came back down through Idaho. It was summer and beautiful. Have a great time! - Pam

 

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Thank you @Pammy53. My oldest daughter lives there. I love it there but my job is in the Peoples Republic of California, so here I stay.

 

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@wyr13 True that. My husband and I would like to get out of California, and have thought alot about where do we go? Neither of us at this point can deal with mobility in snow. - and yet there must be disabled people that live in snow country. How do they function? - And so we stay with the insanity that is California. - Pam

 

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Things going well today. Be in Eells, Nevada in a couple hours. Staying there tonight. Nice to get away.

 

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@Pammy53 My daughter is a RN and her job is checking and assessing the elderly and disabled around the community that employs the company she contracts to. If they need stuff, the in home people or the RN's will help. That community helps each other anyway. My daughter told me one lady said they could not afford food for two weeks due to unexpected expenses and a short check. Two restaurants stepped up and told them to bring their family there and they would provide the food on them. You just don't see that in most of this state as a whole. I sure smaller communities might step up to help but others would take advantage when not needed so maybe not. Anyway, I had a great time. Would love to move there but the property is going through the roof. They have hats and t-shirts everywhere that says Idaho - We're Full.