Responding to husband’s incontinence

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I think Babsjean is wisely deciding to focus on her needs and what she can control, herself, her actions in response to his incontinence in this but I hear her saying she knows its going to be a long process.

That's a very good point that I hadn't considered. We generally do better to control the things we can control, rather than the things we can't!

 

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@Babsjean My parents and I are now, as we always have been, extremely open with one another - something I’m extremely grateful for - something that enables me to maximize how much I can learn from them. My mom is an LCSW so there’s always been a lot of talk about feelings in our lives.

I care for them for 2-3 16-hour days per week. A few years ago when I simultaneously had a near-fatal injury AND two kinds of cancer, I had to live with them again for over a year (ugh!). So I’m privy to their routines, limitations, and successes. They were both hospitalized for months in 2019, simultaneously, including weeks in ICU, for totally different reasons. I’m well-versed in their medical diagnoses and processes.

While I’m completely impressed by the duration of their relationship and try to learn from their accomplishments in that regard, I also recognize that it’s perfectly okay and normal for my mom to go out to dinner without my dad once in a while. She has (had?) friends; she has children. It’s unhealthy for her to avoid going out just because my dad can’t/won’t because he refuses to wear bladder protection, or to do thorough PT to improve his ability to walk.

I would be less upset by his stubbornness if my mom wasn’t upset about it herself. She’s very frustrated that my dad won’t take the necessary measures to be able to go out in public. She deserves his companionship in the entire world, just just in their house. He’s an introverted narcissist who won’t cater to her needs in this respect.

I very much hope things go better with your husband. Please keep us posted about how the discussion evolves.

 

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My wife and I had this talk several yrs ago when I started wetting my bed and pants.We settled on diapers to keep everything dry.

 

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What is the least embarrassing way to bring up noticing my husband’s incontinence? I have talked to him about this and he says the reason is because he is in a hurry but it happens too much for me to believe that. He did have Rezum therapy several years ago with dubious results. (The procedure was also VERY painful if anyone out there is considering this for an enlarged prostate)

I give and take hugs constantly, sure, not good time for that with all going on but, this is your mate. I do know if you catch him at a difficult time, try giving him a great hug, tightly, as you do this slowly but openly say, as you hug tightly I want to help you with your incontinence when you are ready. I love you and always will, just tell me when you need me, or want to talk. I will be ready.....

 

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Not to speak out of line here, but using intimacy as an opener might work. Guys love sex/sexuality, so might be worth a shot. Not to manipulate or control, but to suggest and encourage.