Okay, Not being okay.

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Monday hit me hard. I had to fill out the first information packet for social security. It was all about things that I use to be able to do that I cannot do now.

I ended up typing up some of the answers because 1) my handwriting sucks ( I have dysgraphia) and 2) there was not enough room to write everything.

The reality is that I went from working 12-hour shifts in a very physically demanding job to not being able to do much of any lifting is still emotional to me.

The next set of paperwork came yesterday and it is all about jobs I have had for the last 15 years. Even that is going to be a bit emotional because none of those are things I can do anymore.

Even sitting up to type things like this makes me feel like someone is standing on my guts. I generally sit reclined back because anything else hurts.

I see physical therapy today and I am going to talk to her more about all this.

I talked to my Nanny yesterday about some of it and it helped.

Right now I feel like I just need to get my doctors to understand how bad this is.

One thing is that the botox has worn down and now the spasms are back. Yet another thing to talk to my PT about.

Now to get some breakfast.

 

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My challenges are small compared to yours. Still, I get a great deal of comfort from my religion and my God. I pray you do as well. Take care, write often particularly if it helps to share what you’re going through. We're always here to listen.

 

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I'm glad you are seeing your PT she has been a stalwart advocate for you and really listened.
And ditto what Chuck said.

 

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I too am struggling with an extra strong episode of depression. Sometimes it's all you can do is take life by the second. My thoughts have been really dark as of late.

 

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FLGuy - I believe there is merit in you detailing all the issues and challenges you have dealt with. I believe there is value in your sharing with us and that in a book form you could share with many others. We're like the friends who read your manuscript and make suggestions and encourage you to go on with your writing. I think everybody has a story to tell, but many people won't attempt it. You can do it if you think it's within your abilities or that you can get help with.

 

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Hope you will gather strength to get a doctor for anti depressants.
Fill those second s with action however small. Make your bed in the morning. If you accomplish this one little task it sets you up to accomplish more as the day progresses.
Take a shower multiple times if necessary it alters mood.
When dark thought invades actively replace with a kind self thought. You can't hold two ideas at once.andvgetbthe medical help.
Second by second you got this.

 

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I'm on multiple antidepressants but the new prescription seems to be making things worse. I've already reached out for help to my psychiatrist and I'm in the process of finding a new therapist. Kaiser just moved at a really slow pace on these things...

 

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Taking action to contact your psychiatrist is a big effort when you're depressed. Good for you. Keep calling on the help people. The machine of Kaiser is impersonal but you will get through.
Second by second.

 

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In times like these one can find strength in trusting in the Lord Christ Jesus. I pray for your strength in His name. I recommend you read 1Peter 5:7

 

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I'm not religious in the least. I'm no stranger to the Bible as I've studied it for years. I've struggled with depression and other dark thoughts since I was a teen, I'm now 38. The only thing preventing me from following through with my darker thoughts is that I don't want to inflict that trauma on my daughter.

 

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@Chuck11
I am a Liberty University grad with a degree in Christian ministry and was working on my master's degree when all of this stuff started. I have a very strong faith and thought right now I am not part of an in person church I watch several services from different churches every week and dive into theology a lot. This has not been good on my faith at times and I do ask God why a lot but I am faithful no matter what.

 

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MAYMAY - My late husband dealt with depression all his life and he refused to get help with it. He said he would just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. He did a lot of volunteer work through the church too. He had no idea how loved he was either. When he died there were over 200 people at his memorial service. In a way, he came to terms with the disappointments in his life and just went on living. That's probably the best thing to do.

deraven82 - You obviously have a compassionate heart. In he 1960s I had a friend who had four kids all in school. Her husband was a traveling shoe salesman so was gone a lot. She had been in counseling for a few years with a couple suicidal attempts. She took her life by carbon monoxide in her car in the garage. I think her depression was so huge that she no longer cared how her death would affect anyone. She was not able to deal with any more living. Our minds are often very fragile and we have to do some positive self-talk sometimes to keep us on track. MayMay is right - one second at a time. There is so much stuff going on in the world to take us down and we have to keep up an ongoing shield to not get infected by the negative.