How do I tell my dad about his issue?

[Archives1]

Hello to all. I need advice about my dad...

My dad visited me the other day, he is 79 years old, and has urinary incontinence, and I think he has a hard time aiming when urinating in the toilet. Every time after he uses the bathroom, there is urine on the floor in front of the toilet. I saw him the other night, and after he used the bathroom he smelled like urine, he was making the whole living room smell like urine, and he sat in a chair and when he got up from the chair there were two urine stains on it. He spent the night, and the next day I went in the guest room and it reeked of urine. He used to live alone, and a few years ago he developed this problem, every time I went to his condo the bathroom reeked of urine, and so did the couch and chairs in the living room.

He had been doing better after we moved him into a retirement home a couple years ago, but it seems like he's declining again, emotionally and physically, and his urinary incontinence is bad. My brother said his bathroom at the retirement home does smell like urine before the maids clean it. And my biggest fear is that he smells like urine himself, and people then won't want to socialize with him. That would explain why he says he's unhappy there.

But he seems to be completely unaware of his issue. And it's going to ruin his quality of life.

I need to tell him about this and get him help. But I don't know how. I'm terrified of having this conversation with him.

I'd like to get him to see a doctor, or at least wear diapers, because I think those would be very appropriate. Any suggestions on how to bring this up with him?

 

[Archives1]

Is he able to change himself if you start the diapers? If so maybe start him with pullups, and eventually work up to a tape diaper. Eventually he will need help. I so understand that. Please keep us informed, will help where we can
Boom

 

[Archives1]

Hi @bluetie, My first thought does your dad have a nurse at this retirement center??? If so, please talk with her (or him) about your suspicions that he's incontinent. She may be already aware of it and if that's the case, have a one-on-one with her about appropriate undergarments. That way it'll be up to the nurse to approach your dad with the idea that he needs to wear protection.
If such a scenario is not likely and you need to do it yourself, perhaps both you and your brother need to approach your dad with that talk that begins with "We've been noticing......" Once you got his attention then focus on wearing protection. If he's ambulatory and still active then suggest pull-ups. And with a bit of research you may find some that most closely resemble regular underwear and your dad may go along with those rather than using the tab diaper style. Such pullups are designed to help a person maintain dignity while still being absorbent. By getting used to wearing the appropriate undergarments he'll soon be the only one who knows when he has an accident and he may find that people won't be quite so reluctant to socialize with him.
So in summary, recommend the pull-ups by putting a positive spin on it, i.e. they're not diapers per se. But they will improve his quality of life.
And if possible do take his nurse into your confidence and work with her in resolving this issue. And if he hasn't already done so, do encourage him to go to the doctor.
I know these are pretty basic steps to begin with but hopefully they will be of help to you! Good luck and look forward to an improved lifestyle for your dad!

 

[Archives1]

Thanks for the responses.

He should be able to handle pull-ups, so that's a good choice.

He doesn't have a nurse that I know of, it's just a retirement home, he rents a room, and they have meals in the dining hall, and maid service, exercise room, etc; it's not like an assisted-living place.

It may come down to just me sitting down with him. I'll plan on suggesting pull-ups. And seeing a doctor. I'm still dreading the conversation, because it's possible he could get mad or depressed. But it has to happen.

I really appreciate the encouragement and support from you guys, it makes me feel better about it, like we'll get through it.

Thank you!

 

[Archives1]

Bluetie, I think its harder for you than it is is on him.
The peeing on the bathroom floor might be handled by a folded disposable " puppy pad" the human version is called chux available at CVS walgree walmart.
We had a gentleman here years ago who traveled in an rv and that's close quarter he missed the bowl his wife was not pleased. He started using a funnel the kind you use for oil changes or they sold at the grocery in the cooking aisle. This directed his flow neatly.
I tell you ou this story because you can use it as a personal anecdote, a man to man conversation.
Which you will need to have.

Dad, as people get older incontinence is a common problem. But YOU CAN TAKE CHARGE OF IT (DAD ) Fortunately there is DISPOSABLE UNDERWEAR (ay that not diaper) for day and night use so you can go around and be comfortable and safe from leaks.
I even knew a guy that....(insert the anecdote above) it worked great for his aim. In fact I have one in MY bathroom now because I noticed you missed the John the last time you were here.
If you can, bring these supplies as casually as can be and just deposit the bag in the bathroom.
Now, depression. This is a whole other factor, as going to live in a retirement home is not a life progression that many look forward to any more than other accommodations for aging and being less able.
Giving him straight talk in a forthright no nonsense manner and the tools to take back control of this aspect of his body is the kindest thing and most respectful.

He should be assessed by a doctor to see if an anti depressants is helpful.

 

[Archives1]

Thank you, May. I like your template for the talk, and how you frame it as him taking charge, and calling it disposable underwear. And I'll keep the pads and funnel story in mind.

It has been hard for him to accept the loss of abilities. He seemed to like the retirement home at first, but then grew unhappy about it. He's still doing way better than he was on his own. I think this incontinence problem may be largely responsible for his unhappiness there. I think he was taking a prescription in the past for depression, I'll ask him about that.

I'm glad you pointed out the importance of straight talk, I get what you're saying... I'll absolutely do that.

Really wonderful advice. Thank you!

 

[Archives1]

Here's another tip that may help your Dad's situation...
Even the best of the pull-ups that are sold in the drug/grocery/big box stores do not have great capacity and they have a huge tendency to leak after several voids. I suspect even if you can get your Dad to use these "basic" pull-ups he might soon find they aren't really helping. I would strongly suggest checking out premium pull-ups like Abena Abri-flex, Molicare Mobile, and Northshore's Go-Supreme or Flex-Supreme products. While still not quite as good as a premium quality tape up diaper they have good capacity and work way better than any store brand. I suspect it's very important for him to have a good first experience with his pull-ups and if not he will probably never try any form of protection again.

 

[Archives1]

Another thing to keep in mind, regarding his place / things smelling like pee... Many older folks lose their sense of smell in their elderly years.

My parents, in their late 80's, had an equally old cat, which started to go "potty" all over the house, instead of going downstairs to where it's litter box had always been. When my siblings and I would visit their house, it reeked of cat pee. My folks thought we were making the whole thing up, and lying about the smell !!! They just could not smell it at all, and these are two people who have always kept a clean and tidy house.

 

[Archives1]

Bluetie,when your Dad does go to pee, he probably thinks he is done and steps away, but his bladder is not empty and here come the dribbles and slow stream. At one time this was a problem for me, among other issues. Maybe his sense of smell is gone too, so somebody should have a one on one with him. I got medical help, and it took me awhile get things done. If your Dad has dementia then talking will not get very far I think. Maybe have home health come in and do an eval, that's what happened with my spouse. Don't feel bad about offending him, if he gets mad, it won't last long. I'm speaking from experience here. You have some good advice already and do all the noninvasive things first. Its probably all about his prostrate, experience here too.

A very caring child like you will help solve the issue of smell, and help him get advanced help.

Afsc43250

 

[Archives1]

Hi Bluetie
My adult children have supplied me with bed pads disposa diapers and put chux in front of the toilet when they speak about my incontinence so it doesn't feel judgemental or some to brood angrily about. I was actually humbled and grateful they went about it so simply and words were matched with assistance.
Please do speak to Northshore they can provide free samples but of actual quality the grocery store stuff is barely worth it or maybe ok for daytime in a person with dribble or leak

Alot of people here use the term "diaper" I think "disposable underwear " is alot more discretion and I dont feel embarrassed to say it to myself.
Chances are he needs a good bed pad also and night quality underwear.
Have at least one pad to wash and one clean. A trash bag tightly closed for the wet pad, not sure h they handle laundry at his place.
Or a disposable bed pad with a sticky side to adhere to the bedsheet (important so it doesn't scrunch up) discarded daily
These are at cvs etc

 

[Archives1]

BlueTie - I have several stories related to this challenge but they probably won't help in your particular issue. Up until my husband reached 79 he had been very able and independent. He refused to accept that he was declining in health. When he put his pants on, while standing, he started losing his balance and fell a few times getting head wounds. He would abide my suggestion of sitting down to do this act of dressing. To him it indicated that he was not in control. Finally he did start holding onto the bed frame while doing his dressing. Some people are just stubborn about accepting help and making changes.

As far as not hitting the toilet bowl: My son-in-law in his early sixties has never stood to pee. His mother taught him to sit and my daughter is grateful for that teaching. My husband taught (our sons and many years later)our grandson how to complete his urination without dribbling. Which ultimately has turned out to not matter much since said grandson is now transgender and sits!

I like the things people have said about the elderly as I experience these hard decisions myself at 83.I have had to turn to the Serenity Prayer and submit to the family members who love me, realizing that they have my best interests in mind.

Speaking frankly to your dad, assuring him that it's because you love him that he needs to accept your advice is tough because it puts you in the role of parenting. That is a hard thing for a parent to accept. My husband was strong, capable and very intelligent. He resented anybody younger than him, suggesting they knew more than him or trying to give him advice. He would get angry, but he also would get over it.

Also, as I have done with my kids and grandkids, holding them accountable, I would say, tell your dad that when he visits you he will have to clean up after himself, mopping the floor, cleaning any urine spots etc. And make a point of showing him that you have protected his bed and furniture by putting protective pads in place. Hopefully he will accede to your suggestion that he wear protection. For Goodness Sake, don't call it diapers! He does not want to be considered a baby, I'm certain.

Tough love is hard but often effective. I feel for you.

 

[Archives1]

Correction: He would not abide my suggestion of sitting down to dress.

 

[Archives1]

Very good post, Rita! Your experience taking care of people facing these issues speaks volumes and there are excellent tips from you about taking care of this type of thing. Although some of us may not bat an eye if we say we wear diapers, others, such as aging men, may look askance if you use that particular word. It doesn't make a bit of difference to me what you call them but I think for these instances the term disposable underwear or absorbent underwear is much more acceptable for certain people. Although people like us on the forum know better, a lot of people still associate the word diapers with a baby.

 

[Archives1]

He might already be wearing something and you don’t know. Two stains, is the sign of a diaper leak especially if it is more in the back section. The conversation may become about getting him more effective products. You may also see if his care home can help with the struggle as well.

 

[Archives1]

Thank you all so much for all the advice. Sorry for the late response here, I've been working on the issue. I finally talked to my brother, and we're going to sit down with my dad next week and talk it out. I've bought a couple brands of disposable underwear and bed pads to get things started. And will definitely try to get him to see a doctor.

Padded... I've taken the good first experience thing to heart, we're going to make sure we do that. Thanks for the recommendations, I ordered some Northshore and Abena on amazon.

Mike... I think you're right. Unfortunately, his ability to smell must have really diminished, because there's no indication he's aware of the smell, and there's nothing subtle about it.

Afsc... I agree with your theory, that's probably exactly what's happening, post-pee dribble. Maybe with more care that could be prevented. I myself actually dab with a piece of toilet paper afterward, just to prevent any final drips in my underwear. It would take more for him but it's an idea.

May... "words matched with assistance", I will not forget that, that's good advice for now and in life. And I've bought some bed pads, disposable and washable, so we'll let him try them out, and Northshore. Also I discussed the funnel idea with my brother, and we might give that a try at some point.

Rita... Your stories are inspiring and helpful. I think my dad is a lot like your husband, and that loss of control of things, I know it gets to him. The child in the role the parent... I agree, that's uncomfortable, on both sides.

billi... Yes, to those new to it, that association is definitely hard to overcome at first. Thanks to this board though I've already gotten over that completely. If I ever need to wear them, no problem.

Mighty... My brother mentioned the other day that my dad was actually wearing diapers for awhile, which was news to me. But I don't think he is now. The two stains were in the front actually, both on the same side, about the size of half dollars. But anyway, I'll see what the home can do, too. I'm guessing not much, though. The maids were complaining about the pee on the floor by the toilet according to my brother.

So thanks again to everybody here. The response has been incredible. So helpful and encouraging. I can't say I'm looking forward to "the talk", but I actually do feel well prepared for it now. Thank you all!

 

[Archives1]

Hi @bluetie, I'm glad you and your brother have made up your minds to sit down next week with your dad and discuss the issue!!! I think having your brother along is a great idea and since you're coming with reinforcements, it will make broaching the subject with your dad less intimidating. So excellent decision there! And good for you for picking up samples of disposable underwear and bed pads to try.
I know @may941 has some ideas here on how to actually broach the subject so this is typical of the joint effort you'll find on this forum. And I'm glad you stopped in here to ask about your dad's issue. As for looking forward to it, maybe treat him to lunch, you know, just to get things in a lighter mood. That may be a possibility as well!
But it's great that you're feeling more well prepared for "the talk!"
Good luck with it and please let us know how you make out!!!!

 

[Archives1]

Hi @billiveshere... Thanks, yes I'm really glad my brother's onboard, it will make it less stressful for sure. Lunch is a great idea, we'll do that, it'll definitely lighten things up.

I'll make sure to give an update at some point (hopefully a good one).

Thanks again!

 

[Archives1]

Hi @bluetie. Well it sounds like you're going to be just fine and a nice lunch will kind of set the stage as everyone will be more relaxed and having enjoyed a nice lunch. Just kind of make it a guys' (well I started to say night out) but obviously night is not in the picture, so just a guys' day out! And we'll think along the lines of it turning out to be everything you hoped it would be and then some!!!
So have a good time along with an upbeat, positive chat with your dad!!!

 

[Archives1]

Thank you @billiveshere... will do!!