TL;DR, lol, sorry.
My anniversary of falling down the cliff was January 12, which was when I acquired Cauda Equina Syndrome including Neurogenic Bladder. Ten (!!!) years of major discomfort, dysfunction, and pain - not just in my bladder, but in my knees, hips, pelvis, and spine. Then I also got two kinds of cancer (uterine and skin melanoma) five years ago.
When you’re feeling down, it helps to remember how much worse it could be - you could be me, in dire need of four total joint replacements but unable to afford them, in need of heart surgery to repair a hole in my heart that makes me prone to stroke at any moment, and in need of a rod down my spine so I don’t end up partially or totally paralyzed. Most days I can barely stand up out of bed because my joints just don’t work. For example, my knee gets stuck underneath my femur (thigh bone) and my whole leg collapse and buckles. Or, it locks up and refuses to bend, like it’s made of iron. The tops of my femurs are so deformed by osteoarthritis that they get caught under my pelvic bone and I have to push them out of my pelvis with my hands to get them back down into their holes. Most days I can’t handle the pain of sitting in my office chair so I have to work from bed where my back can be fully supported and I can stretch my legs out straight in front of me. I hate working from bed. This limits my professional life because I can only do remote work now and most companies no longer offer that. I’m also so sick of remote work.
For myself, I know it could be much worse for me: I could be in a wheelchair in a nursing home (probably where I’m headed within a decade unless I can get these surgeries all done and assuming they all go well). I could have MS, ALS, dementia, limb paralysis, amputations, or have diabetes like everyone else on both sides of my family. I could have a really ugly skin disease that everyone could see on my face. Or I could have to take more medications with worse side effects, like not being able to get any sunshine on my skin.
Many people on the forum have so many more, and worse, problems than do you and I. To some extent, we are “lucky.” I know on some days, it’s impossible to see it in that light. Try to remember that it really does help to find things to be grateful for: electricity, keys, pillows, movies, friends, family, the forum, sidewalks, lotion, modern plumbing, cereal, your kitty, street lights, a government that helps you with your mental health struggles, and your nicely decorated apartment.
I remember my four-year mark with Neurogenic Bladder. I had just barely found the forum, done a lot of individual and group therapy, and was starting to crawl out of my depressive shell. I don’t only been wearing diapers for a year and I still felt too ashamed about that to really go anywhere. I’d never been more depressed in my life. I had to live with my parents for three years because I was that depressed and because I had 24 surgeries in about seven years, including a hysterectomy because of cancer. That’s a 4-month-long, foul, stinky recovery with all kinds of burnt, dead flesh and fluid falling out of your body. I don’t feel like a womb-man any more; I no longer produce female hormones nor can I have a baby. I feel like a eunuch. While that makes me really sad, I’m so grateful I didn’t have breast cancer like my cousin, who had to have both of her breasts removed and now has massive Frankenstein scars there instead.
I had my first Botox injection at about four years, so I finally started getting actual relief for my bladder symptoms, so I was able to start rejoining society around year four. Now with Botox, I no longer have daytime pain. I only have about two daytime accidents per year now and when I do, it’s my own fault for not getting to a bathroom on time. I still wake up a lot during the night and need a diaper at night, but I’m okay. This is as good as it’s going to get and I’ve accepted it. I no longer do battle with it. That peace started coming around year four. I think the same will happen for you.
I’ve also learned to remember how lucky I was to have many wonderful boyfriends, lovers, and a decent husband *before* I had to start sleeping with a diaper and swear off dating for the rest of my life. I still feel lonely and sad about that sometimes - it’s actually dangerous to live alone in case you have a heart attack, stroke, or bad fall. As a female, it’s extra dangerous because we’re unable to defend ourselves against rapist intruders. But that’s life; no more dating for me. Fortunately, that doesn’t mean I have to be miserable or have no life. I’m so glad I lived 1,739 lifetimes in my 20s and 30s. I lived such a great life that I’m (almost) okay about being stuck in bed since I was 43.
Now at my 10 year anniversary, I didn’t even notice that my anniversary came and went! That’s so awesome! That means it’s also been 10 years since my husband and I split-up; I forgot about that date, too! That’s a big part of why I fell down the cliff: I was really distracted by divorce. So let my example be something you can look forward to - one day you’ll barely think about your bladder any more. You won’t even remember your anniversary unless you try. Won’t that be a good year?
Remind me, why haven’t you tried Botox yet? It completely annihilates all bladder spasm pain for 3-6 months. The only people it’s not a good idea for are those who have retention but I haven’t heard you mention that you have retention, right? Medicaid and Medicare both pay for it.
Congratulations on making it to four years!!!!!!! If you made it this far already, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR and you can handle the rest of what may come! Neurogenic Bladder almost made me kill myself for the first 3-4 years I had it, until I found the forum. Now I feel so much more normal and not alone, thanks to everyone here, including you, @Honeeecombs.
I look forward to your 10th, 20th, 30th, and 50th anniversary of having bladder problems because while it may seem hard to imagine right now, you will get so used to your bladder problems that you’ll barely notice them. I think you’ll find your battle with incontinence will continue to do nothing but improve and you’ll even reach a point of peace with it.
Congratulations and Cheers
to you for making it this far!
. I hope it doesn’t offend you but you’re one of the people I think of when I think how much things could be worse. 
